The Joker's Wild
by jarec
Summary: COMPLETE! Out of the goodness of his heart, the Joker comes to Jump City! And nothing will ever be the same once the Clown Prince Of Crime is done with our heroes...
1. Chapter 1

The way he saw it, Joker had a positive DUTY to go to Jump City.

First off, the city dwellers themselves needed him. He'd seen photos of them standing around looking grim at the scene of some big explosion. Imagine! They'd just witnessed a perfectly lovely explosion, and they looked GRIM! Clearly, these people needed his help. Only his special touch could bring smiles to the poor, sad Jumpers.

Second, Robin. The little Boy Wonder was growing up; he'd left the cave to fly on his own! It made his heart (or was that his pancreas?) swell with pride. But still, the little Boy Blunder was away from home for the first time ever. Joker had been young once (he assumed) and knew that it was often lonely that first time away from home. What better pick-me-up than a visit from dear old Unky Joker? Who was closer to the whole Batbrood than he? Why, he'd been the one who'd made an opening for Robin by killing the last one! It'd be a happy reunion…plus, he hadn't killed a Robin in a really long time now. Nothing honked the Bat off quite like a Robin mask spattered with blood! Hahahahaaaa!!

Which brought him to the third point. Villains. The villains of Jump City had tried to kill Robin and his little friends (what were they called? The Tie-Ins? The Teutons? The Tie-dyeds?) on several occasions. The nerve! The audacity! The unmitigated gall! HE was the Robin-killer! These whippersnappers were trying to steal his act! Not that they had any real chance of succeeding. The only ones out of diapers were a 60's throwback, a weirdo who apparently wanted to adopt the Boy Blunder and dress him up (even the Joker wasn't that kind of sick), and Killer Moth. Ha! In Gotham, Killer Moth couldn't even get a table at the Iceberg Lounge, yet in Jump City he claimed top-rank status! These kids today were growing up with no idea of what a REAL master criminal was. And what of the poor townsfolk!? Surely they felt the shame such sub-par villainy bestowed on its victims. Could he, in good conscience, let this continue?

No. For the good of everyone concerned, the Joker –kindly clown that he was- would grace Jump City with his presence. Now to spread the word to his entourage.

"HAR-LEY!! Load up the van with explosives and candy, get the Henchmen and set the VCR to record Cartoon Network! We're going on a roadtrip! Its time to make Jump City REALLY jump! HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAAAAAA!!!!"

-+-+-+THREE WEEKS LATER-+-+-+-+

Starfire was flying Patrol.

Patrol had been Robin's idea, naturally. The Titans couldn't just sit around waiting for trouble to happen. For one thing, they might not get to the scene in time. For another a vast number of crimes went unreported. Therefore, everyday one Titan was nominated to run a minimum of five sweeps through the city, staggered throughout the day. This allowed the heroes to patrol the city without overexerting themselves.  
The Titans enjoyed Patrol, generally. It gave them a chance to get out and really connect with the city they defended, to scout the terrain, and- as Beast Boy was wont to say- "pick up some smokin' chicks!". Starfire didn't understand her green friends desire to attract nicotine addicted poultry, but she enjoyed the other aspects of Patrol. She learned a great deal by observing the inhabitants of the city.

Now, for instance, she was floating above the streets, idly watching the pedestrians. How would it be, she wondered, to be an ordinary citizen of the city? Her name would be… Kori. Kori Anders! Starfire giggled slightly at this. She would be a businesswoman… a fashion designer! Starfire had been enamoured of this career ever since she'd heard of it. She would design many wondrous clothes to be sold at the Mall of Shopping, and have a husband named Robin…

Starfire's increasingly romantic reverie was broken by a scream from below. Her attention snapped back to reality, and she looked for the source of the screaming. She saw a blonde woman in a red pants suit being attacked by two muscular thugs.

One swift beating later, the woman was thanking Starfire profusely. As it turned out, she was a new reporter for the Jump City Journal, a Miss Peggy Liacci, and would the famous Starfire be good enough to give her an interview? Starfire considered the matter. Robin had often encouraged her to speak with outsiders to improve her Earthly social skills, and had also often spoke of the need for the Titans to improve their public image following friend Terra's most hurtful betrayal…

An hour later, "Peggy Liacci" walked away with a notebook full of information on the titans- their personalities, their failings, their likes and dislikes. She walked to a payphone and dialed an answering service. "Tell client J-1 that everythin's A-OK!"

-+-+-+-+ A week Later yet-+-+-+

The Titans sat in front of their colossal television watching Jump City's most popular game show Quiz Me This. It was the one program that all five teens enjoyed. Starfire enjoyed all the "most fascinating facts which may be learned", while Raven enjoyed testing her already considerable store of knowledge. Beast Boy and Cyborg liked the way the host- the Quizzler-made fun of the losing players. Robin didn't care for the show itself (he sometimes called it a Riddler Crime Waiting To Happen) but enjoyed spending time with Starfire.

The host (in a cheesy Riddler costume with Q's where the question marks should be) had just gotten the show going, had finished his opening shtick, and was about to introduce the nights contestants when the set suddenly went dark. Loud screaming was heard, which segued into hysterical laughter...and then silence.

A spotlight snapped on, illuminating a single figure standing in the middle of the (now empty) stage. It was a man, dressed in a purple suit, spats, and white gloves. He wore a wide brimmed hat (also purple) and had his head tilted at such an angle that his face was concealed. He leaned slightly on a cane.

Already, Robin had a very bad feeling about this.

The silence was broken by a woman's voice; high-pitched and childish, with a pronounced Gotham accent. "We innerupt this borin' Riddler rip-off...permanently. Aaaannnn' now, ladies and gennlemen, the man who'll put a smile on ya face whether ya want one or not! The one the only -mah man (sigh)-...thhhhheee JOKER!"

The man on the stage snapped his head up, revealing chalk white skin, a big yellowish smile, dark green hair, and eyes totally devoid of warmth or sanity. A face that haunted Robin's worst nightmares.

"GOOOOOD evening Jump City!" The hateful harlequin yelled, his voice brimming with his typical homicidal glee "We're coming to you LIVE from JCTV studios! Well, some of us are still Live, anyway...HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

The camera quickly panned across the audience. Although fine detail was impossible due to the speed at which the camera was moving, two things were clear to the young heroes. First, all the audience members were wearing disturbing, unnatural grins. Second, they were all very, very dead.

Beast Boy gasped, and Raven grimaced, but the other Titans were simply stunned. No villain in their experience had ever shown such a casual attitude to murder. Joker had just killed more than a hundred people for no purpose and was already laughing about it. Even Slade wouldn't have killed that many except as part of some vast plan, and only if he was certain doing so would bring him concrete benefit. Joker had killed them… because it was the easiest way to get attention? Because he felt it added something to his big entrance to Jump City? To set up that Live joke? Who knew?

"Now, many of the brighter Jumpers are no doubt wondering what a big star such as myself is doing here in your sad dreary little town. Well, I'm here visiting an old friend; Robin, I have witnessed the sad, sad parade of losers that have tried their amateurish hands at killing you. Well, you needn't worry anymore. Uncle Joker will make it all better, and then kill you and your little friends the way you deserve to be killed: with style, flair, and loving attention to your personal needs. HAHAHAHAAA!!

"Until then, I've prepared a little something . Not much, just something to show you that I'm thinking of you. I've rigged a gas bomb in the East Side Mall- in ten minutes and thirty seconds all those stressed shoppers will receive- absolutely free of charge with no money down- a lovely Joker grin! TTFN! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!"

The screen went black for a moment, before a sign came on that said "We are experiencing Technical Problems"


	2. Chapter 2

There were no words. Words were insufficient to express the sheer variety of emotions the teen heroes were feeeling. Horror. Shock. Anger. Fear. Sorrow. Guilt. All these and more had been provoked by the Joker's debut in Jump City. There were no words, and there was no time.

Robin shouted "Titans! GO!", but he needn't have bothered. His teammates were already in motion, racing towards the exits (or in Cyborgs case the garage). Even in the midst of this nightmare Robin couldn't help but smile a bit at how well his team functioned in a crisis. He dashed to the garage, leaping into the T-car just as Cyborg burned out of the tower, flanked by the three flying titans.

Since Cyborg was driving and navigating, Robin had nothing to distract him from just how bad the situation really was. The Joker had come to Jump City. The most dangerous psychopath on the planet, the man who'd killed Jason Todd- his predecessor to the Red Yellow and Green-, the man who'd crippled Batgirl, was running around Jump City, and planned to kill his team.

And Batman wasn't going to be able to help. Only the night before, he had been in contact with his mentor, and learned that there had been mass breakouts from both Arkham Asylum and Blackgate Prison, leaving him to deal with the likes of Mad Hatter, Mister Freeze, Scarecrow, Zasz, KGBeast, Riddler, Bane, Scarface, and Killer Croc just to name a few. Moreover, it appeared that some outside agency had triggered a war between the Italian Families and the Chinese Tongs, with both the Yakuza and the Ghost Dragons about to weigh in. Nor only was Batman unable to come, but he also needed Nightwing, Huntress, Azrael, black Canary, Anarky and all the other Gotham vigilantes just to keep the city from completely falling apart. For now at least, the Titans were on their own.

Five teenagers, matched against the deadliest human being alive. _Not a good start to the week_ Robin thought sardonically.

They arrived at the East Side Mall with just four minutes to spare. Already, Raven and Starfire were overseeing the evacuation- Starfire keeping everyone calm, while Raven kept everyone moving. The crowd was hesitant to evacuate; Joker had only delivered his message a few minutes ago, and even those who had seen it while browsing at the electronics shops hadn't really believed it ("that maniac's never left Gotham, has he?"). however, Raven was very good at getting people moving. Perhaps it was her gravely tone. Perhaps it was her skin. Or perhaps it was the tentacles of psychic power. Whatever it was, the mall was rapidly emptying.

Inside, Beast Boy raced through the mall in the shape of an cheetah. This wasn't normally his preferred tracking form- usually he'd have gone with a bloodhound or a wolf, relying on the keen sense of smell those forms provided to find whatever he was hunting for. However, he had no idea what the Joker's little surprise might smell like, and the mall was too full of unfamiliar scents to risk it. So he opted for a form with merely good senses but that could cover a great deal of ground quickly.

_Lets see… sporting goods store, Pizza Shack, MacDoogles, Electronyx- OOOO! The new Suer Ninja Quest!! NO!! Not now, Gar! Focus! Bedding Shoppe, Book Nook, Café, Victoria's Secret with…mannequin that…kinda looks…like…Raven… FOCUS!! Wait, there it is!_

Indeed, on the second floor was a small bundle covered in a purple tarp, on which was written: "NOT a bomb!"

Without a pause beast boy leap onto the thing, shifting as he landed into pterosaur form. Graspig the thing firmly in his talons, he soared up through the mall's skylight. Glass shattered against the scaly hide of the prehistoric beast, the impact barely noticed.

_Okay, laughing-boy said the bomb would go off in ten minutes. I think I've got about one minute left. Crap! _

Higher and higher the changeling rose, carrying his deadly cargo. Down bleow, his friends were in a frenzy of worry. Cyborg and starfire were staring at the rising green form, shouting at him to hurry up and let the thing go. Raven maintained her usual stoic façade, but judging by the number of small objects exploding, she was quite agitated as well. Only Robin remained reasonably calm; he kept muttering to himslef "just a bit higher…"

Suddenly, the pterosaurvanished in mid-flight, replaced with a falcon. The green bird went into a powerdive, just as the bomb went off. A large cloud of purplish gas erupted in the sky, before being dispersed by the high-altitude winds. The flacon reached the earth, touched down and shifted into a widelygrinning changeling… just in time to receive an open handed slap across the face from an angry half-demon.

"What were you thinking, you brainless- you could have been- you were almost!"

"Rae" Beast Boy replied, rubbing his cheek "I had to do something. The mall wasn't empty yet, and the Jokergas in that thing would have killed everyone left inside. I'm a hero, Rae, I couldn't let that happen."

'but why did you do THAT?!" Cyborg exclaimed waving his hans " I mean, that wasn't a regular bomb, grass-stain. Now the gas will spread to the city!"

"No, it won't" Beast Boy and Robin replied in unison, then looked at one another.

Robin folded his arms and smiled. "why don't you explain your reasoning, Beast Boy?"

"Uh, well… I noticed on my wayover here that the wind was starting to pick up, espescially the high-altitude winds. The gassy-bomby thingy didn't look big, so I figured there probably wasn't too much of the stuff. Makes sense, I guess, since laughing-boy meant it to be used inside. So I figured that if I took the thing up high enough, the wind'd thin it out, y'know? Like too little butter on too much toast? So when it finally DID come down, it wouldn't be strong enough to give someone the giggles."

The boy wonder smirked "Nicely done, Beast Boy. I thought it would be something like that. The Joker rarely produces his gas in big quantities, and the wind IS pretty strong. Good work"

The green teen struck a 'heroic' pose- chest out, head back, hands on hips- and gave his cheesiest grin. "All in a days work for an awesome superhero like myself!". All the other titans sweat-dropped at the unabashed bragging- all except Raven. She merely raised an eyebrow and quipped;

"Gassy- Bomby Thingy? That's barely language, mister Hero."

Immediately, Beastboy slumped over, deflated his chest and scowled. "You couldn't let me have one moment, Rae?"

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

It was a nondescript apartment complex, which is what had attracted the Hive Four (as they were now calling themselves). The penthouse (such as it was) had jJust enough room for all of them and their equipment, a decent rent, and Gizmo'd been able to hack the Grid for free power, water and cable. Best of all, it was the last place the Titans would ever go looking for theremains of a once mighty villainous organization. NO ONE would think to look here, they thought.

So they were a bit surprised to come home from a scouting trip (scouting the 2nd National bank for a holdup) to find four heavily armed men in clown suits waiting in the hallway. Seemore, Gizmo, and Kyd Wykked all seemed taken aback, but Mammoth merely growled. He wanted to take them down, and flexed his shoulders, ready to barrel into the thugs.

He had just enough time to register a polite but firm hand on his shoulder before the electricity surged through his massive frame. He bellowed in pain and collapsed. The Joker stepped over the twitching behemoth and strode biskly towards the young villains, his cane swinging at his side.

"Hello my little Hivers! Pop Quiz time. Who here can guess who I am? Anyone? How about you Charlie Brown?" This was directed at Gizmo, and the tiny terror trembled.

"J-j-j-..." he began, overcome with fear. The Joker was a legend in the underworld. Stories of him were whispered in backrooms, dockside bars, and even the hallways of the HIVE academy. They weren't pleasant stories, and they weren't told for fun.

When villains wanted to frighten one another, they told Joker stories.

"...j-j-j-Just one J, baldy. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!" The madman puntuated this by smashing the tip of his cane into Gizmos mouth. As Gizm fell to the ground, spitting out blood and teeth, his two remaining fellows huddled together in fear. THe clown turned to them and once more raised his cane " Anyone else? You, with the eyes?" 

Seemore steeled himself and managed to spit out the words "The Joker. You're the Joker"

THe Joker leapt into the air clicking his heels "DINGDINGDING!! We haaaavve a winner! HAHAHAHAAA!! Tell 'im what he's won, Harley!"

A young woman in a tight red and black clown costume stepped out of their aparment carrying two small bags "Sure thing, Mistah J! You get...TO LIVE! Yeah, you an' ya little friends will get to live out the resta ya lives in peace, so long as ya leave Jump City NOW!!" With that she threw the bags onto Mammoth, who was slowly regaining consciousness... until the heavy bags hit him in the head. With a groan , he slumped over again. Kyd Wykked, Gizmo (for once unable even to curse) and Seemore had to help him to the elevator.

AS they walked, the Joker strode beside them, apparently in a talkative mood now that his would be rivals for Robin's head were leaving. For their part, the young villains were happy enough to be leaving alive.

"Its not that I don't like to see young kids take up the mantle of villainy, really, it isn't! The Joker's never been one to be threatened by young people taking the initiative! But I just CAN'T have amateurs (no offense) trying to whack members of the Batbrood. That's MY job! And if someone else does it, I'll be unemployed! I'd lose my henchmen, my hideout, the Jokermobile'd have to go up for sale, Harley'd leave me, and there'd be an ugly custody battle over the Hyenas that'd give Bud and Lou all kinds of issues, we'd need to get them therapy.." He spun around and grabbed Gizmo by the throat, pulling him close and screaming and WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND A HYENA THERAPIST?!! HUH?!!!"

Abruptly, he let the boy go, dropping him to the floor just as the group reached the service elevator. Its sturdy steel doors slid open, allowing the Joker to hustle the Hive Four inside.

"Well, as I said kiddos, its nothing personal. I'm sure you'll do fine in your new town or whatever. Be sure to stay in touch. Ta!" And the killer clown turned to walk away.

After what he judged to be a safe distance, Gizmo let out a small sigh of relief. They'd survived.

Suddenly, Joker whipped around, a hand clapped to his white cheek in shock, his eyes wide. " But where are my MANNERS? I havent given you your Going Away present" He reached into his coat and began to rummage around, apparently looking for something, muttering to himself as he did so. The teen criminals remained perfectly still inside the elevator, waiting for the ordeal to end. They'd heard many stories about people who'd interrupted the Joker. None of them ended well.

"Hmm, switchblade, sneezing powder, gumballs, severed finger... ah! here they are! HAR-LEY! Get the door for our friends!"  
"Of course, Puddin'! Whateva you say!" chirped Harley, and cartwheeled down the hall to push the red button. Upon doing so, she turned to the Joker, beaming with happiness at having been able to help her Puddin'. The Joker absentmindedly smashed her in the side of his head with his cane, while he was preoccupied with pulling something out of his pocket. As the elevator doors slid shut, he pulled out two objects, and hurled them into the elevator, just as the door closed.

Two Grenades. Without pins.

The doors shut.

BOOM!!

-+-+-+

I hate Gizmo, and I think it may have showed.


	3. Chapter 3

The Titans had returned to the Tower shortly after saving the mall. Normally they would have stayed around to assist the police in calming the crowd but this time Robin felt there was no time. No sooner had they reached the Tower than he curtly announced "Briefing in one hour, if you're not there you'd better be dead" and hurried to his room.

He quickly logged on to his computer, deactivated the three firewalls, input 2 different passwords, and opened a channel to the Batcave. He knew how hectic things were in Gotham right now, with every name criminal out on the streets raising Hell, but he expected to be able to reach Oracle or maybe Nightwing.

Instead he saw a haggard and injured looking Batman answer him.

"Bruce? Are you OK? You look like hell!" They always used their real names on this line, to check for imposters. If someone addressed Robin as anything other than Tim (or Master Timothy in Alfred's case), then he would know the system had been compromised. They were secure enough in Oracle and Batman's security protocols to be sure no one was listening in, but physical break-in was still a possibility. 

Batman grunted. "Battles with Killer Croc and KGBeast last night. Captured Beast, but Croc got away. Status report. Now."

Robin filled him in on the Joker's appearance in Jump, and the bomb threat. Batman looked very worried, and Robin could tell Bruce was thinking about Jason. Jason, murdered by the Joker when he tried to take him on alone. But he could also see 'Batman' telling 'Bruce' that there was nothing to be done, that dangerous as the Joker was it didn't warrant leaving Gotham to Riddler, Scarecrow, Mister Freeze, Magpie, Ragdoll and the rest. It was always weird to watch, those internal dialogs between Batman and Bruce Wayne. When Batman was 'speaking' the face looked hard and determined; normal for the man in the cowl. When Bruce was 'speaking' the face looked warmer, more human. Idly, Robin wondered if the arguments between 'Robin' and 'Tim' were quite so obvious.

"So, any advice? I mean, you know this psycho better than anyone"

"I can only give you three pieces of advice, Tim. One, let him make the next move. Until you have some idea of what he's up to, its useless to try to predict what he's going to do next. One miscalculation could cost many innocent lives. Just wait for his move, be ready to react, and pray to God that you get there in time. It's all you can do.

Secondly keep as calm as possible. Jason died because he let his emotions override his common sense. Don't make that mistake; always try to remain in control of yourself. The ability to use logic and reason has always been my one great advantage over the Joker, since he's far too insane to use them. But he's an expert at making other people lose their composure and fall to his level. No matter what don't give him that edge. Don't allow him to get you worked up, nor work yourself up. Remain calm at all times, and encourage your team to do likewise."

"and the third piece of advice?" Robin asked. He wasn't sure he liked the idea of waiting for a homicidal maniac to make his move. He didn't like being helpless. Moreover, he knew that 'keeping his composure' would be hard once the death toll started to really climb. And he knew that it would. With the Joker, it always did.

Batman…no, Bruce's face suddenly became softer and more concerned than Robin had ever seen. "yes. BE CAREFUL, Tim. The Joker is quite possibly one of the deadliest men on the planet.. Your teammates are used to enemies with super powers, they may be inclined to dismiss him as harmless. Don't let them. Please take care of yourself." Robin could hear the unvoiced plea in his mentor's voice:

_I don't think I can handle another Jason._

Robin smiled grimly. "Don't worry, I'll make sure they take it seriously. Anything else?"

Batman (for it was Batman again) let his lip twitch in what passed for a smile with him. "Yes. Two things. First, I'm sending Cassie to help out. I have a feeling you'll need her."

"EXCELLENT!" Robin exulted. Cassandra Cain aka Batgirl trained from birth by a great assassin "She's the greatest martial artist I know, she'll be a tremendous help. What else?"

Batman's lip twitched again, more violently this time. "Alfred saw that Inside The Titan's Tower special of a few months ago. He was, and I quote, 'Horrified by the way Master Timothy keeps house'. He is, and again I quote, 'Certain I imparted better values to the young man'. There's talk of an Inspection Visit. Bruce out."

As the screen when dark, Robin shuddered. He could handle supervillains, he WOULD deal with the Joker, and he could look death in the eye until the Reaper blinked. But Alfred Pennyworth inspecting the Tower…inspecting Beast Boy's room!… THAT was a thought that made his blood run cold.

-+-+-+-+-+-+- 

Meanwhile in a run-down section of Jump City, the Joker strolled down the street in a state which, for him, passed for depression. He'd been here just over a month, but somehow it seemed much longer. This city was getting to him. The food was awful; it was impossible to get a proper hot dog anywhere in town, and he'd had to kiss his morning bagels goodbye completely. These Jump City bakers apparently thought of a bagel as nothing more than a roll with a hole in it. He'd shot two of them before discovering that that was just how bagels were in this town. SIGH!

Furthermore, the henchmen were way too expensive. Back home in Gotham, there was a huge pool of big strong men who were used to taking orders from people in brightly colored outfits. It was a veritable industry of its own. The men in this field understood that the pay was linked to the danger; if you worked for someone like the Riddler, who never killed his thugs, you got paid much less than if you worked for the Joker (who regarded killing henchmen as rainy day fun). Here, though, the underworld was used to criminals who either had super powers or used robots. The market for thugs was small, and limited to brainless muscle who could barely follow orders BUT (and this is what really got him) who expected to be paid as much as a veteran Gotham legbreaker for their first job! And people said HE was crazy! 

Lastly, the weather was disgustingly warm. It was freaking NOVEMBER and there was no snow! Just rain rain rain! Part of the fun in a Gotham spring was people discovering all those bodies you'd buried in the snow during the winter! It made the magic of the season live on, somehow. It was enough to make a grown clown cry, it really was.

Still, you had to look on the bright side. The small pool of thugs meant that OTHER criminals had the same manpower problem as he did. Many many years as a criminal (he couldn't now remember just how long it had been) had left Joker with a huge war chest, meaning he now had the most powerful gang in all of Jump city. And THAT meant he was in charge. It had taken less than a week to convince the local gangs that they were better off following him than fighting him. So, they had come bearing tribute to their Clown Prince. So far, he'd received more than a quarter million dollars in 'gifts', and vast territorial concessions from the local Mafia, yakuza, and Tong outfits. He hadn't even had to kill any of them- a fact that vaguely disappointed him.

Best of all he had just found the 'hideout' of another snot-nosed villain-wanna-be, meaning he'd be able to strike two names off his list in one day! It was… A movie theater. Joker despaired sometimes, he really did. This new generation! A Movie theater! Not an old abandoned movie house, with a suitably creepy balcony and an ominous darkened lobby, oh no. A closed down CINEPLEX!

"What is the world coming to, Harl" Joker commented to his sidekick as they stood outside the offending structure "when this is considered a suitable place for a villain to plot his enemies downfall?"  
"It's a disgrace" Harley loyally agreed "that's what it is. Kids today have no respect for tradition. HUH! An' this punk we're goin' ta see…" Harley simply shook her head in disgust.

Joker sighed and put an arm round his moll, completely oblivious to the way her face lit up in an expression of bliss. He so rarely touched her without hitting her that she treated each occurrence as a miracle. "I know, Harleykins, I know. Nothing but a fanboy. I almost feel we're doing him a favor." They strolled up to the main door and prepared to pick the lock, when the doors flew open. Joker had just enough time to register something approaching at high speed, when he found himself…

GLOMP!

…being hugged.

"OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOH…MY…GAAAWWWDD!!!" Control Freak shrieked as he hugged the homicidal clown. "You're the JOKER!!!"

…a WET hug, Joker noted with no little distaste. He almost never let anyone touch him outside of combat, and no one but Harley Quinn was ever permitted to hug him.

"That I am, boy. Now let me go before you ruin this suit. Purple silk isn't cheap, y'know." He said to the quivering blob that had attached itself to his person.

"Oh, man, I'm SOOOO sorry! It's just…you're the JOKER!! HERE!!! In MY hideout!!!! You're one of the greatest villains that ever LIVED and you're HERE!" the demented blob let out another squeal of glee. "Come in! I have SO many questions! Is the thing about Harley and Poison Ivy true? Is Batman as big as he looks on TV? What's it cost to get your own villain-mobile? Hey! Can you do something, y'know… Joker-y? I've always waned to see something like that up close!"

Joker's permanent grin widened slightly, as he placed a hand on the boy's shoulder, guiding him back into the theater. From his rear pocket he carefully extracted a large straight razor, which he kept concealed behind his back, as Harley followed behind giggling. "Well, you know, it's a funny thing you should say that…"

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

end chapter 3

A/N

I wanted to address why I was doing this. The Titans typify a classic problem in TV. Good Heroes, Crappy Villains (Or GHCV disorder). I mean, lets look at the roster. An idiotic magician, a drooling fanboy, a harried father/mad scientist (who was the biggest loser in Gotham)… hardly the FBI's most wanted. The most villainous one there is Slade, and his big goal seems to be to make Robin his sidekick- which to me is more pathetic than threatening.

So I decided that the Titans needed a REAL villain to work with. Since I regard the Joker as one of the incarnations of Awesomeness (alongside such luminaries as Forever Knight, Mel Brooks, beef jerky and Moe Fine) I figured he was a good choice. Homicidal, with a darkly comedic tone.

Enjoy!


	4. Chapter 4

Raven walked into the Titan's briefing room last of all, which was highly unusual for her. She'd been puzzled by Beast Boy's unusually competent performance at the shopping mall. She'd always know her teammate wasn't genuinely stupid- lord knows, he'd never have been allowed on the team if that were the case- but she had assumed him to be abysmally ignorant. Now she was finding out that she might have been overly hasty in her judgement. What else didn't she know about her green friend?

She entered the briefing room to see her fellow Titans seated around a round table. Robin gave her a nod and began speaking.

"Now that we're all here, we can begin the briefing. First, though, I'd like to go over a few points from today's bomb threat. First, I'd like to congratulate each and every one of you on the way we deployed at the start. We moved out immediately and smoothly, just as it should be. I'd especially like to congratulate Cyborg on his idea to link the T-cars GPS to his system. You got us to the mall in record time" The assembled Titans smiled (except Raven, but even she loosened her body language) at the rare praise from their demanding leader. Cyborg in particular sported a huge cheesy grin.

"Second, Star and Raven, we need to work on your crowd control skills. The evacuation didn't proceed

as well as it might have. Star, you shouldn't allow people to argue with you in this situation. Their lives are at stake and we don't have time to explain things to everyone who asks. Just keep them moving, and tell them you'll answer their questions outside." The orange girl nodded, and Robin smiled a bit. That's one of the things he liked about Starfire, she was always willing to learn. "And Raven, you have to reassure them a bit while they're moving. I'm not talking about a long speech, but just make sure they know that we have the situation in hand. You barely said anything at all other than 'keep moving'. Remember these people are frightened and stressed, and about a heartbeat away from panic." Raven grimaced, but nodded.

"Third, Beast Boy," Robin turned to the green teen who was leaning back in his chair with his feet on the table, and his arms crossed behind his head. "you did well with the bomb, but I NEVER want to see that kind of recklessness from you again! What the hell were you thinking?" The changeling was so surprised by this that he nearly lost his balance.

"What?! Dude! I totally saved the day, and instead of a 'Well done' like everyone else gets, I get 'what the hell were you thinking' ?! This blows!" The green boy crossed his arms and glared at his leader. 

Robin wanted to yell but remembered his mentor's advice about keeping calm. "You did very well Beast Boy, and I'm extremely impressed, but lets look at the situation. We had less than five minutes to find and deal with a bomb, of unknown design, which was hidden in a large crowded building. You were spectacularly lucky that you were able to find the bomb, and should consider it a minor miracle that you were able to get it out in time, and a MAJOR miracle that you weren't killed. Next time, either be sure you can pull it off safely, or help evacuate the crowd. Better the bomb should go off in an empty building than we lose a teammate." The rest of the team nodded at this.

Beast Boy wasn't mollified, but seemed willing to let it ride. How can one be mad at ones friends for being concerned about him? "Yeah well, not a lot of time to think about it today, Rob. But I get what you're saying"

Robin opened the large file folder that lay on the table in front of him, a download Batman had sent him to help brief the team.

"What I'm about to read to you is Batman's confidential file on the Joker. Its contains a brief bio, documents his favorite targets, and has what is probably the most complete analysis of his abilities and weaknesses. I want you all to pay very close attention and don't hesitate to ask questions. With the Joker there are no stupid questions, other than the ones you don't ask. Umm… yes, Beast Boy?" 

Beast Boy's hand had shot up. "Aren't we taking this a little too seriously? I mean, I know the guys killed, like, thousands of people, but c'mon! We've got superpowers! He's just some nut in a costume that needs to spend some time in a tanning booth! Why don't we just find him, kick his butt, and send whats left back to that asylum in Gotham?" Cyborg and Starfire both nodded.

Again, Robin felt like yelling. No, he felt like screaming. They didn't understand! He took a deep breath and simply said "I'm also just some guy in a costume. Who wants to step into the training room and pit their powers against me?"  
Total silence.

Robin smirked. "All right, lets get started. Name: Unknown, thought to be Jack or Joseph. Alias: The Joker. History.." Robin looked up from the papers "A lot of this is in Batman's private jargon, with dates and references. I'll spare you that."  
"Thanks oh merciful leader" quipped Beast Boy.

"The short version is this: one night, Batman was investigating a reported break-in at Ace Chemicals. He arrived in time to catch the gang in the act, and routed them following a short battle. Unfortunately for the world, the gang's leader- a masked man calling himself the Red Hood- fell into a vat of chemicals during the brawl. He emerged at the other end of the pipeline … as the Joker.

The chemicals had dyed his skin white and his hair green, as well as destroying his sanity. Yes, Raven?"

Raven lowered her hand "Exactly what is the Joker's specific mental problems?"

"we may never know for sure. His behavior is radically different from day to day. Some experts theorize that he totally reinvents himself every day, in response to the wildly changing data his damaged brain takes from the world around him. However, its clear that he is a sociopath and a psychopath, as well as suffering from severe mania. Anything further?"

Raven shook her head and replied "No further questions but one comment. You all know I'm an empath. Empaths often have…problems with the insane, whose brains by definition aren't working the same as other peoples. I want to let you guys know that I may not be at my best."

Robin scribbled something in the margins of the file. "We'll come back to that later. Anyway, to resume. The Joker has had a long and varied career as a master criminal, amassing millions of dollars in loot and murdering literally thousands of people. Some of his more notable 'achievements' include crippling the first Batgirl, stealing Mr. Mxylplk's powers to become omnipotent, attempting to copyright a species of fish, attempting to gas the UN General Assembly, stealing a cruise missile and killing the second Robin."

"Powers and Abilities: The Joker possesses no superpowers, save a remarkable resistance to toxins. However, and I'd like you all to pay attention to this, Batman notes that this acts a sort of power all its own. Many superpowered adversaries have dismissed the Joker as a mere human, only to discover how dangerous underestimating him really is. Since that lesson generally proved fatal, I'd kinda like you guys to take him seriously right from the start.

The Joker possesses a powerful intellect, and a total lack of scruples. He is a virtual genius in chemistry, being able to concoct his trademark poisons from virtually any chemicals he has to hand. He's shown similar ability in creating weapons from unusual materials. He's demonstrated considerable skill with computers, disguises, mechanical engineering, and biology. He's a master manipulator, and was able to drive his psychologist crazy in less than a year. "

Cyborg raised his hand "That'd be Harley Quinn, right?"

"Right, but more on her later."

"Here's hoping…" Cyborg muttered, only to receive a lever 3 Glare from Raven "What? The clown girl is hot!"

"Dude, I don't need to hear about your weird clown fetish" Beast Boy quipped, and before Cyborg could do more than sputter incoherently, the green teen continued "Lets just let the Boy Wonder continue briefing us about this murderous Macguiver, this Larcenous Leonardo Da Vinci, this…"

"Uhm…yeah." Robin said, a large bead of sweat forming on his head "Moving right along… Joker is fluent in several languages including Spanish, Arabic and Farsi. Finally, the Joker is an above-average fighter with weapons such as crowbars, mallets, knives and guns, but isn't so hot at hand-to-hand combat. He's stronger than he looks though, so don't get cocky.

Known Patterns of Behavior:…Um…the main one is Batman. In the past everything the Joker did was in someway centered around killing, hurting, or humiliating Batman. However, he's left Gotham, and so I don't think we can count that one anymore."

"Of course ya can" Cyborg interrupted "Isn't it obvious, ROBIN? You're here, and you're Batman's former sidekick. He's here to kill you to strike at Batman"

Starfire gasped and her eyes flashed green fire "He shall NOT harm Robin!"

"Whoa! Easy Star!" Robin said, trying to calm the alien girl "Let's all try to keep calm. Joker is dangerous enough without us flying off blind with rage. I'll be fine so long as everyone takes this seriously and keeps their heads, Okay?" the alien girl nodded and Robin resumed "Apart from that the Joker usually finances his schemes with robberies, protection rackets, blackmail rings, and more recently cybertheft. Which means we can't just count on him running out of money or getting desperate.

Usually, the Joker employs an average of twelve hired goons to act as muscle. In this case, its almost certain they'll be local- unskilled and probably inexperienced."

"So basically" Beast Boy commented "Because we've kept Jump City relatively crime free, Joker's stuck with the thug version of the slow kids. Go us!"

Robin couldn't help but smirk at the changelings attitude "Wasn't what you were saying last time you had a midnight stakeout. Anyway, moving on. Notable weapons: The Joker often uses a sort of lethal laughing gas of his own concoction- generally this stuff is called Joker Venom or SmileX. There's a chemical breakdown, but I don't think you guys need to know that… its pretty nasty stuff, causing you to laugh until your heart gives out, leaving your body with a huge grin not unlike the Joker's own.

Other weapons include his weighted rubber chicken, acid-squirting boutonniere, oversized handgun, megawatt electric handbuzzer, and high explosives. That's it for the Joker. Now on to Harley Quinn"

"I'm sure Cy's all ears"  
"Shut up! Damn… make one observation…"

"AHEM! Real name: Harleen Quinzel Alias: Harley Quinn . Bio: she was born into a nice normal Jewish Gotham family. Fairly good grades in high school, excellent grades in Gotham University. Um, Batman notes that many of her grades may have been earned on her back and Raven would you please explain that to Starfire later?"

"oh sure fob it off on me…" Raven droned.

"Thanks I just did. Anyway, internship at Arkham Asylum led to a number of interviews with the Joker. She fell in love with him and began secretly aiding his escapes. Its about this time we think she lost her mind."

"Really? She fell in love with a killer clown and started helping him escape? Why Robin how can you question her sanity!" Beast Boy interjected, only to be ignored by the Boy Wonder.

"Harley displays an obsession with the Joker, mania, homicidal tendencies, regression- Batman estimates her mental age as about twelve- and severe Codependent Personality Disorder. Powers and Abilities: Due to a treatment from Poison Ivy, Harley is far stronger than her small frame would normally allow. She possesses Peak Human strength and agility. She is a trained gymnast and shows some knowledge of martial arts and basic weapons use. She also has two trained hyenas that she often directs in battle. That's pretty much it. Any further questions? No? okay, then before we go I have one last piece of news.

As you all know, Gotham is pretty much undersiege right now, with every name criminal on the loose. Batman can't aid us himself right now, but he's sending us Batgirl"

Beast Boy leapt from his chair "Woohoo! Hot girl in spandex comin' our way- OW!" This last was in response to a smack upside the head from Raven. "you're a meanie, Rae"

"and you're a moron. Go on, Robin"

"Don't get too hopeful Beast Boy. Her real name is Cassandra Cain, and her father is David Cain- one of the greatest assassins in the world. She is a superb martial artist, equaled only by Batman. And before anyone asks- YES she's better than me. She's also still learning to talk- apparently her father felt that communication was a distraction to a killer. So I want everyone to help her fit in.

Dismissed"

-+-+-+-+

A/N

I realize this was an unusually long chapter- especially since its essentially just exposition. But I wanted to establish the Jokers abilities right from the get-go. I don't want to hear anyone complaining later that "Joker can't do that" or "that's impossible" or similar. I also want to dispel the image that new cartoon has created of the Joker as a 'menacing fool' if you will- dangerous but more wacky than scary. Also, yes, the Joker CAN speak multiple languages as can be seen in A Death In the Family wherein he negotiates with Iranians (Farsi) and Hezbollah (Arabic).  
I also wanted to stress something from my take on Harley Quinn i.e. that she's not just a victim of the Joker but a willing participant in his crimes. Otherwise fine authors such as themadpuppy and Gladrial10 often gloss over Harley's own murderous tendencies. She's not just some poor lost waif swept along by the Joker- she's killed more than a few people herself.


	5. Chapter 5

The meeting over, the Titans began to file out to resume their daily business. Robin clearly didn't know how to deal with the present situation just yet so there was no special schedule to follow. On her way out Raven saw Robin motion her aside. She surpressed a momentary twinge of annoyance- she really wanted to talk to Beast Boy- but moved over to Robin anyway.  
"Raven, what exactly did you mean by 'problems with the Insane'? what exactly should we anticipate?"

Raven sighed,, and reflected that she should have seen this coming. "I don't know Robin. The reaction varies from empath to empath. A madman might cause one empath to go completely catatonic, while another would only suffer something like mild vertigo. I honestly can't tell you how I'll react until I've been near the Joker."  
"So, you're telling me my most dependable teammate just became a wildcard?" Robin said looking none too pleased.

"Sorry. Now, I'm going to find Beast Boy. I have some questions for him about how he pulled off today's little stunt". With that the dark girl silently went in search of her answers, grim determination in every line of her body.

Robin chuckled, thinking of how the answer she got would surprise her. "maybe it'll get those two moving already… I swear, like an old married couple…"  
-+-+-+-+

Raven found her quarry in the kitchen, fixing a snack. Beast Boy was rummaging around the refrigerator, muttering to himself. Unsure how to begin, Raven cleared her throat. At the noise Beast Boy spun around.

"Raven! You're just in time to help me! All that information made me hungry so I decided to fix myself one of my famous tofu-watercress-lettuce-tomato-nondairy cheese sandwiches. But as you may or may not know (probably not knowing you) a tofu-watercress-lettuce-tomato-nondairy cheese sandwich is not a true tofu-watercress-lettuce-tomato-nondairy cheese sandwich- withOUT the SECRET ingredient… bread. How- HOW I ask you- can we solve this problem?"

Raven paused for a moment, as her brain made sense of what Beast Boy had just said. "I think there's some whole wheat on the third shelf. Towards the back, past the yogurt"

Beast Boy resumed his search until… "AHA! Success! Raven, you're the greatest! I owe ya one!"

Raven smirked. Leave it to Beast Boy to make a snack into some grand production. "Well perhaps you can pay me back right now by answering a question"

"Yes." Beast Boy replied, still rustling around the back of the fridge "Its true. I'm green aaaalllll over... not unlike this cheese. Gross. Anything else?"

Raven scowled (and blushed) "Yes, actually, and thanks for that delightful image"  
"Anytime Rae. Whatya want to know?"

"How in the world did you muster the brainpower to know how to safely deal with a chemical weapon?"

There was no comedic noise of surprise, no clang as the green boy banged his head on the shelf above. He simply, slowly, withdrew his head from the refrigerator and looked at Raven with an expression she'd rarely seen on his face before. It took her a moment to realize it was anger. "Raven?" he asked, his tone as devoid of emotion as hers ever was "Just how stupid do you think I am? Honestly?"

A thousand sarcastic comments raced through her mind, but the expression on his face told her this wasn't the time. It told her this was one of those hanging-by-a-thread moments, where a single wrong word could change things forever. She settled on the truth instead. "I never thought you were stupid, Beast Boy. However, I do- I DID think you were abysmally ignorant of things outside comics, video games, and zoology. I mean, what evidence have you ever given me to the contrary?" She hoped he believed her, she had a feeling their friendship was riding on it.

He was silent for a moment, looking at her, trying to gauge her honesty. Finally he smiled slightly "Yeah, I guess I do act kinda ignorant don't I? Truth is though, I AM ignorant about a lot of things. Stuff like zoology I know because, well, I'm BEAST Boy. But while I was with the Doom Patrol, Mento said he couldn't let me stay on the team unless I knew enough to be a hero. The team crammed my head full of Criminology, Police Science, and Counter-Terrorist Procedure. But.." He rubbed the back of his head with one hand "I know zero about science, less about history and I couldn't do algebra with a gun to my head. ".

Rather than being amused, Raven felt herself becoming cross. "Wasn't that kind of short-sighted of them? You won't be a hero forever, Garfield, none of us will. When you go out into the real world, what will you do without an education?"

'Though it would be par for the course with the Doom Patrol' she thought. Like all the titans, Raven and Cyborg were on their best behavior when the Doom Patrol visited. But they'd both heard the 'happy family moment' stories Beast Boy told them, mostly about battles against armed madmen, and taken a very different view of things than the others. The way Raven saw it, Mento hadn't been raising a son, he'd been teaching a recruit. The boy hadn't had much affection in his life for a while, so she warmed up a bit to the changeling, to compensate (she told herself). Cyborg understood that his best friend hadn't had a childhood- he'd had training. So he did his best to make each day as enjoyable as he could for the green guy- giving him REAL happy memories and family moments. Giving Beast Boy the skills to be a hero, but not to lead a real life- having no thought for him as anything other than a weapon in the war against evil- sounded about right for them.

"Well," Beast Boy said, assembling his huge sandwich and remaining oblivious to Raven's ire "I guess we were kinda busy; what with y'know, saving the world. Besides, not like there aren't night classes, GED programs, adult learning centers and stuff. Plenty of people couldn't finish schooling for one reason or another. It won't be easy playing catch-up, but I guess I'll manage. "

Raven was surprised. "You've given this some thought haven't you?"

Beast Boy shrugged. "Terra once asked what I planned to do after the Titans... before she...well..."

Raven didn't say a word. She put her hand on Beast Boy's shoulder in the universal 'I'm-here-for-you' gesture familiar to friends everywhere. This was new territory for her, comforting friends. Since the defeat of Trigon she'd been trying to express more emotion, and this was about as far as she'd got."Beast Boy.."

"It's OK Raven, I'm done brooding over her. She coulda had the green lovemachine, and she passed up the chance. Her loss, right? Anyway, that's why I started thinking about it. I still don't really know, but Mento always said that if you're ready for everything nothing will surprise you. So I'll do the education thing, maybe even be a scientist like my parents. And then I'll be a SMART sexy beast."

"I have one last question" Raven asked, completely concealing how nervous she was. "Why...why were you so angry when you thought I believed you were stupid?"

Beast Boy looked uncomfortable for a moment, almost...shy. "Well Rae, I uh that is um, when you insult me I just treat it as kidding around y'know? Like Cyborg calling me grass stain. But.. if you actually thought all the stuff you said was true...well, then it wasn't just friends kidding around, it was someone trying to humiliate me. It'd mean all those 'friendly moments' were just plain abuse, y'know? And that we've never actually been friends, I was just your punching bag"

Raven felt horrible. Had she really been that abusive to him? "Uhm...right... thanks for giving me a straight answer. I think I'll go meditate, we need to be ready if the Joker makes his move" 

"Hmm... You're right Rae. I'd better make an extra sandwich to keep my strength up. Where's that horseradish? Oh! And the pickled onions?"

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

On his way to the gym, Robin felt a hand on his shoulder. Instantly his brain went into detective mode. The pressure indicated the person was taller than he was (not Raven or Beast Boy) and gentleness ruled out Cyborg. "Hi Star. Something I can help you with?"

"You are angry friend Robin, and afraid. Please, do not hide your feelings." the alien girl gave a warm smile, the one that turned Robin's guts to goo "Perhaps then you will not find them as burdensome, yes?"

Robin sighed. "You guys don't really believe me do you? Everything I said went in one ear and out the other"

"Oh no Robin, I did not feel anything exiting my ear! And we most certainly DO believe you, however...Does not friend Beast Boy possess a point? Is this not just one ordinary human?"

Robin was silent for a moment and then he spoke. "Starfire what do you know about Batman?"

Starfire didn't answer immediately. She knew this was a phenomenally important topic for Robin. As she saw it that Batman served much the same role in Robin's life that Galfore served in hers. Protector, guardian, mentor and role model in one- though she felt he might have been lacking in the affection a proper K'norfka should show their charge. She sometimes wondered if perhaps this was the reason Robin did not openly return her affections. "I know that he is a great warrior against evil, and that he is feared by many heroes and villains. I know that he has faced the Joker often, and always emerged triumphant. I know that he was your mentor"

Robin chuckled "Well that's a good start. Star, how much do you know about Gotham's costumed criminals?"

"I know that they are very bad people, worse even then Slade. Awful, violent people who have harmed many innocent people." Starfire frowned. She had read the files on the so-called Rogues, and been most unhappy to note how many had injured or kidnapped Robin. She was determined that this would not occur again.

"All right." Robin leaned forward, so close that Starfire could feel his breath. In a low voice he said "Star, Batman once said that of all the enemies he's ever fought, the Joker was the only one who scared him. Even the other Rogues fear the Joker, and stay out of his way whenever possible. And me, I've had nightmares about the Joker since I was four, same as every kid in Gotham City. THAT'S what we're up against Star."  
Robin took the alien girls hands in his own, causing her heart to race "Promise me you'll be careful Star. I couldn't… I don't…" he swallowed "Just promise me, okay?"  
Over her thudding heart and pounding pulse, Starfire just heard herself say "Very well, I promise"

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ J J

In the Joker's hideout, the mad clown was hunched over his desk, scribbling furiously. The pencil danced across the paper almost impossibly quickly, as the Joker tried desperately to capture the ideas his brain churned out almost too fast for him to recognize their genius. One idea flowed into the next so that a death trap became a bank heist became a kidnapping plot became another death trap. His tongue poked out from between his lips and sweat beaded his brow as he tried to sift through the swirling chaos within his mind.

Joker laid his pencil aside for a moment and sighed. He'd heard other Rogues complain about running out of ideas, but his trouble was getting the damn things to stay still long enough so he could get one on paper. They were the reason he was rarely able to get a good nights sleep! What he wouldn't give for a brief 'dry spell'!

Where was Harley? He needed his audience to really plot successfully. He'd come to rely on her as a sounding board for ideas, and as a way to stay focused on just one idea at a time. A comment like "Oooh Puddin', that one looks funny!" or "Wow, Mista J, I neva woulda thought to use silly Putty that way!" told him he was on the right track, whereas "um…puddin'? I think ya tried that once" meant it was time to move on to something else (after administering a quick blow to the head, because she shouldn't contradict her man even when he's wrong). Where was she?! When she got back he'd…

…Oh. Right. He'd sent her out for tools and parts.

Unable to plot anymore right now, Joker leaned back and considered Harley Quinn. He was aware he had feelings for her- how could he not? She was the first one to Get It- at least partially. Over the years Joker had driven any number of people insane, but most either wound up raving paranoiacs or delusional lunatics, with the occasional total catatonic thrown in. So dull, so tedious.

Harley was the first one whose mind had broken along the same lines as his own, seeing the world as a toybox and all the people as toys. She understood that the world was an insane and meaningless place, life an absurd joke, and that you could do anything you wanted because none of it mattered. In short- she got the colossal joke that was existence. It was nice having someone else to share that joke with- made him feel less like a lone lunatic and more like a happy well-rounded psychopath.

Plus she was a permanent and appreciative audience. The Joker was nothing if not a showman, and what was the point of a grand performance without someone to applaud at the end? Yes, she'd made his life so much better. he really ought to treat her better… a nice night on the town, maybe, dinner and a comedy club or something.

He swept his gaze around the 'work area' of his hideout- one of the largest he'd ever had. In Gotham, finding a hideout was (for him) a simple matter. Show up at some poor saps warehouse/amusement park/apartment, kill everyone inside, redecorate. Easy, cheap and fun Fun FUN! His city would always provide for him- unlike this rainy dump. But now Joker had to be careful. He wasn't up against Batso- challenging a dance partner as the Dark Nut was he was just one man with one set of eyes. Now, though, Joker was up against a team of heroes, one of whom had practically taken Joker 101 as taught by Professor Fatman. Joker had a sudden mental image of ol' Batsy handing the Boy Decoy a written test "Question One: What does the Joker like on his waffles?… Answer: The Joker doesn't like waffles! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

So he'd bought a small mid-town house using a dummy company- Whytephase Inc- and stocked it well. Most of the budget had gone into the Chemical lab- where even now bubbling beakers brewed several varieties of lethal joy to be shared with the citizens of this dreary burg. But the Joker had also installed a torture chamber/breakfast nook, a top-of-the-line computer system, living quarters for the goons, and an elegant suite for him and his moll. Well, elegant by his standards, anyway. Lots of purple, green, and blood red.

…Where the HELL was Harley?! How long could it possibly take to get tools?! She was dilly-dallying again, that's what it was! Or maybe shilly-shallying which was even worse. Well, he'd to break her of that habit right quick! He'd been far too tolerant of her slacking lately, and she clearly thought he was going soft. Good for nothing slut. It was all that stuff they did in the bedroom, that was it. All that...moving about and...fluid loss.. it was bound to have an effect! He'd put an end to it...well...maybe just cut down a bit...

He scowled, not liking where this particular train of thought seemed to be leading. He was the Joker, he wasn't close to anyone, and he certainly didn't need anyone. He'd been a solo act for a long long time, he could go back to being one. He'd have to remind Harley of that little fact!

Unfortunately for Harley, she entered the room at precisely that moment. She was wearing Daisy Duke style shorts and a bright pink T-shirt, and carrying a large sack that clinked and clanked as she bounced across the floor to her Puddin', her beloved, her Mista J. "Puddin', I'm back! Didya ERK!"

Joker had leapt to meet her, clapping his hands on her pretty throat, and squeezing a bit to make sure he had her attention. "What took so long? The hardware store is twenty minutes away! Did you get...DISTRACTED?" The last word came out in a menacing growl, and Harley knew this was one of those hanging-by-a-thread moments, where a single word spelled the difference between life and death. Anyone else might have been flustered, but life as the Joker's girl had given Harley a good deal of experience with this sort of thing. "I was (ack) held up!"

"HELD UP?!" Oh the Joker was livid now. His hands still firmly on Harley's throat, he began to lift her off the ground "You found something more pressing to do than bring me the parts I told you to get?!" He punctuated his question with a less than gentle squeeze of Harley's windpipe.

"Uhn...N-no Mista J, I got HELD UP. Some moron, (AKKIES!) s-s-stuck a gun in my face an' tried ta rob me!"

Joker was so startled he dropped her, and stood staring for a few seconds. Then he found his voice "...Want to run that one by me again, Harl?"

"He sticks this cheap Saturday Night Special in my face an' sez" here Harly's voice became deeper and gruffer "'Okay sweetie hand over yer money'. I was so shocked I didn't know WHAT to do!"

Normally Joker would have made some smart remark about that being nothing new, but this was a bizarre situation. In Gotham, everyone knew the major rogues by sight- in costume or out. The idea of being attacked by street trash was past laughable into the realm of fairy tales. Now, the Joker was used to the world not making a lot of sense to him- but this was a new one even for him. "So what did you do? If you brought the heat down on us..."

Harley smiled. She had a number of smiles from her would-be-seductive smile (which Joker found irritating) to her bad-Grrl smile (which he found arousing). This was closer to the latter than the former, and spoke of dark pride. "I asked myself, What Would Mista J do? So, I carved a smiley face on his forehead with the screwdriver I bought, an' just now gave the body to the hyenas! Whateva's left, I'll bury tonight out in the dump." 

Joker was pleased with this. She was learning after all. He'd almost despaired of teaching her anything, but she was listening! Still… "Harley! I'm shocked! How could you do that?! What if you'd damaged the screwdriver blade?!"  
"Ooh, don't worry Puddin'! They were havin' a sale on the titanium ones so I got those. Plus I found out where the Off-Kilter Moth is hiding."

"Ah, homicidal, frugal and useful! You've been a very good girl today Harl. I'll even let you be the one to swat the pathetic moth. Lord knows he's not worth MY time…"

Harley thought she'd die of happiness.

A/N

This is my own take on the Harley/Joker relationship. Does he love her? Yes, but that isn't the question. The question is, Is that a good thing for her? The answer is NO. Having the Joker love you is exactly like having a shark love you. In both cases, you are subject to the attentions of a creature who has no experience of love, doesn't understand what it's feeling, has no mercy or pity, and whose 'default setting'- if you will- is murder. Not a safe situation, as can be seen from his rapid shifts in mood. Psychos CAN love, just look into the history of some of the more prolific serial killers. Also consider- more evil has been done in the name of love than has ever been done for hate.

Plus I wanted to showcase a fact that SHOULD be obvious from the comics but that a lot of writers overlook. Harley Quinn is funny, Harley Quinn is angsty, Harley Quinn is even kinda hot. But she's also dangerous; a psychopath who shows little to no remorse.


	6. Chapter 6

The Joker and Harley Quinn rode in silence for a time. The new Jokermobile (A purple cadillac convertible with some…modifications) cruised the city's side streets, drawing nearer to the now closed Jump City Entymological Museum once home of the worlds oldest insect fossil and now home to Killer Moth.

Joker mused about how far he'd come since entering the city. Apart from his four personal HenchClowns (Groucho, Harpo, Zippo and Ted) his gang now numbered more than fifty thugs and lawbreakers. He now received protection money from no fewer than twenty local businesses. The local crime "lords" paid him regular tribute- you couldn't steal an orange without giving the Joker a slice. But to the Joker all that was irrelevant- who cared about money? He rarely paid for anything that didn't come from Kittlemeier's or the Iceberg.

No, what truly mattered was the plan. Step one, establish a power base, was complteted- in fact he'd done far better than he'd planned for. He supposed it just went to show what a man could do without serious competition. Step two, destroying the so-called villains whose existence demeaned his profession, was well underway. Of those on his list, only Slade, killer Moth, and Red X had the guts to stick around. The others had all fled town, in a desperate attempt to escape the Joker's vengeance. And soon, it'd just be Slade and Red X.

But now there was a delicate matter ahead. On the one hand, Killer Moth deserved death more than any of the other wanna-bes in Jump City. He'd been less than nothing in Gotham- literally some loser who'd pulled on a suit and robbed liquor stores. No theme, no homicides, not even a catchphrase. And now he was here, usurping the Joker's monopoly on robincide. It was like being fired from the mail room and trying to play the Executive golf course- it spat in the face of those, more talented rogues who'd worked hard to achieve the level of notoriety required to really threaten the Bat (or the Bird). But on the other hand, he was SUCH a loser that Joker couldn't bear to kill him personally- it'd be one step above stealing kids' report cards. So he'd let Harley do it. Plus it'd let him see how much she'd learned from him…

"Um, P-Puddin'? Ya remember that loser who tried ta mug me?" Harley's voice had a slight tremor since Joker's memories weren't always the same as hers. He would recall events she couldn't remember, and deny ones she was shad happened. Clearly she had some problems with her memory, since Puddin' was obviously right about everything. Joker nodded impatiently, and twirled his finger., indicating she should get on with it.

"Uh... before I killed 'im, I told 'im who I was and who you were, an' he said you were a nothin'. Said he was more scareda someone called Cinderblock than you."

"Huh. Pity he's already dead, I'd show him what a real cinder block can do. Your point, Harl?"

"Mista J! We been here nearly a month an' the lemmings in this nowhere town think they can laugh at ya! An' not in the good way neither! It ain't right! We gotta do somethin'!"

Joker smiled wider- he couldn't help it. Harley got more passionate about defending him than she did about defending herself- another sign of his fine handiwork way back when in Arkham. Take that business with the Gotham Post. She put up with years of innuendo about her and the Weed Woman, how they were so in love and that nasty ol' Joker kept them apart, never said a thing. Joker'd checked it out- he wasn't jealous but he'd broken Harley so she'd be devoted to him exclusively- and found nothing between them but friendship (at least on Harley's side). HA! Ol' Red even beat on Harley, almost as bad as Joker did! Some 'true love'!

Point was she'd never done anything mroe than roll her eyes and whine to him. Then the Post had the audacity to reveal a 'New Joker'. A hideous red-eyed thing, with greasy green dreadlocks that dressed like a beggar. She'd been ready to kill everyone in that newsroom for slighting her man. HAHAHAHAAAA! Too bad Fatman had to stop them...

"Don't worry Harley" he said patting her on the head "Pretty soon this town will learn what laughter is! But right now we need to stay low, so that our opening act comes as a nice big surprise to the Tie-Ins! HAHAHAHAHAAAA! "

Harley beamed, content with the attention and her man's reasoning. After all, Puddin' was always right.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

The alarm sounded as the Jokermobile smashed through the museum gates

Deep in his lair, Killer Moth was preparing his ultimate defense protocol- waiting for death. He'd known this day was coming, ever since he'd been chased from Gotham. They'd told him to stop, that he was an insult to their hard work and villainy. He'd fled Gotham City with his thorax between his legs, and come to Jump City to make a new start. But he'd known they wouldn't let him alone- and now... now he was going to die. He was no match for Joker- not now not ever! If it were just him, he'd do it himself- kill himself and deny the clown his fun, but he couldn't leave Kitten to face that monster alone.

"Daddy! Who are those men!" his daughter shrieked "Make them go away! They are RUINING my MeTime! I can't watch my soaps when..."

"KITTEN! Listen to me and for once in your life do as I say, and just might have a 'rest of your life'! Get out of this museum do you hear me?! Take the back way and RUN! Call that..spiderboy... if you must but get going!"

"Hmmph! and leave my.."

"PLEASE!" Moth turned to his daughter, nothing but desperation in his voice "They're here to kill us and I don't have a chance in hell of stopping them. Kitten... I thought men like the Joker took everything from me once. But I realize now, that YOU are everything to me. I love you Kitten, and I wish to heaven I'd said it more. Its a little late now for me to be a good father I know, but I can at least save your life! RUN!!!"  
"Daddy..."Kitten looked shocked. She'd often heard her father rant about her and how she was critical to his plans, but he'd never said he loved her before. It drove home how serious this was. She grabbed her father in a fierce hug, and was surprised by how good it felt – better than any shopping spree. "I love you too" Kitten took off down the escape tunnel, palming her handheld communicator in her hand.

The Killer Moth waited for death to come to him. It was an odd thing, really. He should be thinking about the crimes he'd commited (petty and stupid though they were) or the people he'd hurt. Instead all he could think about was a little golden haired girl, who'd begged him to come and palay with her- and of all the times he'd told her he was too busy. All the tea parties he'd declined to attend, all the dress-up games he'd ignored, the trips to the park he'd forgotten, all the times his daughter had wanted him and he'd gone on working with the damn moths…

'Too late now, I suppose.' He thought with a sigh.

With a huge boom, the final door was down. Through the smoke, the Joker strolled into Killer Moth's lair, as casually as another man might walk into his office. To Moth's surprise the clown said nothing; didn't even laugh. Just stood aside while his sidekick strode in with (for her) an unusual amount of dignity.  
The clown girl glanced at her (boss? boyfriend? he didn't want to know) who nodded, then she spoke "Hiya Mothballs! Betcha thought ya'd never see us again once ya left Gotham, huh? Well, ya shouldna tried to off the Boy Bitch! That's Mista J's perogative, right Puddin'?"

Joker, who was apparently engrossed in playing with a yoyo, nodded absently.

"Now normally, Mista J doesn't subcontract killin'. But fact is..." at this she leaned in close "...You just ain't worth his time. An', beacause I been a good girl, I get ta kill ya! Now don't worry, this'll hurt plenty..."

Killer Moth screamed for a long long time.

When it was over Harley, now breathing hard but smiling, turned to the Joker. "How'd I do, mista J?"

Joker put away his yoyo and walked around the body. "Hmmm….." he said, in the tones of one delivering a judgement "you started off strong, using the bugzapper as you did. The bit with the pesticides was a bit cliché, though. Your finish- pinning him to the wall like that- was all right, I suppose. Not bad for a first effort but plenty of room for improvement. Professor Joker gives it a B- HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!" 

Harley was so proud of herself.

-+-+-+-+-+

In Gotham City, Hell was still loose, but Heaven was fighting back. The BatTeam were working around the clock to capture the madmen and thugs that menaced the city. The GCPD was impressing even the most jaded vigilantes, all officers putting in double shifts without mentioning the word 'overtime'- . Still they were barely holding the city together. Last nights battle at the Iceberg, in which Batman had been forced to actually DEFEND Oswald Cobblepot from the Ghost Dragons, proved that. Yet no one questioned Batman's decision to send Batgirl to Jump City. As he'd put it "Joker is worse than any eight lesser villains".

Cassandra Cain stood in a private hanger of Gotham's International Airport, waiting to board WayneTech-1. She was more than a little nervous, she had rarely been away from her 'family' for as long as

this mission would require. To make matters worse, none of the BatTeam could be here to see her off. She smiled to herself. 'Well, one did anyway'

"Excuse me Miss Cassie but do you find something humerous about being in an unheated hangar at 2 o'clock on a cold winters morning? About flying across the contient to battle an insane clown mere weeks before Christmas? To leave your family behind? If there is, I would appreciate it if you shared the joke" The words were disapproving, but Alfred's body language was clearly saying that he was worried. For her. For Bruce. For Robin. For all of them.

"No joke. Just thinking. One of BatTeam here to say goodbye. Nicest one."

Alfred smiled but said "Heaven forbid the day ever come when I don a spandex tuxedo and join Master Bruce in battling maniacs as The Butler. Laugh if you will Miss Cassie but I have had nightmares about that very thing."  
Cassie laughed silently "Must go Alfred. Joker dangerous, Tim need help. Read files, Titans seem nice" she blushed slightly. "Green boy cute. Nice…ears."

Alfred pressed a hand to his forehead and closed his eyes "oh dear. I am not going to enjoy reporting this. You are becoming a woman, aren't you? And of course, we all know what a reasonable man Master Bruce is, espescially with regards to matters of the heart. I fear, Miss Cassie, you may soon be the recipient of the world's first Bat Chastity Belt."

The englishman broke his legendary reserve- which had survived kidnapping attempts, alien invasions, and prolonged dealings with the French- briefly to hug her and resumed speaking as drily as before "Please inform master Timothy that I shall be visiting exactly one week after this Joker business is concluded- so he had best have that Tower ship-shape and Bristol-fashion by the time I get there. Remind him that the Joker and Batman combined are as naught before the Wrath of Pennyworth."

Cassie snickered, knowing that in all the world Alfred was the only one who could say that. She hugged the butler who had become so much to her and boarded the plane.

A/N  
I simply cant take Killer MOth seriously. He was a loser in Gotham, he's a loser in Jump, he was granted superpowers by a demon and he was STILL a loser! I mean, Jesus, if you -ing suck after the -ing devil's given you powers, its time to get a new -ing career! (heh, mister Tulip). But I think his daughter is an interesting idea that isn't explored enough.

Yes, Ivy also mistreats Harley, and I don't know why Fanfic writers ignore it. Just another sign of how messed up that girl is.

Yes, I truly do despise the New Joker in that The Batman cartoon. The animated series provided a perfect Joker (voiced by Mark Hamill- who knew Luke Skywalker could do award wining demented laughter?) and they go and replace it with a wacky clown who dresses like he lives in a refrigerator box.

Yes, Alfred is almost as cool as Joker.

Wow, I'm really moving this thing along ain't I? What can I say, the Joker seems to have my muse at gunpoint. SOrry for any misspellings but my spellcheckers offline.


	7. Chapter 7

Raven sat in Starfire's room, deep in thought as the alien girl talked about her last trip to the Mall. Her confrontation with Beast Boy had raised some questions in her mind. Why exactly did she care whether or not Beast Boy was educated? Certainly, she cared for her friends, but what the Doom Patrol did to him made her absolutely furious.

It was always like this with him. She worried about him far more than she did the rest of the team. She didn't know why; despite appearances she knew he was capable of taking care of himself. Raven and Beast Boy often had long talks when they were alone, and she'd heard a lot of his life's story. She knew better than anyone how strong he was mentally and emotionally. And physically...she blushed slightly, remembering a recent trip to Jump City beach, and how she'd spent several minutes noticing his new muscles before he'd wrongly accused her of…staring…. No.

Oh no. NO! Nononononononono! Damn it. She had a crush on Beast Boy. Fantastic.

Starfire paused in her talk to see Raven sitting with a blush on her face and a vacant look in her eyes. "Friend Raven, of what are you thinking? Or perhaps..." a sly look crossed the alien girls face "...of whom?"

Raven's first impulse was to deny everything, but Starfire was her best friend. Raven wasn't some immature girl who believes all her crushes are top secret, and she trusted Starfire more than almost anyone. She told Starfire her suspicion that she had a crush on Beast Boy. She expected surprise, she expected glee, she expected hugging. She did not expect the alien girl to nod her head and say "yes, friend Robin thought you might not be aware of it"

"Excuse me?" Raven said, thoroughly thrown by this "do you mean to tell me Robin knew of my crush before I did?! Wow. That's actually just a bit creepy"

"Oh Raven" Starfire said, rolling her eyes "It has been most apparent to all that you and Beast Boy share the attraction. You speak to him even more than you do to me, and he is always the first to receive the healing. Also…do you remember august?"

"We swore never to discuss that again." Raven said with a glare. That august, Beast Boy had gone to visit the Titans South in Atlanta. Pantha, Jericho, Herald, Argent and red Star had contacted the Tower, and specifically requested that the green boy come to help get them started. He'd been gone a month and a half. 45 of the worst days Raven had ever experienced.

At first things had been wonderful. Peace and quiet for more than an hour at a stretch. Meditation sessions that were guaranteed to be free of interruption. Breakfasts that did not include the meant-tofu war. Best of all, no more bad jokes every time she sat down in the common room. Bliss. For about a week. After a week had passed Raven noticed she was lonely. No one came to talk to her, assuming that if she wanted to talk she would. But Raven had never been good at starting conversations, and so the best she could do was to have a few discussions with Starfire about earth culture. Beast Boy was usually the one who drew her into conversation, and had often surprised her with his depth.

No one tried to bring her out of her shell- Beast Boy had earned too much pain that way for anyone else to even consider it. She was no longer included in the Tower's activities. Everyone assumed that Raven wouldn't want to do anything "fun"- just look at how Beast Boy had to whine and beg and risk his neck just to get her to join in. Raven couldn't just walk up to the team and ask to go bowling (or whatever) with them- she had an image to maintain after all. But she COULD give in to Beast Boy, and have a good time, without losing face. This had been her strategy for years.

In short, Raven went from being one of the team to being a co-worker. They were all still her friends- she could feel the friendship radiating off them- but without Beast Boy forcing her to hang out with them, raven found herself spending more and more time alone in her room. She discovered that the enjoyment she usually got from this had mainly come from its rarity- she so rarely got to be alone in her room that each moment was bliss. When she was alone in her room hour after hour, day after day, it felt less like bliss and more like solitary confinement.

"Regardless" Starfire said, drawing her back to the here and now, "you were most unhappy when friend Beast Boy was gone. It is most obvious to all, save Beast Boy, and him only because Robin says he is..um… Robin said 'as thick as a brick sandwich about love' but I have never seen such a sandwich so I cannot say I understand this."

Raven simply sat there, absorbing the twin shocks that (a) she was romantically interested in Beast Boy and (b) everyone else knew about it before she did. "I can't feel this way about Beast Boy. I just can't"

"Friend Raven I do not understand. Is there something about Beast Boy that I do not know, some reason you find these feelings so unacceptable? Is he cruel, or untruthful, or selfish?" Starfire seemed to be asking sincerely, but nevertheless Raven was suspicious. In her opinion, it was obvious to all that the shape changer was none of these things. "Then what is the problem?"

"It's just...we're so different Starfire. How can I hope to have any sort of relationship with him? Even if I wanted to." She finished hastily.

Starfire tapped her lip, thinking. Finally she began speaking, slowly, as though she wanted to be sure she was understood "There is a saying on my planet: t'gark xha nfaraak du. It could be translated as Two Halves Make A Whole, or as Opposites Attract. Neither one is truly correct, for it is a concept of much complexity- indeed it is one of the keystones of Tamaranian culture. It means that each of us- every person in the universe- is incomplete. We possess weaknesses and gaps that we cannot fill, no matter how hard we may try. Yet, for every one of us, there is another- one who possesses the strengths we lack, who balances us. Who makes us whole. May I speak freely Raven?"

Raven nodded. She'd always known Starfire was deeper than she seemed but rarely was it made this obvious. 'Just wait until she gets a handle on Earth culture. I doubt the place will ever be the same...'

"You seem to fear closeness to others. You are often dark and pessimistic, and are shy even around we who are your closest friends. You have much of the knowledge of books, yet fear to leave them to explore the real world. I think, if you were to be with someone who is like you, this would be made worse, not better. To truly be complete you need balance. Perhaps Beast Boy is that balance- that completeness. You have little to lose by trying- and much to be gained. T'gark xha nfaraak du"

"Wow that was very...deep" Raven said "and here I thought Tamaranian culture was all glowing food and long poetry"

Starfire smiled, understanding her friends need to break the moment. Perhaps when she found completeness, the need would pass. "Perhaps then, you should initiate the dating? There is being no time like at present, yes?"

Raven snorted "This from the girl who's been dancing around our leader for the last few years"

Starfire blushed, but not in a happy way. Raven could feel waves of sorrow radiating off the girl. Was Starfire ashamed? "Starfire, if Robin's done something..."

"No. No friend Raven. I... not long after our return from Tokyo, Robin asked to speak with me in his room. I was most joyous, for I assumed we would begin the dating. Instead, he told me he could not. He said that, as leader, he could not allow himself to form such a bond with a teammate. He said that it was already hard enough to place me in jeopardy- and that if we were to begin the dating he would not be able to trust his judgment. He asked me to please move on and find someone else."

Raven was stunned. She'd known the Boy Wonder had issues but this... What had Batman DONE to that boy? "Starfire that's...that's insane."

"Yes. I know." the orange girl replied, her emerald eyes downcast "But I cannot think how to show this to him. And please, do not tell anyone. It would do no good."

Raven sighed. She knew of only one way to cheer her alien friend up. 'The things I do for my friends... there'd better be a heaven.'

"Starfire? Maybe, you could help me think of how to ask him out? And, maybe help me change my look a bit for the date? A little bit. Maybe."

Starfire knew that Raven was only trying to cheer her up by allowing her to perform a makeover. However, just the fact that her friend was willing to make such a sacrifice to cheer her up improved her mood greatly.

-+-+-+-+-+-+

At a small airfield on the outskirts of Jump City, the Titans waited for their new arrival. Officially, they were sheltering a young girl who was to be a witness against Black Mask, and Robin had taken care to make sure each Titan knew the story flawlessly. IT was important that her cover be maintained, at least in front of the Waynetech-1 flight crew- who Robin knew for a fact often sold info to the various Gotham gossip rags. Bruce considered it useful in spreading the playboy fop image, but Robin didn't want the world to know who Batgirl was.

A petite, short haired girl with a vaguely Asian cast to her features stepped off the plane and walked towards Robin solemnly. She wore a black tee-shirt and green pants, and acted every bit the frightened girl- eyes twitching from side to side, body language very closed, her pace erratic. Without a word, Robin led her to the T-car and helped her inside, as the others entered. Only when they reached the tower did the girl break into a smile, wrapping the Boy Wonder in a warm hug "Hello Tim. Nice to see you."

Now, the Titans had exchanged secret identities on the first day. They knew Robin was Timothy Drake, and had even seen him without his mask on. Robin had been insistent that there be no secrets between them- he'd seen how the Protocols incident had damaged the Justice League. Batman had been sensible to make plans to disable League members (after all how many times had heroes turned bad for whatever reason?) but the fact that he'd hidden this had caused almost irreperable harm to the League. But still, no one ever used it. It seemed...sacreligeous somehow.

Robin unfolded himself from the hug gently (causing Starfire to unclench her fist) and said "Its Robin now, Cass. I'm ONLY Robin now."

Cassie frowned. "Not healthy. Tim know that. Can't do forever" Honestly, though, the comment had her worried. She knew what had really driven Tim from Gotham; the death of Stephanie Brown aka the spoiler aka the girl Robin. After her torture and death at the hands of Black Mask, Tim had felt guilty for his girlfriends death. Tim hadn't been able to stay in Gotham, claiming it held too many memories. She'd expected him to have moved on;but instead she found him hiding behind the mask.

Robin laughed and replied "well, we'll see about that. Lets get back to the Tower, and we can introduce you to everyone properly."

Cassie smiled and nodded but inside she was very worried.

A/N

Its been pointed out that the conversation between Raven and Starfire could be interpreted as 'all women need a guy'. This was not my intention- I merely think we're all part of a puzzle and need others to complete us.

This may be the last of my superfast updates. My leave is over, and I return to duty on sunday. So I want to see LOTS of reviews people. How am I doing so far?


	8. Chapter 8

r?

The ride to the Tower was largely uneventful. Everyone was distraced by their own thoughts.

The T-car pulled into the vast garage quickly, and RObin led everyoen into the common room. Cassie stared at the cast recreation room with amazement. Never in her life had she seen so much time and money spent on something as frivolous as recreation. Wayne manner had little in the way of entertainment facilities (apart from watching Alfred put Batman in his place with a well-timed quip), and the apartment Bruce provided for her was quite spartan. This place seemed almost ridiculously decadent. A huge overstuffed couch, three video game systems, a gigantic sound system, all of it of the very highest quality. She didn't know how Tim had convinced his mentor to pay for all this but she made a mental note to ask him to teach her the method.  
The Titans sat down on the couch, with Cassie on a chair facing them, about a foot away.

"Well, lets get everyone introduced. Titans this is Cassandra Cain. Cassie, would you mind if I gave your story to them? I know you have trouble expressing some thigns." Cassie nodded "Fine. Cassie was born to David Cain and Lady Shiva. As you may know, Cain is one of the worlds greatest hired killers, and Lady Shiva is arguably the finest martial artist in the world. Cain was the one who raised her, and he trained her in the martial arts to the point where she far exceeds my skill as a fighter. However, he deliberately never taught her to talk, feeling that the perfect killing machine should have no interaction with people beyond killing them. It was during the events of No Mans Land that she first met Batman, who showed her that what Cain was teaching her to do was wrong, that taking life was wrong. She rejected her father, even buring the money he'd been paid to assassinate then-commisioner Gordon, and soon adopted the role of Batgirl, and ever since has been nothing but a credit to the cowl. She still has problems with speech, and I expect everyone here will be very understanding about that, right?" His tones made it very clear that they'd better be understanding or else. Everyone nodded quickly.

"Good. Cassie, you know who I am obviously. This is Koriand'r , or Starfire. She's an alien princess from..."

Cassie interrupted, a teasing smile on her face "Know, Tim. Read all about her in your messages home. Feel like have known her for years."

Starfire brightened slightly., as her worries about Cassie's relationship to Robin vanished. The girl had seemed alarmingly familiar with Robn- Starfire was not proud to admit that she was more than a bit jealous of the girl. Cassie had hugged Robin, and called him Tim, and told him he was taking things too seriously. Whenever Starfired did any of those things, Robin became most vexed with herBut now it seemed as if she was less a girlfriend than a sister to Robin. " Ti- Robin has written of me?" Robin blushed and made shushing gestures to Cassie, who ignored them.

"Joking? Half his letters about beautiful, funny, sweet 'illegal alien' girl –his code for you- he work with. How brave Kori was, how she learn so fast, how she like her mustard... Batman say if Robin put half as much detail in reports, he be perfect partner."

The Titans had a good laugh at this, and at the expressions on Robin and Starfires faces. Robin just looked embarassed, while Starfire looked embarassed, happy and slightly proud.

"AHEM! Moving right along, this is Cyborg, born Victor Stone. The son of one of STAR labs top scientists, he was injured in a laboratory accident involving interdimensional technology. His father saved his life by replacing the damaged parts of his body with advanced machinery. He's got superstrength, enhanced durability, and an improbable amount of gadgetry built into his systems. He's our resident gearhead, as well as the Tower's medic." 

"Yo, Rob! You left out resident Stud-muffin" 

Robin smirked and slicked back his hair"Sorry Cyborg, I'm afraid thats my title. Next to him is Raven, who sometimes uses the alias Raven Roth. I can't really reveal her background, if she feels like telling you she will. Her powers are telekinesis, teleportation, psionic healing, and Empathy. Her powers are based on emotion and difficult to control, so she often seems unemotional. Don't go in her room, or bother her when she's meditating."

Raven, who had caught the glances the new girl was shooting to Beast Boy, nodded stiffly and made a note to speed up her plans to get a date from Beast Boy. It might be necessary t o stake her claim sooner than she expected.

"Finally, we have Beast Boy.." Robin was interrupted by the changeling standing up on the couch and bowing to an imaginary audience. "Sit down Beast Boy or I'll have Cyborg chain you to the couch again. Anyway, his real name is Garfield Mark Logan. His parents were scientists who treated him when he came down with a lethal disease called Sakutia. The treatment worked, but left his genome unstable, granting him the ability to change into any animal on the planet. We're not totally sure about the rest of his powers, but he can transform into a huge monster called the Beast when in dire circumstances, and has proven to heal more quickly than normal people. Don't go in his room either , for your own good this time, and don't offer him meat"

Beast Boy sprang out of his seat and strode forward, intending to shake the new girls hand. Instead, she reached up and stroked his ears. "Nice ears. Soft. Cute"

Immediately his body went rigid, his eyes taking on a glassy unfocused look. A low purr came from the back of his throat. Unnoticed by all (save Robin), the lampacross the room turned black and quietly cracked in two, as Raven surpressed her reaction to this display. The changeling jerked backwards and said (in a noticeably hoarse voice) "Whoa. Don't...don't do that again unless you're prepared to finish what you start. Uh, Robbie, we done? 'Cuz I suddenly need a shower. A long, cold shower."

Robin looked vaguely disturbed at this (and at the lamp) and nodded. "yes, but I need someone to show batgirl around the city. Since you're on patrol tomorrow anyway, I'd like to ask you to do it."

Beast Boy gave a wide grin, and in a joking tone said "Sure. Whatya say Cass? Up for a date?'

Cassie gave the changeling a confused look, then smiled "You asking me out?"

Beast Boy looked flustered (and from her position off to one side, Raven looked furious) but rallied. "Sure. I'm never one to turn down a date with a pretty girl. It's a date"

The young vigilante grinned "Good. Robin, where I sleep? Long plane ride. Tired. Want be ready for tomorrow."

'I'll bet you do' Raven thought, seething with anger. "If we're all done here I'm going to my room."

-+-+-+-+-+

when the door of her room closed behind her, Raven sat on her bed and sat on her bed deep in thought.

'Too late. Literally just a few minutes too late. I'd had it all planned out- after the introductory meeting I was going to ask him to speak to me in the hall. A few minutes of chat and then I ask him out to dinner. But now its ruined, thanks to little miss Spandex. Stroking his ears like that; why didn't the little slut just stick her hand down his pants?! Now its all over. Isn't it? They haven't even had one date yet, its hardly as if they 're going steady. And I was here first. That does it. Raven daughter of Trigon does not do surrender- victory or death, but no surrender!'

Before joining battle, she decided to center herself with a bit of meditation. An hour later, she stood and marched out of her room.

She headed for the common room, knowing that in a few minutes beast Boy's favorite show would be on. Since no one else in the tower could stand Space Trek 2022, she'd have privacy. Sure enough the room was deserted for the moment. However she could hear Beast Boy singing to himself as he made a snack.

"The terror of the galaxy, and that's why she's the girl for me! My baby is the destroyer...of...worlds..." his voice trailed off as he saw Raven sitting on the couch (without a book, mind you), blushing slightly.

'Oh he WOULD have to be singing that song wouldn't he? Its like the writer was thinking of me when he wrote it! Azar! Calm down, deep breaths, total denial if he asks.'

"Hi. Mind if I have a word with you?"

"ah, sure Rae. Something on your mind?" the changeling sounded nervous and a little confused. Thursday at 7 was BB time, always had been. Suddenly Raven shows up and wants to talk (never a good thing in his experience).

Raven took a deep breath. 'Here goes'. "Bea- Gar, you may have noticed I've been trying to be a little freer with my emotions ever since the…unpleasantness with Trigon…"

"Unpleasantness? Yeah, I guess that'd be one way to describe it."

"Quiet. Please. Uhm… Now that my powers are my own, I'm trying to explore my emotional side more. I discovered recently that I have a bit of a crush on you. I mean, you're cute, you're sweet, and you're kind. I'd like to see what can come of it. Would you like to go to a movie with me tomorrow night?" Almost as soon as she'd finished, she bit her lip.

Beast Boy stared at her for a moment then slowly he asked "Rae? Does this have something to do with that whole hostile vibe you were sending out when Cassie got me to ask her out? Oh don't look at me like that. I've been on the receiving end of your wrath often enough to be an expert on Angry Raven. And lemme tell ya she was in fine form back there- I half expected you to threaten to throw me out a window. So if this is some ploy to strike at her…"

"What?" Raven was shocked, and more than a little hurt "Azar! What do you think of me? No Gar I meant to ask you out tonight, but she did it a few minutes before I could. Ask Starfire if you like, she helped me figure out how to do it last night."

Beast Boy rubbed the back of his head "sorry, Rae, guess I kinda jumped to conclusions, huh? But seriously, I haven't had a girl since Terra, and suddenly two gorgeous girls ask me out within an hour of one another? Gotta admit I had reason for suspicion. Plus, you never really showed much interest in me..."

Raven looked at her hands. First the comment about abuse the other day, now this. "Garfield, you think I'm a horrible person, don't you? Yesterday you pretty much tell me I've been verbally abusing you, and now you think I'm askig you out just to hurt someone else. God, I've made such an…"

"WHOA!" Beast Boy interrupted, waving his hand in the air "Time out! Flag! Back up Rae! First, I don't think you're a horrible person. I KNOW you're a terrific, kind and caring girl. Yesterday you just asked your question in away that made me doubt that briefly. And today, well like I said, circumstances were suspicious. Can you honestly tell me otherwise? And thirdly, YES I'd be thrilled to go out with you. But no movies; kinda cliché. I vote a nice dinner and maybe a play instead."

"A play?" Raven raised an eyebrow "You? No offense, Beast Boy but you don't strike me as the theater type. Not a lot ofslapstick on the stage."

Beast Boy just smirked. 'There's an English version of Moliere's Farces in town. I think we'll go so you can whet your appetite for dinner by eating those words. Now, you wanna watch my show with me? Tell ya what, if you can pick out why I watch this show, you get to pick where we eat, AND we'll finish the evening at one of your poetry readings."

Raven smirked and settled in to watch. The show was positively formulaic; land on planet, conflict with natives, resolution, lesson learned. Here didn't seem to be anything special about it. Although for some reason her eye kept being dragged back to the alien science officer. He was small, green, and had huge purple eyes. But there was something about him…something familiar…

"Good Lord! That's YOU! That little alien is YOU!" she exclaimed when it finally registered. Her eyes were wide as she pointed first at the screen then at the smug shapeshifter "You were an actor?"

"Yup. My first and last acting gig. I played lieutenant Tork for twenty five glorious episodes, way back before I joined the Titans. But that's a whole other story, and right now I want to watch this. It brings back some great memories. If you're good, I'll tell you the whole story when we come back from the poetry reading."

Having won the bet, Raven excused herself from the room. On her way up to her room, she ran into Cassie.  
The asian girl seemed nervous. "Know you made date with Garfield. Sorry make date with him when not know if anyone else like him; but plan to keep date too. Know we rivals now. But want to say something. Read Batman's file on you; know your past. Admire you for overcoming fathers influence; we very alike. Maybe we rivals, but maybe can be friendly rivals?"  
Raven was dumbfounded. She'd been ready to hate Batgirl ever since she asked beast Boy out. But the more she thought about it the smaller she felt. The girl had no way of knowing that Raven liked the green boy too, she'd just done what Raven wanted to do. She was right, too, they did have a lot in common. They were both the children of monstrous fathers, and had dedicated their lives to stopping those fathers and others like them. Raven stuck her hand out, and the vigilante took it.  
"or maybe we can just be friends as well as rivals. Welcome to the team, Batgirl. And may the best woman win."

Cassie smiled. She hadn't had a chance to make many friends outside the Bat-family. She was glad Raven was willing to be friends.

-+-+-+-+

Cyborg was in his garage, considering what alterations to make to the T-car. Maybe juice up the fuel intake, or jazz up the suspension. Or he could make those adjustments to bring up the fuel efficiency- with gas prices what they were, he'd have to do it eventually…

He heard his best friends distinctive tread entering the room.

"Cy, got a minute?"

"Sure thing Soyboy. Whats up?"

"I got girl troubles."

Cyborg laughed. "How's that possible, man? She just asked you out this evening." He leaned under the hood to take a better look at the carburator.

"Right. Then a few minutes ago Raven asked me out"

CLANG!  
"DAH! Son of a… Raven asked you out? Man, you went from zero to too many in under two hours?! What kinda cologne you using?" 

Beast Boy laughed, feeling the tension ease. Leave it to Cyborg to help him feel better in any situation. This was why he'd come here- his buddy'd help him make sense of all this craziness. "Why? You jealous mister Bachelor?"

Cyborg gave his friend a small smile "nuh uh man. Being at the brotherhood of evil, being with Jinx, my only thought was 'is it because I look normal?' . Same deal with Sara Simms- I kept thinking about what a freak she must see me as. Showed me I ain't really ready to date yet, not until I'm comfortable with my new self. When I can accept myself for who I am, when I truly feel confident in myself again, then I'll hit the dating scene. When I do, just you watch as the ladies come a-callin'. I wasn't called the Metropolis Pimp for nothing!" Cyborg stuck out his chest, and placed his hands on his hips.

Beast Boy had a sudden image of his metal buddy walking around town in Pimp clothes, a sleazy girl on either arm and exploded in laughter. Cyborg did a slow burn at his friends mockery before continuing with the original conversation. "so, anyway, what's the problem man? You got two girls who want to date you, plenty of guys'd be thrilled."

"yeah but what kinda jerk dates two girls at the same time? And anyway, I'm just gonna end up hurting someone."

Cyborg shrugged. "Look, man. What if it was just one girl asking you out, right, only it turned out you didn't like her? You'd be in the same situation, worrying about hurting someone. Anyway, B, this really isn't that uncommon. You're still in the early stages of dating with both Cassie and Raven, where the idea is just to get to know them, see if there's a spark. Its not like they declared their undying love for you or something right? Lots of people date mutiple people at this stage of things, because things aren't serious yet. Like my granddad used to say 'when you're fishing for love, cast your net wide'. Just relax, Beast Boy, and you'll be fine."

Beast Boy realized Cy was right. He was making mountains out of molehills again. "Thanks, Cyborg, yer a wise old bucket of bolts. Need any help with the car?"

"Nah, go on Don Juan, get your rest for tomorrows orgy. Cassie and Raven together, ooooh!"

"Don't mock my dreams dude" With that parting remark, Beast Boy strode out of the garage, his mind at ease again.

Cyborg felt better, too. He'd been worried about Raven for a while now; he'd noticed she'd been extra quiet since August. She'd also been shooting Beast Boy some odd looks, when she thought no one would notice. Cyborg had thought the dark girl was mad at the green boy it wouldn't be the first time the two had a tiff and tried to keep it from the others. Cyborg was always pained when Raven and Beast Boy fought- more so than Star and Robin, he thought of the two as his siblings. Now, it seemed she'd been checking the boy out!

'heh. Looks like I'm the odd man out of the dating game. Eh, whatever. Not like I ain't got enough on my plate...' he thought, and turned his mind back to his work. Hey! Maybe he could improve the grip on the tires by altering the tread...

A/N

Ah romance. Next time, expect a good solid dose of Joker! I'm not so great at the romitic stuff...

Also, a bit of warning. I had a lot of guard duty this week, so I've pretty much got the thing planned out. Normally I'd let you strap in and enjoy the ride BUT in planning it out I noticed that its goinnd to get very dark very quickly. Think angry Joker with a very resilient subject. Yeah, THAT kind of dark. I have no trouble with horror and pain if they're used well, and I'll be doing my best to keep it professional, but if these things bother you, I advise you to move on. Otherwise, strap in and lets ride this crazy train to the end!

Consider yourselves warned.


	9. Chapter 9

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Beast Boy ambled out of the garage feeling a good deal better. Cy was right, he'd been blowing things out of proportion. The whole point of dating was to find the right person for you; it only made sense to see a number of people until you were sure about one. He wasn't going to become a player or anything, but he'd try his luck with both girls and see if anything came of it. Meanwhile, though, he should probably tell Robin. The Boy Wonder wasn't exactly big on people who kept secrets from the team, and the last thing Beast Boy wanted to do while the Joker was in town was put stress on the team's leader. Plus, he could rub in the fact that he, Beast Boy, had two dates while Robin and Star were still messing around...

-+-+-+ a little while later -+-+-+

"So let me see if I have this straight" Robin said, pinching the bridge of his nose between two fingers. He was sitting in front of the big computer in his room, preparing his report for Batman, and had nearly finished when the changeling came in to inform him/gloat about his new-found lovelife "Cassie asked you out in front of the whole team. Okay, I get that. She's kinda odd when it comes to guys, and you're just plain odd, so I can see it. But then, about an hour later, Raven comes into the common room and tells you she's got a crush on you and asks you out. So, from being single and desperate, you now have a date with two of the most desirable young heroines on this planet. Correct?"

"That is the case. And, I'd like to once again point out that you, Rob- while arguably the most popular of the male titans- are still dancing around with a certain alien princess."

"Duly noted. And marked in your file under 'revenge pending'. "Robin was silent for a moment then asked "Beast Boy, I want you to be honest about something: did you sell your soul to the devil?"

The green teen smirked "I've been saying it for years dude, chicks dig the pointy ears. Anyway, I thought I should let ya know, cuz I know you hate us keepin' stuff secret"

Robin's eyes widened, then he smiled. "Wow, Beast Boy, that's...surprisingly responsible and mature of you. Thanks."

Beast Boy rubbed the back of his head and smiled sheepishly "Yeah, well, that stuff you said at the meeting kinda hit home, y'know? About being careful? An' I figured, we're gonna have enough pressure on us pretty soon, no reason to add a secret love triangle to the mix. "

"Right. That kind of thing usually only happens in poorly written stories. No one who took this job seriously would let something like that weaken their team, espescially not in a dangerous situation. "

"Of course not. Well, I'm gonna go get some sleep. With two dates and the days patrol, I'm gonna need my strength."

Robin smiled. He knew Beast Boy would show both girls a good time, and that both girls needed it. Cassie was still learning how to interact with people, while Raven was just now learning the basics of dealing with emotions, following the defeat of Trigon.

'Still doesn't mean I'm any less jealous of little guy' he thought with a wry smirk, before resuming work on his report, with an update on Batgirl's social progress.

-+-+-+-+-+ Meanwhile, beneath Stately Wayne Manor (c) -+-+-+-+

Batman sat at the Batcomputer, updating his own files. He'd captured the Mad Hatter when the schizophrenic midget had decided to use the dining room of the Gotham Plaza Hotel as the location for a teaparty. His 'Alice' (Alice Pendylton, age 11) had been returned to her parents before anything...untoward had happened, and Hatter was now recuperating in the medical wing of Arkham Asylum. A chirping sound (installed by Nightwing, no doubt) indicated an incoming message from Robin.

He read through the report, noting the Joker's apparent lack of activity with a grimace. Normally, if Joker wasn't doing anything it meant one of two things. One, he was working himself up to something big, something he felt was worth the lost mayhem time. Two, he WAS doing something, you just didn't know about it He made a note to remind his former protege about this in his reply. He continued on to the news about Cassie's upcoming date and grunted.  
It wasn't totally unexpected, of course. He'd known that eventually the young woman would meet a young man, as young women had been doing since the dawn of time. He was pleased that her first date was with a hero. A civilian would have been bad, secret identites being a major issue not to mention the lack of common ground. A villain...Batman wasn't a hypocrite, he knew what a mess Catwoman had made of him when they first met, and on many occasions thereafter. He was glad Cassie, as well as all his other 'sons and daughters' had avoided making his mistake. 'If it was a mistake' he thought, recalling the many encounters on rooftops and in vaults. Certainly, his...adventures with Catwoman had been a pleasant break from duels with Joker or Ra's Al Ghul.

He tapped out a brief message to Robin, stating his approval with their progress so far, and reminding him of that bit of advice regarding the Joker. That done, he removed his cowl and went up to bed for the first time in days.

-+-+-+-+-+-+

Joker was pleased indeed with how things were progressing. Soon, he'd be ready to make his debut performance. He'd eliminated virtually all his compertition, leaving only the Masked Pervert and the Sneakthief. And in a matter of hours, he'd be able to scratch another name of the ol' list.

Harley burst into the room, skipping across the floor to her beloved. In her arms was a small metal briefcase "I got the Xenofi- the Zenothu- the stuff ya wanted Mista J!" He swung the package out of her arms, so fast the clown girl overbalanced and fell face-first on the floor.  
"Good job Harl! We're almost ready then to take down anohter pint-sized poser!" Joker cried. He looked at his moll sprawled out on the floor "Snap to, Harley-girl! We've got a trap to bait! No time for lying down on the job! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!"He began twirling around, holding his prize in the air. So wrapped up in his victory dance was he that he barely noticed when he smashed into Harley, who'd been getting up, sending her to the floor again.

Harley raised her head, slightly wobbly from the impact, to say "Right-a-Roony Mista J!" before collapsing back to the floor, unconscious.

Joker raised one eyebrow "Well...maybe five more minutes wouldn't hurt."

-+-+-+-+-+

Red X silently entered the warehouse via the skylight. He knew he shouldn't be attempting a job like this right now, but his supply of Xenothium was running low. Without the rare element powering his suit, X knew he'd be easy meat for whatever monster was picking off the cream of Jump City's underworld like they were nothing. He didn't know who was doing it, he didn't know why the Titans weren't stopping them. All he knew was, he wasn't going to be next on the hit parade. No, he'd grab his Xenothium, and hole up until this whole mess blew over. No heroics for him, thanks, he'd leave that to Chuckles and his band of losers. X had amassed a tidy sum of money, and intended to spend it on wine, women, and song in the south of France. The perfect Christmas present to himself.

The warehouse was a typical one; a large space stacked with crates and containers of various sizes and materials. It was 1:00 in the morning, so the lighting was minimal, a few overhead lights throwing just enough illumination for the security cameras light-enhancing lenses to be able to function. Most people would have found it a bit creepy, espescially with a mad villain-killer on the loose. But to Red X, this was a setting as familiar as the layout of his hideout. He'd done jobs like this dozens of times, and it was no longer a real challenge anymore. So perhaps he wasn't quite as observant as he might have been.

The Xenothium was inside a safe in the main office of the warehouse. It was child's play to pick the door locks and disable the security system. The safe was an old steel model with a combination lock, which made the master thief shake his head. Who used those things anymore? Honestly. He'd leave a note in the safe about the innovations in security since the nineteen fifties- right after he got his Xenothium. He slid up to the safe and set to work, listening intently as he clicked the dial this way and that. After about two minutes the lock clicked home, and he swung open the safe. He registered a red blur... just before being hit by a huge spring-loaded boxing glove. It smashed into his midsection, driving the air from his lungs and wrecking his teleporter- along with what felt like a rib. Red X fell to his knees and tried desperately to get his wind back. Obviously a trap, set specifically for him, which made it even more imperative that he get out of here. This was made all the more clear by the harsh, inhuman laughter echoing throughout the warehouse. It grated on his nerves, and actually sounded more like screaming then genuine mirth.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! What'd I tell you, Harley? The old sucker-punch gag gets 'em everytime! It's a killer! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!"

"Right as always, Puddin'. Wanna go finish 'im off?" came the sweet, heavily accented reply.

X wasn't about to stick around to meet Harley and Puddin' (whoever they were, though the voices were familiar...). He somersaulted out of the room and raced along the catwalk, his mind working desperately.

'Came in through the skylight, so they'll expect me to go out the same way. Warehouse security designed to keep people out- no thought given to preventing exits. Shouldn't be too hard to get out through front door..'

With that in mind, he leapt off the catwalk, doing a perfect mid air flip, to shake off any would-be snipers. He landed perfectly, sinking into a crouch to lessen the impact of his drop, then springing up and making an all-out dash for the door. His lungs were screaming, and his muscles felt like they were on fire. He hadn't been able to fully recover his breath from that 'sucker punch' gag, and right now his body was suffering from a severe lack of oxygen. Nevertheless, he kept running, because he had a feeling that if he stayed here, he'd suffer a severe lack of life.

He almost didn't feel the dart as it sank into his upper thigh. He yanked it out, but kept moving even as he brought it to his eyes to inspect it. A small dart, of the type they normally use to tranquilise wild animals...there was a (snicker)... a smiley face on the (heheh)...on the side...

X felt something bubbling inside him, and suddenly he didn't have air enough to run. His mouth began to turn up beneath his mask, and he sank to his knees as he... as he..

"MmhmmhmmhmmhehehehehahahahhahaHAHAHAHAHAAHAH! AAAHAHAHAHAHA!!" This was horrible, his abused lungs burned as he laughed and laughed and laughed. He had no control over his body's reactions, and his whole being thrummed with pain. 'This must be what Hell is like' he thought, before losing even that much control. "HAHAHAHAHOHOHOHOHO!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!" A sudden pressure in his chest, a shooting pain in his arm, and the world went dark.

Joker casually blew across the barrel of his rifle. Another happy recepient of Joker Venom, another punk kid wiped out. He'd mutilated or mangled the other bodies, so the cops wouldn't be able to definitively say who did it. His source (a corrupt lieutenant who was financing his new car with Joker's money) told him that the police commissioner had been reluctant to call in the Tot Titans for some reason, claiming that there was no need to call them in for some ordinary killer. Thus, the killings had been a police matter, kept quiet so as not to affect the investigation, and that had suited Joker's needs until now. Now, though, he was almost ready to make his debut, and he wanted to remind the city that they had greatness among them. No better advance billing for him then a smiling cadaver!

"HAHAHAHAHAHAAA! C'mon Harl! Let's get some ice cream and head back to the hideout! Daddy suddenly feels like celebrating!"

Harley squeaked and cartwheeled out the door.The Joker followed, cackling to himself.


	10. Chapter 10

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Robin got the call at approximately 2AM. He was shocked, but in another way he felt relief- that special kind of relief that is felt when a calamity, long dreaded, finally occurs. The other shoe has dropped, and you can get on with things. Joker had finally killed in Jump City. He didn't have a lot of details, but the Commissioner had been quite clear about that much. An anonymous tipster ( 'Most likely the Joker himself' Robin thought) had alerted police headquarters that a body was waiting for them at Tilden Chemicals warehouse. The investigating officer had confirmed it, as well as finding what the Commissioner called "undeniable evidence of the Joker's involvement". Robin had noted the way the man had said that phrase, because he'd noticed strong emotion tinging it. Regret? Fear? Anger? He supposed he'd find out later.

Robin had decided not to take the others with him. The Joker's first victim was likely to be a gruesome sight, and shocked people not only missed clues but could be a distraction to him. Plus, he wanted to shield his friends for as long as he could. The only other Titan he knew for sure had first-hand experience of a murder scene was Beast Boy- and he had more than enough to do tomorrow. Leaving aside the romance, Robin would have to increase tomorrows patrol schedule. He didn't like doing it to his friend, but duty came first. Pausing only long enough to chug a can of cola, Robin raced off into the night on the R-cycle.

A short while later, Robin stood over the body of his rival (and one-time alias) Red X. He wasn't sure exactly what he should feel in this situation. On the one hand, X was a heartless thief, who took whatever he wanted with absolutely no thought to those who his crimes might hurt. He'd thoroughly humiliated Robin and his friends several times, and caused them a good deal of physical pain as well. But on the other hand...it wasn't really something Robin could put into words. There had just always been this feeling that in looking at Red X, Robin was looking at a Funhouse mirror; a distorted image of himself. As though the thief was an example of what Robin might have been if his life had gone differently. They shared a common build, and were the same height, but it went beyond that. Each was driven to be the very best at what they did, each had carved a name for themselves in the Super-community despite a lack of powers, and each was at bottom a loner. Most of all, they both lived their lives behind masks, not allowing themselves to get too close to anyone. So, in a strange way, Robin felt as though he were looking down at his own corpse.

He reached down to the skull mask, removed by the police but which now lay draped across the face of the young burglar. Pulling it off, he was somewhat surprised at the lack of resemblence to him. X was a red-headed young man with bright green eyes, freckles, and a deep scar that cut diagonally across his somewhat bent nose. He also had a very large, very familiar death-rictus. Robin grimaced; he might have hated X, but that was no way to die. Drool had caked slightly around the lips, tinged green- not uncommon in the victims of Joker Venom.

The Boy Wonder stood up and addressed the Commissioner, a tall man with light brown hair and patrician features. "Joker Venom. Well, I knew he'd strike sooner or later. I just wonder why he targeted Red X. I mean, normally Joker prefers civilians. I can't help but wonder why he's breaking form now. Plus, why'd he wait so long? Joker kills. Its what he does, what he always does. Why the wait this time?"

The Commissioner fidgeted slightly, clearly uncomfortable with what Robin just said. "Robin..we... we think this may not be the first killing since the studio. We...suspect that Joker was responsible for at least two other deaths. Killer Moth and what we think was Control Freak."

Robin spun around, his eyes wide. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but shock and fury rendered him speechless. Finally he found his voice, and roared "YOU KEPT TWO KILLINGS FROM US?! FROM ME?! YOU THOUGHT, WHAT, THAT YOU COULD HANDLE THE JOKER ALONE?! THAT IF WE DIDN'T ACT HE'D GET BORED AND GO AWAY ON HIS OWN?!" The older man was clearly frightened by the sheer rage emanating from the teenaged hero, but when he opened his mouth to speak Robin cut him off "SAVE IT!!! I'M GOING STRAIGHT TO THE PRESS WITH NEWS OF THIS MONUMENTAL ACT OF STUPIDITY, AND BY THE TIME THEY'RE DONE YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF YOU CAN GET A JOB AS A SECURITY GUARD! WHY IN GODS NAME WOULD YOU EVEN TRY TO KEEP SOMETHING LIKE THIS FROM US, YOU OVERPAID PENCILPUSHER!!!"

Finally, the Commissioner yelled back "BECAUSE YOU'RE SIXTEEN!"

Robin stopped dead. He'd expected any number of replies. 'Its not your jurisdiction', 'we weren't sure', 'I don't work with vigilantes'... he hadn't expected that one, though. The official took Robin's silence as an oppurtunity to continue. Emotion gripped his voice.

"I have a daughter about your age. Her name is Beatrice, sweetest and most innocent thing you ever saw. I wanted to call you in, I really did. But everytime I reached for the damn phone, I thought of her, and of how I'd do anything in the world to keep her from sights like these. And I asked myself whether I had the right to make children deal with crimes this brutal, to send them after monsters like the Joker. I know in Gotham they don't seem to have a problem with it, but dammit I do. So I told myself we weren't sure, that there was doubt, that this was a normal killer and nothing to bother you with. I knew even then they were weak excuses, and what I should do. But I won't apologize for doing all I could to keep children, even superpowered ones, away from a murder scene. You can ruin my career if you want, but I won't."

Robin finally calmed down and saw what the man meant. It was a point Batman, Commissioner Gordon, and Alfred had often agonized over: on the one hand they were crime fighters, but on the other it was natural to want to protect the innocent from such horrific scenes. He couldn't even fault him too much; he'd made the exact same decision himself a little while ago. He breathed out heavily.

"Fine. Whats done is done. I won't report this to the press, but I want you to keep this in mind. If you'd told us about the previous deaths we could have examined them ourselves. No offense to your forensics department, but I'm probably the most qualified person in the city to understand Joker's twisted mind- and if need be I could have consulted Batman. Whatever progress he's made, whatever lives he's taken, you bear a part of the resposibility for it. Remember that, and remember what the Titans have done, and call us next time"  
The Commissioner bowed his head, as Robin bent to examine the body.

-+-+-+-+-+

Three hours and a half hours. Three hours and a half of rigorous study, first at the crime scene, then analyzing samples back at Titans Tower, and Robin had come up with exactly nothing. No toxins on the costume or body, save from a few drops of Joker Venom on the upper thigh (presumably where the toxin was administered). No fingerprints. No playing cards, notes, jokes, or any other sort of unusual object that might be a clue to Joker's plans. No distinctive chemiclas, fibers, powders, or anything else that might reveal where the killer clown was making his lair. No evidence of why Red X had been targeted. No nothing.

Robin gave a large yawn, and idly considered going back to bed. He hadn't had more than a few hours slumber altogether- but on the other hand, he was scheduled to start his morning workout in an hour. Unlike the other Titans, Robin had to work and work hard to maintain his abilities, and so he stuck religiously to his schedule. He sighed. 'I guess I can take a nap later on in the day...'

He made his way down to the kitchen, to prepare a big breakfast (and a large pot of black coffee). He was about to enter when he heard someone moving about. As far as he knew, none of the team were awake at this hour. With the quick judgement born of sleep deprivation he came to the conclusion that it must be an intruder. He leapt into the room, and launched a flying kick at the figure- who, without looking round, waved a hand and encased him in a black aura and began slamming him repeatedly into the floor.

"If you're quite done being stupid" Raven droned, sipping her tea "I'll let you up."

" wham! Oof! I'm! wham! Ouch! Done! Wham! Yeow! Stop!" Robin said, between impacts. Immediately, the aura dissipated, leaving him in a heap on the floor. Slowly he rose to his feet and moved to the coffeemaker to prepare the insomniacs brew of life "What are you doing up?"  
"My emotions are giving me...problems" Raven said, not looking at Robin. "They're very excited about tonights...events...and kept waking me up. Happy was particularly annoying"

"Yeah, Raven" Robin really wished he didn't have to bring this up but he had responsibilities, both as team leader and as a friend "You know, from what Beastboy told me yesterday- Oh don't look like that, he told me so no 'secret love triangles' got in the way of stopping Joker! Anyway, from what he told me you weren't acting quite yourself. Are you sure you're OK?"

Raven took a deep breath and rubbed her forehead. "Robin, I am going to say this once and once only. I am a teenaged girl experiencing her first crush while in the full rush of her hormones. I am also a half-demon, with instincts and feelings alien to normal humans. I am also a disciple of the monks of Azarath, trained from childhood to repress all emotions- a training I have only been freed from very recently. Fianlly, I am the product of a rape, which naturally leaves me with certain issues regarding intimacy and physical love. So as you can guess, my emotional state is not always the most predictable thing and my behavior may seem somewhat unusual. However I am feeling as well as can be expected given all that. What are you doing up?"

Robin swallowed and wisely accepted Raven's change of subject. "Technically, I was never 'down'. I was out all night investigating a murder" There was a crash as Raven's mug hit the floor.

Raven had her eyes closed. "So. Joker's finally started."

The boy wonder snorted as he poured the newly made black brew into his own mug. "Apparently he was started some time ago, but the commissioner felt we needed to be protected from such horrible sights. So far he's gotten Killer Moth and what was very probably Control Freak and those are just the ones we know about. Tonight, it was Red X killed by Joker Venom. I examined the scene, studied the body, and took some samples back for analysis. Nothing. "  
Raven sighed. It wasn't pleasant to think of that maniac out there, killing people without the Titans even knowing about it.

Robin nodded "And I've got more bad news. Todays patrols are going to be more extensive then normal which means..."

Raven sighed "that Beastboy might well come back too tired for our date. Fantastic. The universe must truly hate me. Don't worry Robin, I understand. Now, I'm going to go meditate, to make sure my emotions understand. Otherwise, I might have a riot on my hands. Or in my head. Whatever."

"heh. I get to go tell Beastboy that not only does he have to do two extra patrols, he has to do one of them in half an hour. I'm SURE to have a riot on my hands"

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Beastboy took the news about as well as could be expected. Initially, he threw what could only be described as a tantrum, but once the reason for his extra work was made clear, he accepted it albeit grudgingly. He trudged down to the kitchen to make breakfast, even forgoing the usual meat-tofu battle. He grumbled as he prepared his tofu eggs, cereal and juice, and took it into the common room to eat; he needed to check the weather before his first (hideously early) patrol, and the weather channel was easier than the paper. He found Raven meditating on thecouch. He sat down beside her to eat his meal. It was funny, really, how much calmer and more peaceful he always felt when she was around- at least when they were getting along.

He heard movement and noticed the newest member of the team quietly making her way down to the kitchen. He was amused to note that Batgirl was as much an early riser as Robin, but she wore it much better. He wondered if Batman had some kind of 'early bird' training...early BIRD...

'oh man that's such a great joke...' He turned his head to the grey skinned empath"Hey, Rae, here's a joke..."

Raven opened one eye. "Beastboy, I'm currently in the middle of convincing my emotions not to do anything drastic to ensure you keep our date tonight. Rude wants to glue you to me, Brave suggests threatening you with bodily harm, and I'll just let you guess what Rage has in mind. So ask yourself, is this really a time you want to be distracting me?"

"...never mind."

"Tell joke, Beastboy" Cassie said, sitting down with a palte of buttered toast "Tim say I have to learn to appreciate humor"

"Well then" Raven said closing her eyes again "You might want to start elsewhere, or at least some other time. Beastboy can be funny, but only when he's not telling jokes."  
Beastboy wasn't sure if he'd been complimented or insulted or what, so he decided to ignore the comment. "Why does Robin get up so early? Because the early bird gets the worm! Ha ha!" He smiled hugely and looked at the two girls. Raven looked mildly disgusted, while Cassie just looked puzzled.

"Tim not want worms. Gets up early for training. Me too, Batman say morning training most effective. Body and mind rested, ready for work. And how bird involved?"

Beastboy was a bit nonplussed by this response. He was used to people not laughing at his jokes, he was used to Starfire misunderstanding his jokes. But it seemed like Cassie had failed to grasp that it was a joke. An awkward silence reigned in the room.

"Uh, well, I gotta get going on patrol. Lotta ground to cover, y'know. Cass, we'll meet at the main entrance at 10, OK? And we'll start your grand tour of Jump city. Wear your civvies! And Re, don't forget, tonight at eight!" With that the green boy leapt out th enearby window, changing into a bird as he went. The two girls were left in a far more awkward silence then before.


	11. Chapter 11

**r?**

Soaring high over Jump City, Beastboy asked himself again how he'd gotten himself into this mess. Two dates with two girls, a day of extra long patrol, and a homicidal maniac loose on the streets of the city. No question about it, he had angered the gods- and badly. 'Ah well' he thought, looking on the bright side as he usually tried to do 'at least both the girls are hot, it's a beautiful day and Joker's apparently decided to keep quiet for a while. Probably too good to last, but no sense ruining the moment with worry'.

Patrol consisted of 5 (in this case 7) sweeps of the city, of which four were meant to be casual look-throughs (esssentially just moving through a series of checkpoints and making sure nothing bad was happening) and one in-depth sweep (a long slow journey through one or more areas, searching for wrongdoers). This was a system that Batman had created for his team, and that Robin had tried to introduce to the Titans. The trouble was, all of the BatTeam worked at night, and Batman's authority was a good deal more absolute than Robin's. The Titans were more diverse, and Robin neither possessed nor desired the total control Batman had.

Thus, when he'd brought in the idea of patrol, Robin had had to allow for the different styles his teammates favored, and take into account their preferred times. Cyborg was a morning person- he'd just finished recharging and all his systems were running at max. Starfire and Beast Boy were at their best around noon- the alien girl would have all morning to charge herself using the sun, and the green teen would be allowed a quick nap before the big patrol. Raven was most effective at twighlight, when lower visibility made her less consipuous, and Robin of course OWNED the night in Jump. Robin had set up the schedule so that each Titan did the long patrol at their optimal time.

Nor were the differences between patrols limited to schedule. Sending Beastboy to patrol the industrial area was counterproductive; the thick smog and stench overwhelmed the changelings powerful nose- rendering his advanced sense of smell ineffective for days at a time. By the same token, Starfire was of little use in the so-called 'ethnic neighborhoods' where people had enough trouble trusting humans from outside their communities- they tended to close up almost totally to an extraterrestrial. Thus, each Titan followed a radically different schedule and patrol strategy than the others.

Today, Beastboy was assigned to his usual sweep, with an added instruction to focus particularly on the various 'humor-related' areas of Jump City, a task that had made him smile for an hour after hearing it. He was to check out every joke shop, costume shop, novelty store, comedy club, Klown Burger, Circus Burger, Birthday Store, Party Shoppe and fireworks warehouse in Jump City. Robin had espescially stressed the need to check on the Clown World Amusement Park- "If ever there was a perfect lair for the Joker its there" as he'd told Beastboy- but carefully. The green boy was under strict orders to report any and all disturbances before acting.

But at the moment, it seemed all their care was for nothing. Halfway through his first patrol, and Jump City was almost eerily quiet, the streets completely deserted. By 7am, things were little different Merchants were just opening up their businesses, as early commuters hurried to work. Beastboy landed near a newspaper stand and picked up a copy of the Jump City Journal. After flipping through the main story ("Joker Strikes!") and checking the comics (and muttering curses about Jim Davis ruining his name) he checked the weather. Jump City, as well as most of Southern California, was generally safe from the worst that winter had to offer, but he didn't want his dates ruined by thunderstorms or sleet or what have you. He was pleased to see the weather report which predicted blue skies and a warm night.

He slowly checked out the amusement park. It wasn't technically abandoned, but mid-december was hardly peak season even in California. No trace of the Joker, indeed there was no sign anyone at all had been there in months.

He finished his initial sweep and headed back to the tower around 8am. He had two hours before meeting Cassie for the mid-day patrol/date, and he needed to get ready. His plan was a simple one comprised of four simple steps.

Step one, Shower and grooming, was fairly simple to accomplish. He was even the first one to take a shower, so he had all the hot water he wanted and no one pounding on the door telling him to (a) hurry up (b) make sure the place was clean after he was done or (c) stop singing so loudly. He took his time, letting the scalding water cascade down his body. He loved showers, they reminded him of the waterfalls in Africa.

There'd been no running water in most of the villages his parents studies led them to, so for young Gargfield bath time meant lathering up in a pool, or under a waterfall. His mother would sit by the water, making sure her little boy didn't get in trouble, often while singing an african folk song she'd picked up somewhere. Baths with his father were more active, as the scientist often joined his son in the water. This of course led to splashing, games, and general horseplay.

Sometimes, in the shower, he could swear he heard his mother singing softly or his father calling him. It was a bittersweet pleasure, reminding him of the happy times he'd ahd with his parents but also hammering home their absence. He sighed, turned off the water, and began to towel off.

- - - - - - - 

Phase two was more difficult, on a number of levels. Step two was "acquire Holographic Disguise Ring from Cyborg by any means necessary".   
"Man, I don't know about this. Seriously, why do you need this thing? Both girls like ya for who you are. Cassie seems to REALLY like your ears for some reason, and Raven's known you for so long I doubt she'd recognize you without the green." Cyborg had created teh rings to allow him to infiltrate the HIVE, but disliked them intensely. He didn't like his friends trying to hide who they were. 

"Yeah Cy I know" Beastboy really didn't want to be having this conversation, espescially not with Cyborg. "The truth is, man, some people still look at me like I'm a freak. When we're all together its not so much of a problem- guys like that are usually cowards- but when I'm alone things can get kinda nasty. I don't really care but I'd rather not have it happen when I'm on a date y'know? People throwing stuff at you kinda kills the mood."

Cyborg looked both furious and hurt. He was furious that his friend, who'd done so much for the people of the city, was still being harassed by some of the citizens for the way he looked. As for the hurt...Beastboy hadn't wanted to share this with his friend for one reason. Cy was still trying to come to terms with himself, to see himself as something other than a freak. He didn't need to know just now that many people would never see him as anything else. Still, better he find out from his friends then learn the hard way. After a moment of internal struggle (in which his desire to comfort his green buddy warred with his desire to punch as much of the citizenry of Jump City as was required), Cyborg handed over the ring. Beastboy slipped it one and went to look in a mirror. He saw a blonde, tan boy with blue eyes and a trace of freckles staring back at him. He sighed, slightly "So that's what I'd look like if I were normal. Y'wanna know something weird Cy? I look just like my dad did at my age"

Cyborg shifted his gazeuncomfortably. He didn't like to see his friends run themselves down like this. Normally he'd have tried to change the mood with a little friendly ribbing- something along the lines of "well in that case, how the heck did he ever get your mom to marry him?"- but sensed this wasn't the time. Instead he just said "I'm sure he's proud of ya B. Go on, show miss Gotham a good time."  
- - - -  
Step Three, mapping, took the majority of his remaining time. First, he plotted out his date with Cassie. He couldn't just pick the fun places in the city- he was on Patrol after all- so he had to find a way to combine the two tasks. He marked out a few spots which, while priority crime targets, would nevertheless make for good date areas. They wouldn't be sitting down much, so it would be a walking date through the city center, the financial district, and finishing up with the waterfront around two pm. Lunch would be had at a great vegan place he knew, and which was incidentally right across from Sir YuksWorths Toys and Novelties.

Next, he started work on his date with Raven. Since this one would be taking place between patrols, and was a more conventional date, it was a bit simpler. First, he reserved tickets for the play "Les Farces Du Moliere" after confirming that it was, in fact in English. Beastboy actually did know a bit of French (his parents had worked briefly in the Ivory Coast, and he'd had a few Doom Patrol missions in Vietnam) but not a whole lot. Raven would be the one picking the Restraunt so all that remained was to make one final surprise arrangement. It took a bit of doing but he was sure she'd enjoy it.

- - - - - - - 

That only left step Four, wardrobe. For most guys, this is the hardest part of the predate ritual, since most males lack any real 'fashion sense'. Fortunately, his experience as an actor had brought him in contact with many professional costumers, and Beastboy had been able to pick up a few of the basics. He threw together a stylish-but-casual outfit for the day, and a slightly formal suit for the evening. He put on the day suit, slipped on his holoring, and headed down to the main entrance.

Cassie was waiting for him. The asian girl wore a light leather jacket over a black T-shirt (with, he was amused to note, a Batman insignia on the chest- not that he was looking there of course...) and a pair of slightly worn blue jeans. It was a fairly ordinary outfit, which made him a little curious as to why she seemed so uncomfortable in it. She constantly fidgeted with the zipper on the jacket, and shifted from one leg to the other. She froze as he approached, and didn't seem to recognize him for a moment then she blurted out "Garfield! What happened? Where your ea...er...why you not green?" She blushed, embarassed by what seh'd almost asked.

The disguised changeling laughed "Its just a hologram, Cassie. Figured the date'd go easier if I were a bit less consipcuous, y'know? Why? Do you only like me for my ears?" He put on a faux-sad face, and morphed his eyes to a larger size, giving him exaggerated puppy-dog eyes.

Cassie laughed, and the tension seemed to drain from her. The two linked arms and stepped out to begin their day.

A/N  
If you've never seen Les Farces Du Moliere, do so. Who knew a french playwright could be so funny? The bit about male wardrobe problems is based purely on my own experience and that of my friends. The bit about racists and other wastes of skin is also true- they generally avoid crowds. And if that doesn't work, Jarec recommends the ancient and mystic Way of the Suckerpunch. Very satisfying.


	12. Chapter 12

**r?**

The date went well enough, with the two young heroes taking a walking tour of Jump. As they walked, Beastboy pointed out sites of historic interest, professional importance (high crime areas, good places to get out of the rain without breaking cover, and so forth) and personal landmarks. "That right there is where Cyborg gave Robin his first wedgie. I still have pictures!" "Over there is where Starfire first sampled mustard- She still has pictures" "On this spot, two years ago, Robin accidentally undid his utility belt during a fight and totally pantsed himself". Cassie was enjoying this very much- it was so different from the "Familiarization Routines" Batman had developed, which focused solely on those aspects of the environment that related to the mission. She smirked. 'Maybe that because Batman not trying to romance me'. She shared this train of thought with Beastboy who started laughing.

"Oh man, can you imagine it? Batman shows up for patrol, right, all dark and broody like usual. Only he suddenly reaches into that utility belt of his and whips out like a dozen roses and a box of chocolates! Then he says" here the not-so-green boy affected a deep tone he imagined to be similar to Batmans " 'Come on sweetheart, its time to implement the Love Protocol! If you're good I'll show you the Batpole' Heheeheheheheheheh!"  
Cassie mentally pictured this, and laughed until tears were running down her face. She sat down on a bench and put her head in her hands, laughter rocking her small frame. Beastboy joined her, laughing almost as hard. Their laughter tapered off, and finally was interrupted by a loud rumbling from Cassie's stomach. She didn't seem at all embarassed and simply said "Time for lunch". Beastboy began the walk towards the restraunt, impressed by the girl's nonchalance. Most girl's seemed embarased by that sort of thing.

'So far so good' he reflected

- - - - - - - 

Meanwhile, back at the Tower, Cyborg was busy teaching Starfire the fine art of Cooking. Starfire had come to him that morning saying she wanted to master Terran cooking, but that cookbooks hadn't been much help. They assumed that she knew certain terms and concepts which she did not: what size cup should she use- and how should she know when it was exactly half-full? How much was a pinch? What was the difference between white and brown sugar? Starfire wasn't stupid by any means, but these were not questions she could answer. She so badly wanted to be able to cook, she said, and so far had been a total failure.

"And I'm sure the fact that Robin loves my Barbecue almost as much as me has nothing to do with it, right Star?" the metal man had joked. Starfire had blushed (a purplish tinge staining her cheeks) and mumbled something about knowledge for its own sake. Cyborg had laughed, but not maliciously, and agreed to teach his friend. It was rare that he got to spend some quality time with the naive alien, and he always enjoyed it.

Today they were focusing on the art of grilling steak. They'd marinated the meat to start with, using a recipe ol' grandpa Stone had taught young Victor- after Starfire had solemnly sworn to never reveal its mysteries to anyone. Cyborg had carefully explained every step of the process to his pupil, answering all questions, and stressing that the recipe was to be used as it was or not at all- there could be no substitutions when making the Stone Family Marinade. Next, they'd tenderized the steaks, a process which Starfire did just a BIT too enthusiastically resulting in a pile of meat paste where a fine flank steak had once been. After repeating the whole process, Starfire learned that superstrength- while extremely useful elsewhere- had no place in the kitchen.

While Cyborg prepared the oven, Starfire made a salad. As they worked, Starfire extracted a promise of future cooking lessons from her friend.

Soon, the smell of cooking meat wafted through the Tower, drawing Raven and Robin out of their room. Cyborg decided to let Starfire have her moment, and ducked out of sight while the alien beauty served the food, reappearing behind Raven through unknown means. At first, the Bird pair were somewhat nervous to see Starfire making lunch- the memory of last month's Glork was still all too fresh (Robin could still taste it sometimes). However, the scent proved too attractive, and they began eating, tentatively at first and then with greater enthusiasm as their tastebuds cried out in joy. The meat was juicy, tender, flavorful- perfect.

Once he'd finished eating, Robin looked at Starfire as though he was trying to figure something out. "Starfire, when did you learn to cook like this?"

"Did you like it, Robin?" Starfire asked shyly. She knew what Robin had said about their relationship needing to stay professional but she couldn't help but hope he might change his mind. Cyborg, who shared this view, decided to intervene before Star's honesty damaged her cause. Robin respected self-taught lessons a great deal and would be impressed if he thought the orange girl had improved on her own.

"Ah ah ah Rob. Y'know the ladies have to keep some secrets from us guys. Probably she just got a new cookbook, right?" The alien girl nodded.

Robin accepted this, and left the room. Starfire noticed the stiff way he moved, and followed him down the hall. She caught up to him just outside his room.

"Robin? You seem unhappy. Did you not enjoy the meal?" Her eyes grew large, and filled with tears. Robin tried desperately to keep the orange Titan from cying.

"No! I mean yes! I mean, the meal was great Star. I'm just...worried. In all of his history, the Joker has never gone this long without pulling something big. A few killings aren't enough, not for this amount of time. He's up to something and up to something big and with him that means that, unless we stop him, a lot of people are going to die."

Starfire nodded but said "Surely you are familiar with this situation by now? Is this not what we often face with Slade? Does he not also menace the innocent? And was notTrigon also a menace to the world?"

Robin answered sadly, shaking his head at his own feelings of helplessness. He leaned his head against the wall, as Starfire put a hand on his back, and he let otu what had been bothering him since this wholed mess began. "This is different Starfire. With Slade there generally isn't as much uncertainty. We know he will strike, and we know he will either target us or something he feels will help him against us. He'll use exactly as much force as he feels he needs to, no more and no less. His motives and plans are logical, if evil. Trigon was fulfilling a 'prophecy' which meant we knew exactly what he was going to do before hand, even if he was powerful. The Joker is completely insane and utterly without compassion. There is no way to predict what he's going to do until he does it. He takes life for the fun of it, and the more dead the better. Not even Batman can keep him from killing, and I...I'm scared Star." Robin would never ever confess this to anyone else, but somehow it felt right to confess it to his best friend."I'm scared that we won't be fast enough or good enough and because of that people will die.I'm scared that I'll make a mistake and one of us will die. I'm scared of letting down Batman, of proving I'm not good enough. The Joker scares me in ways Slade and Trigon never could."

Starfire felt like crying, at once sad and joyful. Sad that Robin carried such a burden on his shoulders, yet joyful that he felt he could share his worries with her. But right now, her best friend needed comfort. "Robin, these fears are natural. The fear of failure, of not being good enough, of letting down those we have sworn to defend.We have all faced them at one time or another, and we have triumphed over them. You must not allow them to better you. Simply remember that you are not alone, and that I...that we are always here for you."

Robin had caught Starfire's little slip, and blushed slightly. He knew how the alien girl felt, and he felt the same way. But he couldn't allow anything to come of it. Nevertheless, her words were a help at a time like this. It helped to remember that this wasn't the first time he and his team had faced a monster like this. It put things in perspective. Yes, the Joker was the worst challenge the Titans had had, but he could be beaten."Thanks, Star. You always know just what to say."

- - - - 

Lunch had been a pleasant experience for Beastboy and Batgirl. While she had never had vegetarian food before, Cassie proved much more adventurous on the matter than most of the Titans. She had ordered a tofu burger and fries, while Beastboy picked the house specialty, an all-vegetable chili . The two spent lunch making pleasant small talk about nothing very much. At one point the discussion got heated, an argument over which was the better football team the Gotham Knights or the Jump City Titans (formally the Juggernauts) but for the most part they kept things light.

Once the meal was paid for (at a significant discount- not because the owner knew he was serving the Teen Titans but because 'Garfield' was a frequent customer), the pair continued their walk. They dropped into a nearby music store, to see what was in. Cassie had had her musical tastes formed by Bruce Wayne and Alfred Pennyworth- which is to say an elite millionaire and a sixty year old Englishman. Unsurprisingly, she hadn't been exposed to much music from the last thirty years. Beastboy took it upon himself to remedy this by letting her pick some artists who interested her, and then burning her a cd when they got back to the Tower. Cassie flipped through the various styles, asking questions when she saw something that she didn't recognize. Beastboy, however, was somewhat ditracted by a strange looking man who seemed to be angrily whispering to his girlfriend.

He was a tall man, easily over six foot three, and almost unnaturally thin. His skin was tanned, yet somehow still managed to look unhealthy, and his black hair look oddly greasy. But the oddest thing was the mans mouth- it seemed to be a little too big for his face. Beastboy wanted to get a closer look, but resisted the urge. 'After all', he reasoned, 'I don't like it when people gawk at my skin, this dude probably hates it when they stare at his face'

- - - - - 

"How DARE they! How DARE THEY!" Joker was absolutely furious. He had felt trapped in his hideout, and Harley'd been getting restless. So he'd applied his makeup and hair dye (or as he sometimes called it his "Sheep's Clothing") and some normal clothes. They'd headed out to buy a bit of music- some nice Mancini or a calliope albuum. Anything to relieve the doldrums of waiting in that damned house. But instead of a pleasant shopping spree, the Joker found himself insulted by this...ATROCITY he now held in his hands.

"Shhh! Puddin! Ya said ta tell you if you were gettin' too out of character! Remember we're normal everyday sheep! An' that means no yellin' in the store" Harley hissed. She was frightened by the idea of shushing the Joker, but even more frightened of what would happen if they got caught because she didn't do what he told her to do.

"But that was before I knew about this!" Joker hissed back "Hell, if I'd known about this, we'b be making plans to kill them right now!"

"Well, puddin' it's not like they're a new band..." Harley said, without thinking. The Joker glared and dropped the CD.

Joker grabbed her arm and pulled her close. Anyone observing the pair would only see a man drawing his sweetheart close to whisper something in her ear. What Harley heard was him hissing "You KNEW and didn't TELL ME?!! Oh, just you wait til later li'l missy..." and she gulped. Joker headed for the exit, fuming. Harley followed after, but not before glaring at the CD her man had tossed to the floor.

'Stupid Insane Clown Posse. Because of you, Puddin's mad' at me.

- - - - - - 

Once Cassie had selected a number of different artists, they left the store and had a race to the end of the block. Once Beastboy finished his victory dance, they moved on to the financial district, which Cassie couldn't help but note was nothing like the size of Gotham's Wall Street. Beastboy got a little offended, and pointed out that Jump City had put more money into beautifying the area than Gotham had. He espescially drew her attention to the large number of ornamental fountains in the main plaza. he was so busy gesturing around that he over balanced and fell into one of said fountains, much to his dates amusement. Beastboy spat out water and Cssie commented on the 'Handsome statues' the fountains had.

They finished the date with a walk by the water front around two in the afternoon. The sunlight caused the water to shimmer perfectly and the teenagers decided to sit and enjoy the view for a little while. Beastboy decided to gamble a bit; he put an arm around Cassie's shoulder. The young vigilante stiffened briefly, and the boy wondered if he'd made a mistake, until she leaned back into his arm with a small but happy sigh. They sat like that for a little while, enjoying the moment. Finally, Cassie broke the silence.

"Thank you for date, Garfield. Enjoyed very much. Was perfect." And she leaned over and kissed the changeling on the cheek, causing him to blush visibly for the first time in many many years. he stammered for a moment before smiling and rubbing the back of his head. Cassie giggled, and Beastboy found his voice.

"Believe me, Cassie, it was entirely my pleasure. I had a terrific time."

They sat for a moment more, then got up and began to make their way back to the Tower.

Authors notes:  
I included the cooking lesson scene because I notice there are no fics which focus on the friendship between Cyborg and Starfire. In fact, they rarely even speak to one another in most stories. Also, I think the whole 'Star cant cook' thing is a bit overused- thought I'd try something different.

The Joker scene came to me at around 2am, when I wondered how the Clown Prince of Crime would react to a group calling itself Insane Clown Posse. My guess is, he'd be angry that anyone dared take his schtick.

I want to see if I can crack 30 reviews. I'll still update no matter what- but it'd be nice.


	13. Chapter 13

**r?!**

When they got back to the Tower's main hall, Beastboy and Cassie seperated, heading for their closest friends to discuss the days events. This was on Cassie's insistence, she and Raven had discussed matters that morning and established some ground rules for their friendship. Number one was, no references to dates with Beastboy nor signs of smae were to be made or displayed in front of one another until they had a clear decision from him. Raven had suggested this, to prevent feelings of jealousy from becoming a problem on Cassie's part, and to prevent the Emotion of Jealousy from becoming too strong in her own mind.

Beastboy intended to go see Cyborg, but decided to stop at the kitchen to get a drink. He figured his pal would be in the garage, working on additiions to his 'baby' while making happy man-grunts to himself, and would be willing to lend an ear to the changelings story. Imagine his surprise to find his metallic buddy standing before the oven, wearing a novelty apron no less ('DeFrag the Chef's hardrive), instructing Starfire in the finer points of braising spare ribs.

"Now, remember Star, ya gotta make sure the meat is coated properly. Otherwise, you'll wind up with some parts cooked more than otehrs, and nobody wants that."  
Starfire nodded, her face a picture of concentration and interest. "I shall make note of this friend Cyborg. I wish for all my meals to be as well received as todays lunch was."

"YOU MONSTER!" Beastboy roared, pointing an accusing finger at Cyborg, who leapt back from the Changeling's fierce expression. "How DARE you corrupt poor, innocent Starfire to your vile cannibalism! Step away from the Unclean One, Star, listen to him not! His words are honey-barbecued LIES, meant to tempt the unwary from the true path of vegetarianism! Don't let him poison your mind wiith his nasty meats of...of...EVIL!!". A strange, fanatical light burned in Beastboy's eyes as he pulled the somewhat frightened alien girl away from the thoroughly creeped out metal man.

"Dang, B, relax. Star ASKED me to teach her how to cook. I ain't corrupting her, I'm helping her! Besides, Rob likes meat dishes."

This seemed to calm the green boy down a bit, and he actually smirked. "Ah. Plan 12?". Once, long ago, the two boys had devised a number of plans (37 to be precise) to bring Starfire and Robin together. Plan Twelve was codenamed RD- Romantic Dinner- and ivolved a candlelit meal with romantic music 'spontaneously' turning up on the roof, just in time for the pair to enjoy one anothers company beneath a full moon.

Cyborg cocked his head "Actually, I hadn't thought of that, but a good idea is a good idea." he glanced at Starfire, who seemed curious about 'Plan Twelve'. "Er, we'll talk later."

Starfire noticed her friends had calmed somewhat. "Please, friend Beastboy, why did you feel the need for the shouting? Was I wrong to wish to learn to cook?"

Beastboy shook his head "Nah, Star. I just kinda overreacted to the whole zoological genocide thing, y'know? But I think its only fair I show you the Light Side of the Kitchen, the way of tofu. So you can make the right choice. OK?" Starfire smiled and nodded. Another set of recipes, another teacher. She had the best friends in all the galaxy. "Please friends, I will go and help Friend Raven prepare for her date". Smiling widely, the Tamaranian princess floated out of the room.

That settled, Beastboy ambled over to the fridege nad pulled out a can of Zesti. "Anyway, Cy, I just finished my date with Casie."

"Yeah?" Cyborg's defeat was forgotten as he eagerly awaited news of his friends romance. "How'd it go?" He wasn't exactly sure what he hoped to hear- on the one hand he hoped his buddy had had a good time, but on the other, he didn't want Raven to get hurt. Cassie was a nice girl, but she wasn't really one of the family yet and Raven was his sister. But he wouldn't interfere- this wasn't about him it was about Beastboy, and who he wanted to be with. Still, he would admit to rooting for Raven, if only a little.

"It was great Cy! We had so much fun, I can't believe it! " Beastboy launched into a lengthy description of the days events, making it clear that he'd enjoyed his time with the newest Titan immensely. Cyborg was stunned to hear that someone had eaten a tofu burger voluntarily- and enjoyed it! It shook his entire worldview- or at least made him question Batgirl's sanity. "So, whats next on the schedule, Romeo? Up for a little zombie killing?"

Beastboy was tempted- those zombies DID need killing... "Nah man. Much as I'd like to slay the undead menace with you, I really need some sleep. I've still got a couple sweeps of the city to make, plus my evening with Raven." The green boy headed towards his room, and dreamland. Cyborg chuckled. He was a little disappointed that his gaming would be solo for the foreseeable future, but happy that his friend was happy.

- - - - 

Cassie had gone directly to Robin's room upon returning to Titans Tower. She wasn't yet close to any of the other Titans save Beastboy- who, while clearly wonderful, was hardly the right person to talk about her date with. For one thing, he probably already knew about it. Besides, she and Tim had often discussed his dates with Stephanie, and now seemed like a good time for him to return the favor.  
She swept into the room, more lively and happy than the Boy Wonder had ever seen her. He had the feeling that, were she a normal girl Cassandra Cain -BATGIRL- would be skipping and humming and giggling. As it was, her body language was much less defensive than normal, and she smiled as she entered the room. He smiled; Cassie was such a great person- he liked seeing her happy. Robin pushed his work (a chemical analysis of the latest sample of Joker Venom and its antidote) and looked up at his old friend. "I take it the date went well?"

"Yes. Very! Garfield wonderful! Make me feel very special! First, we toured city. Learned where best patrol, where best to wait, and saw where you pants self in middle of battle" Robin's eyes narrowed, and he grumbled something about a terrible revenge on Beastboy "Next we have lunch. I tried tofu burger. Not bad, but not very filling." Here Robin smirked. Cassie's appetite was legendary among the caped population of Gotham City. She had been known to eat more than he and Batman combined- making her one of Alfred's favorite people in all the world. "We took a walk around rest of city, did full patrol. Go to music store, where Garfield help me find more music. Much better than what Bruce and Alfred give me. He call it Trance, I think. Saw weird couple in store pretend not notice. Garfield take me to waterfront, and we watch sun on water. I..." the young girl blushed a bit "...I give him kiss."

"A kiss, eh?" Robin said, a hint of teasing in his voice "I see. Well, I'll tell Alfred to get the manor ready for the wedding and tell Bruce he'll have to give away the- OW!"

Cassie, having just kicked the boy wonder clear out of his chair, frowned angrily. "Not funny."

- - - - 

"Starfire, I told you before. No. Pink. I will not wear pink clothes, makeup, hair coloring or nail polish, nor will I consider any perfume or shampoo from a pink container."  
Raven had faced down many challenges in her life, but few foes had proved as implacable, as determined or as single-minded as Starfire in Make-Over Mode.

"Please, friend Raven, do you not wish to look nice for you evening with friend Beastboy? And you did say you wished my help in the changing of your look." Starfire said.

Raven rolled her eyes. She had really really hoped she wouldn't have to stoop to playing this card... "What do you mean Starfire? D-Don't you think I look nice as it is?" She forced tears into her eyes, casuing them to shimmer. To anyone else, it would be a ludicrous display of blatant over-acting; to Starfire it was plain her friend was badly hurt by her words. Raven felt awful using her firends guilt like that but it was a small price to pay to avoid going out in public with anything pink on her person

"Oh dearest friend Raven, I am so very sorry! I did not mean to imply you were unattractive! I am certain that Beastboy will be in awe of you this evening! Please, do not be angry!"  
"(Sigh) It's okay Starfire. Now, I need some help. I chose a nice restraunt but I need help picking the right gown..."

A/N

I want to take a moment to give thanks to a very very VERY faithful reader, liljimmyurine. I don't normally approve of authors taking time out to address individual readers, but I think you'll agree that in this case, an exception can- nay, MUST be made.

Folks, this gentleman (i'm assuming- its the net after all) has been with me more or less since I started here at He's reviewed virtually everything I've written, and has always had a kind word for me, even on stories that may not have been my best work. More, it's been good praise not some generic 'good job' or illiterate ramblings such as 'u rok! keep gowin!' (shudder). In fact, since much of my work is in the less -popular areas of the site, he has occassionally been my ONLY reviewer. Thanks, jimmy. I hope this story has entertained you so far, and I hope you keep on reading. Kudos to you sir, and Kudos again.

Short chapter, I know. But I'll do better next time.


	14. Chapter 14

**r?!**

Beastboy's nap ended at 6pm exactly, when the two alarms he'd set four hours previously went off together. He couldn't afford to oversleep, not tonight. He made two sweeps of the city, leaving him the midnight and 3am patrols to finish off his responsiblities for the day. That meant he had two hours to prepare for his date with Raven, four hours to enjoy himself with the grey girl, and about 0 hours of sleep.

Eh, I can always guilt Rob into letting me nap through training tomorrow. Not like I haven't earned it with the extra Patrol

His pre-date game plan was the same as before. Shower, Holoring, mapping, wardrobe. He decided to take his time in the shower, and mentally go overt he evening. He had an unfortunate and dangerous habit of running his mouth off whenever the two tried to have a 'moment'- he shuddered to think what might happen on this date if he wasn't careful. Leaving aside the dangers of humiliation and physical pain that a half-demon sorceress might be capable of, Beastboy had to think of Raven. SHe had a crush on him- her first since the Bastard Crap Eating Worm Who Must Not Be Named, and everyone knew how well that one turned out. If he screwed up this date-by accidentally insulting her, or getting into an argument with her- it might do her some real damage.

So, he needed to do some thinking and he found he did his best thinking in the shower. He didn't know if it was the solitude, the steam, the water or the nudity (he suspected the nudity), but for some reason the shower made him feel like his brain worked better. As he let the warm water caress his body, he ran through various topics that Raven was likely to bring up and mentally went through what to say and what NOT to say.  
''Hmmm... Past relationships. Don't bring up Lizard Boy or Terra. In fact, avoid whole subject. The Job: Avoid mentioning the whole End of The World thing, or the Joker. Focus on losers like Doctor Light or Control Freak...maybe not Control Freak. Other relationships, Robin and Starfire good, Cyborg and Jinx bad, Joker and Harley... interesting, good for a bit of fun if done right. Bring it up if possible'

After about thirty five minutes, someone banged on the door. Robin's voice called out "Beastboy! Get out of there! Other people need to use the shower!" So much for quiet contemplation.

Phase 2 was much easier this time around. Cyborg didn't even say a word, just handed over a fully charged ring. But Beastboy wasn't as clueless as he seemed; he could tell his metallic friend was even more hurt then the last time. Probably because Beastboy felt the need to conceal himself while he was with Raven, who knew him well. "I'm gonna have to have a talk with Cy. I mean, he's gotta be told what its like out there. Up 'til now he kinda hid away from the public, so someone's gotta explain things to him. Make sure he gets The Rules'

Phase Three, Mapping, was a bit tougher. Raven had sent word (via Cyborg) that she'd chosen Giacomo's, an upscale Italian restraunt. The surprise he'd chosen required open spaces and privacy, so he'd had to arrange a route that took them from the playhouse to the restraunt by way of the park. 'Let's see...twenty minutes travel time, allow ten to fifteen minutes for surprise...yeah, we should just make the ten o'clock reservation.'

Raven had told him that the place they were going to was only semi-formal, so he was able to use his selection from that morning. He had decided on a light gray suit, white shirt and a purple tie. He'd picked up a carnation boutonnier, feeling the splash of color would look good. He'd shined his shoes and double checked that everything was clean and fitted properly. He was glad he had a chance to dress up a bit; Raven had only ever sen him in his uniform (and a swimsuit that one time they went to the beach- 'heh she got a reeeaalll good look at me that time. She was SO staring') and probably thought he had no taste at all.

Finally, he was ready, with about fifteen minutes to spare. He walked into the common room to wait. Cyborg and Robin were there, playing a videogame. Both looked up as the changeling entered the room, and their eyes widened.  
"Whoa, Beastboy" Robin said with a smile "Looking sharp. Way to go!"

"Yeah, nice threads man" Cyborg said, giving his friend a thumbs up "Who knew someone whose uniform in purple could clean up so good. That suit even looks good with the green!"

Beastboy smacked himself in the head "Dang! Thanks for reminding me, Cy." He slipped the holo-ring on and immediately became 'normal'. Cyborg sighed, resigned to his friend's need to hide himself but far from happy about it. Beastboy was green but essentially still human, and people gave him a hard time when he went out undisguised. What did that say about his chances?

Starfire flew into the room, floating higher than normal due to her extremely joyous mood "Oh! Friend Beastboy you look most elegant! I am so very pleased that you chose the formal attire." Furious whispering could be heard from just outside the doorway "Oh, yes. Ahem. Presenting...RAVEN!"

Raven swept into the room, and the world went away as far as Beastboy was concerned. She wore an elegant black gown, which was slit up the side up to her thigh, showing a pleasant view of her toned leg. She had on just the lightest touch of makeup, which somehow enhanced her natural features without covering anything. Her grey skin contrasted perfectly with the silver necklace she wore. She'd also swept her hair up into a small bun. On another girl it would have looked frumpy, but on Raven it was somehow more elegant and attractive. All in all she looked...

"Beautiful" he said aloud, his voice dreamy. Raven blushed, which combined with her coloring, looked odd indeed. Her eyes swept over her date, clearly approving of what she saw. Suddenly, her gaze turned critical.

"Give me your right hand." Her voice brooked no argument. When Beastboy placed his right hand in hers, she deftly plucked the holo-ring from his finger and threw it over one shoulder. Surveying her now green date, she nodded her head briskly. Without letting go of his hand, she turned to the others "We'll be back around midnight. Do not wait up."

With that they walked out the door.

- - - - - - -

The play was absolutely nothing like Raven had expected. She was familiar, of course, with Earth theater, being an avid Shakespeare fan. She was familiar with Azarathian theater, which tended towards minimalism and a focus on philosophy. None of which prepared her for the insanity of Les Farces Du Moliere. She stared wideeyed at the slapstick antics of the characters, while her date roared with laughter (along with everyone else in the theater). When it was over, Beastboy wiped his eys and led her out of the theater.

"See, Rae? What'd I tell ya? Slapstick on stage!"

Raven blushed slightly. 'He remembered my exact words from yesterday? Why can't his memory be this good when it comes to his chores?' "Okay, Beastboy you were right. So that's Beastboy one, Raven one thousand two hundred and three. Yay. Now, lets get some dinner."

"Hey, Rae, let's go through the park. Its a nice night out and there's no hurry."

As they walked through the park, Beastboy explained how he knew about the play. His fostermother- Rita Farr aka Elasti-Girl- had once been an actress and had often taken her 'son' to plays. She'd wanted to instill in him the same love for the stage that she had, but young Garfield found most theater boring. Eventually, she'd started taking him to farces which seemed to do the trick- the green boy found the wild comedies to be like cartoons brought to life. It had turned into one of ther favorite bonding activities. They'd even convinced Mento to come along once or twice; though the stodgy man would never admit it, he'd enjoyed himself.

Raven listened, amazed. There had actually been times when the Doom Patrol had been a real family to Garfield.

Suddenly, something on Beastboy chimed loudly. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a large, old-fashioned pocket watch. "Ah. We're right on schedule". Raven was puzzled. Espescially when Beastboy drew her close, and she heard music. She looked around and saw a small group of musicians seated under a nearby gazebo. They nodded to Beastboy and began to play a slow waltz.

Beastboy gave her a smile "Would m'lady care to dance? And before you say no, remember that we're all alone so no one will see and that I paid a fortune for this". Raven blushed, pleased to think someone went to all this trouble just to show her a good time. In her entire life, no one had ever done that- In Azarath, she'd been tolerated. During her time on Earth before the Titans, she'd been ignored. Most of her closest friends wouldn't even think of this. She nodded, and they began to dance beneath the moon and the stars. Raven took in the moment; everything seemed perfect. She savored it for a while before asking the question that she needed answered.

"So, Beastboy where did you learn to dance? Rita again?"

"Nope. Negative man. Larry thought I had the grace to be the next Fred Astair!"

"And yet he seemed so intelligent..."

"Hey! Are you saying I'm clumsy?"

"Beastboy, I've seen you literally trip over your own feet"

Beastboy sighed, acknowledging the hit. They danced on in silence for a few minutes. Then "Rae, we gotta go. Dinner reservations are for 10, remember?"

"...(sigh) Okay, let's go."

Beastboy ran over to the musicians "Thanks guys", and the pair headed off to dinner.

- - - - - - -  
Dinner was a pleasant affair. Giacomo's proved to have a large non-meat menu, and Beastboy selected the Pasta Primavera while Raven had the spaghetti al dente. They made idle chat, with Beastboy watching his mouth. Raven found that, once he put some effort into impulse control, the changeling was very pleasant company. He even managed to introduce the whole 'Joker and Harley' topic. That alone provided for twenty minutes of talk, as well as associated humor. While Raven never actually laughed, she did smile a little, and Beastboy had the feeling she was working harder than normal to surpress laughter.

"...and the guy'd be all like "I'm sorry miss but I can't sell you cream pies if THAT's what you're gonna do with them! It'd violate Impure Use of Baked Goods clause of the Baker's Oath' Ha haa! Ah. So, enjoyin' yourself Rae?"

"Yes. I am"

"Well, how could ya not? I mean look who you're with; a smart, funny, incredibly handsome, brave, charming guy!"

"Gee. All that and modesty too." Raven droned, rolling her eyes. Inwardly she smiled. She knew this was just Beastboy playing around.

"You know it."

- - - - -

Finally the night came to an end. It seemed way too soon for both teens, but they knew it couldn't last forever. They flew back to the Tower, not too quickly. But at last they landed on the roof. Beastboy rubbed his head, wondering what he should do. Strangely it was Raven who broke the silence.

"I had a great time Garfield. Thank you." The grey girl then leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, before phasing through the roof.

Beastboy stood in shock before raising a hand to his cheek. "Dude."

A/N\

Joker next time, I promise.


	15. Chapter 15

**r?!**

Slade-Bot 1071a (Guard) stood at its designated post. To all appearances, it was merely a somewhat elderly secutrity guard in a blue uniform, standing guard over a dilapidated old warehouse. Anyone venturing to speak to "him" would find the old guard affable enough to talk to, and able to converse on a variety of subjects. It was also programmed to deny entry to would-be tourists, and to alert its more combative brothers should force be required. Slade had paid Professor Chang well to simulate intelligence in his robots, both when they fought and when they were in hiding. The machines programming was extensive yet flexible, allowing it to deal with civilians and threats alike.  
This was especially important at this site, for this was no ordinary warehouse. Rather, the decaying building conealed the most sophisticated factory in all of Jump City. This was where Slade-Bots were manufactured, where Slade's power began. Thus, Slade-Bot 1071a (Guard) was espescially well-programmed, equipped to analyze and process any conceivable situation that might arise.

However, the programming made no provisions for the plans of the criminally insane.

So, when a tiny car pulled up in front of the factory and disgorged twelve brightly clad humans (its database identified them as 'clowns'), Slade-Bot 1071a (Guard) was at a loss. Its programming contained no instructions for such an event. When the clowns began sommersaulting, cartwheeling and tumbling through the gates, it resorted to Option 11- confront lead individual with Dialogue Option 2. Walking up to the female (clad in red and black) who had exited the car first it said:

"I'm right sorry folks, but this here is private property. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, or I'll have to call the police. Nothin' personal y'understand, just doin' my job" Slade-Bot 1071a (Guard)'s programming instructed it to wait for some sort of response. If the subject responded verbally, it had a host of replies and answers to use. If the subject responded physically, it was to stall and alert its brothers. It was not prepared for the subject to give it a kiss, squirt it with water from a seltzer bottle, and spin away.

The clowns entered the factory, their behavior as chaotic as ever. Brightly colored humans capered and cavorted around the machinery. The many Slade-Bots guarding the facility watched on, paralyzed by what could only be termed "lack of direction". Nothing in their programming covered this, or anything like this, and so the machines were unable to act. Meanwhile the clowns antics continued for a good twenty minutes, before they abrutly stopped. The female bowed deeply, and the clowns exited. Piling into the tiny car, they drove off.

5 minutes later the facility was gutted by a series of large explosions, as the bombs the 'clowns' had dropped went off. Amid the chaos, Slade-Bot 1071a (Guard) was terminated by shrapnel.

- - - - - - 

All around Jump-City, similar attacks struck many of Slade's strongholds. Weapons depots, cash stores, Robot reserves, all were visited and annihilated by troupes of clowns. Slade watched the viewscreens, as the empire he had built up right under the Titans noses burned. Outwardly he was calm, cool, and collected. Inwardly he was raging.

How had this happened? Who was doing this? Was this the Joker's work, or was someone else taking advantage of the situation to move in on his pet project? Slade wasn't used to this feeling of helplessness. He had always been in control; first in the army, then in his years as an assassin, and finally during his current role of criminal mastermind. Now he was watching everything he'd created go up in flames and there was nothing he could do.

"Someone will pay for this." He accessed the Slade-Bot's central command and began adding to their programming. Whoever had done this would receive a very big surprise the next time they tried this.

- - - - 

In his hideout, the Joker roared with laughter, thrilled that everything was going so well. He thought back to how he had agonized over how to defeat Slade. No matter how many thugs he recruited, Slade would always have more and better troops. Then came the great realization- Slade's troops were robots. All robots operated on their programming- a set of inflexible rules which directed their every action. Like Slade himself, the machines were driven by logic and planning. Unfortunately, such things didn't fare well when confronted with pure Chaos.

And Chaos (along with Murder, Mayhem, and Madness) was the Joker's specialty.

It had simply been a matter of instructing his minions to behave in ways so bizarre, so surreal, that the machines programming would have no response. It had been great fun devising a number of routines to use. Slade would prepare new instructions for his little machines, but that would only narrow the field a little. The Joker was nothig if not inventive, and an inventive madman can always beat a logic-driven machine. Moreover, he'd crippled his enemy's robot production- meaning that Slade wouldn't be able to replace his losses in the coming war. So, as far as the Joker was concerned, he had the advantage.

The fiercest war in the history of Jump City's underworld had just begun with a bang and a giggle.

A/N

I know its short, but I'm just outlining the strategies that will be used in this war. Don't look for a lot of detail, though. A gang war between Slade and the Joker would be a fic all its own.


	16. Chapter 16

**r?!**

Two weeks passed.

For the Titans as a team, they were two weeks of intense training, and constant vigilance. Each member spent a minimum of five hours a day training, plus an hour a day of lectures from either Robin or Beastboy. Robin instructed them in the Joker, analyzing his various plots and crimes, as well as honing their observational skills. Beastboy lectured on Emergency procedures, how to deal with various hazardous items (bombs, poison gas, and so forth). The rest of the time, the Titans did their best to remain calm, pursuing their favorite activities, but the waiting was getting to all of them. Where was the Joker? Why hadn't there been more bodies? What was he up to?

Robin spent the first four days trying to track down the Joker. He spent all the time he wasn't training scouring the city- in particular the old Clown World Amusement Park. He'd searched the place top to bottom every single day for four days, before finally having a small breakdown in the common room. The team found him on his knees, surrounded by photographs of Joker and regular clowns, screaming "IT'S CLOWN WORLD DAMN YOU! CLOWN WORLD! YOU HAVE TO BE THERE SOMEWHERE! WHY AREN'T YOU THERE? WHY!?!?!!" before breaking down sobbing. More than a little freaked out by their leaders behavior the team took it upon themselves to see to it that Robin relaxed. Cassie asked Tim to help her learn to read (something the BatTeam had tried to get her to learn for some time now), Starfire asked for him to watch television with her, and Cyborg told him flatly if he wanted a new R-Cycle he'd have to help build it. As a result, Robin calmed down considerably, and although finding the Harlequin of Hate remained his top priority, no one feared a relapse into his obsessive mode.

Meanwhile, the team was vastly amused by what they had rapidly named the Battle For the Beast. Cassie and Raven were going all attempting to gain Beastboy's heart. The boy couldn't be alone for five minutes without Raven or Cassie asking him to do something with them. No one knew how the green boy was able to afford all the dates he was going on, some of which (like taking Raven to the opera) were quite costly. At first, Beastboy had enjoyed himself immensely. He was the center of attention, and he had two gorgeous girls competing for him. What guy wouldn't get a bit of an ego boost from that? Then reality kicked in, and he realized that he couldn't keep stringing the two girls along. He'd have to choose pretty soon, and that meant that he would have to hurt one of them- a thought that made him feel sick. Plus, the girls constant attention was actually starting to frazzle him a little- they 'insisted' on joining Starfire and having him teach them to cook. Now he knew how Raven felt when he wouldn't leave him alone.

Raven was having trouble dealing with the situation. First, the Battle for the Beast was proving to be harder than she'd expected. She'd known the boy for years after all, and he'd always had a bit of a crush on her. But Cassie was proving to be stiff competition- and Beastboy seemed to like her a great deal. Raven supposed she could understand that- after all, Cassie didn't have trouble expressing her feelings, and Cassie didn't have grey skin and purple hair. Still, she would see the thing out- she'd never been with anyone who made her feel so accepted and happy. Even Malchior had only praised her magic and her demon side- Beastboy seemed to like the whole package!. But her problems were greater than that. The whole city was in the grip of fear. The Joker had the citizenry terrified of him and he hadn't committed any major crimes yet. As an empath, raven could feel the fear that suddenly pervaded the city- it was an unpleasant change. Normally, Jump City resonated with hope and optimism. Now, only the taint of fear and dread could be felt. She wondered if this was what Gotham felt like all the time, and resolved never to go there. Moreover, she was having less and less time to meditate, as dating and training ate into her schedule. Finally, there was the danger the Joker himself represented. Trigon had been terrible, and the Brain had been the toughest opponent they had ever known, but never had they faced a villain quite like this. The Joker had no goal, other than death and havoc. It chilled her to think that such a being lurked nearby, waiting to destroy her and her friends.

Cyborg was probably coping the best of all the Titans- he knew how to keep himself busy. When he wasn't training or learning, he was upgrading the Tower's systems, or the team's various weaponry and vehicles. Watching the Battle for the Beast was always good for a laugh, and of course he'd promised to continue teaching Starfire how to cook He had a new team mate to get to know, and new games to try. He was still feeling the stress, however- no hero can see their city beset by the Joker without feeling something. He worried for the innocents the Joker might kill for fun, and he worried for his friends- but he knew that worrying wouldn't help, so he kept himself busy.

Starfire kept up with her cooking lessons, both from Beastboy and from Cyborg, and consequently had become a far better cook. She used her spare time to practice meat dishes with Cyborg and vegetarian cuisine with Beastboy. She also spent time with Raven, trying to keep her friend's spirits up as the competition for Beastboy began to heat up. At first she had tried to keep the new Titan at a distance, both for Raven and because the memory of Not-Friend Terra's most hurtful betrayal was still fresh. But Raven seemed to enjoy Cassie's company, and Robin trusted her; so Starfire decided that perhaps she should put aside the hurtful past. She found Friend Cassie to be a most wonderful person, and one who shared her puzzlement of human ways. She wondered if, perhaps, Friend Cassie was also an alien. It would certainly explain the ease with which she kicked the butt of Robin (and indeed anyone else who was paired with her) during training- she would have to investigate this. Finally, she had volunteered to spend much time with Robin- a duty she cherished. All in all, she was as happy as ever.

Cassie used the time to settle into the Tower, knowing all too well that this peace was unlikely to last for long. Bruce-sensei had taught her to maximize her down-time, resting her body and preparing her mind. Barbara and Dick had taught her to use the time for fun, to ease the spirit. The body and mind were easy, while the spirit... well, the dates with Beastboy were a good start. She'd never met a boy that made her feel this way- so free and normal. But the other Titans were good friends too, and she was enjoying herself immensely.But she knew as well as Tim did that Joker was never quiet for long, and that his silences never meant anything good.

Meanwhile, she attempted to make friends with the other Titans. Raven proved to be her first friend, as the two worked hard not to let the Battle for the Beast interfere with things between them- they weren't children fighting over a toy after all. They actually had a lot in common and often meditated together. Starfire had been cold to her at the beginning but soon warmed up, and the two often discussed the more puzzling aspects of society. Cyborg was like Dick- an older brother she could talk to about anything. She was settling in nicely but there was still something off. If she had known the phrase, she would have called the whole situation the calm before the storm.

- - - - -

For Slade they were two weeks of humiliation and loss. No matter what he did, no matter what brilliant strategy he adopted, the Joker's mad plans defeated him at every turn. He couldn't predict what the crazed clown would do next. For example, he'd set an elaborate trail of clues that would lead his rival to an abandoned warehouse, which was filled with Slade-Bots all programmed to obliterate anything that walked through the door. Robin would have fallen for it, as would any other rational opponent. The Joker had blown up the building from the outside- fortunately, the press was easily convinced it was a gas leak. Slade had corrupted the city's Mayor years ago, and was about to have him declare a state of emergency against the Joker- who promptly kidnapped the mans children and only released them once the mayor resigned 'for reasons of health'.

The problem, Slade thought, wasn't that the Joker was chaotic. There was usually a method to his madness for those who chose to study him, and even a chaos individual could be contained. The problem was that he had no sense of limits or of modulated strength. Take the warehouse plan- Joker hadn't even known that the place was a trap, he'd only known that there was a chance that something in there might be important to Slade. So he'd wiped the entire warehouse off the face of the earth. Anyone else would have been a little more discreet, would have tried to target only the object in question But Joker was a sociopath- to him there was no difference between slapping someones face and murdering them.

Slade also found he was losing control of Jump City's streets. Gangs now openly paid allegiance to the Clown Prince of Crime, wearing his colors and painting their faces. His various other cash sources were also drying up- merchants paid their protection to the Joker, and Joker now had the backing of the organized crime factions of the city. Slade was hemorrhaging money and losing Slade-Bots every day, and could do little to recoup his losses. Surrender seemed to be the only option.

He turned his mind to that idea. What were the likely consequences of surrender? The immediate outcome was that the Joker would turn his attention to the Titans, which in turn had three possible endings. One, the Titans defeat the Joker. His empire collapses, leaving Slade free to pick up the pieces, and rebuild stronger than ever before. Two, the Joker defeats the Titans, and Batman comes to avenge his protege. Either Batman defeats the Joker, carting him off to Arkham, or Joker beats Batman leading to out come three. Three, the Joker, having defeated all comers, reigns as king of Jump City. However, the clown was never known for his long attention span, and promptly becomes bored. He returns to Gotham, once again leaving Jump City wide open for Slade. Surrender, it seemed, was in Slade's long-term best interests.

Having examined all the options with cold logic upon which he prided himself, Slade made the obvious choice.

- - - -

The Joker stared up at the view screen in amusement. "Let me see if I have this straight, bubbe. You want to surrender? What on earth makes you think thats an option, Spade?"

"Lets be frank, Joker" the masked mad said "You can certainly defeat me, but it will take time and resources. Every day you wait the Titans are that much more prepared for you."

Joker yawned and waved his hand dismissively. "So? Batbreath is constantly preparing himself for me, never does him all that much good. Sure he gets me, but not before I've had my fun! HA HA! Anyway, whats in it for me? Why should I let you go on with your perverted so-called life? And how do I know you aren't going to shake my hand, walk away, then kidnap Robin for more dress-up fun?"

Slade's eyes narrowed. He didn't like hearing this grinning ghoul dismiss his grand work as some sort of sad perversion but he realized he was hardly in a position to argue. "Because I won't be in town. I'm leaving for greener pastures; Central City or perhaps Metropolis"

"Yeah, right, like you can compete with Lex, S'Lady. Face it, as a gang-lord you make a good mercenary. Okay, you have a deal. Chaplin knows, you've wasted enough of my time. HAR-LEY!" The Joker turned his head to call for his sidekick. She rushed to his side "Go to Slade's hideout- you know the one at the docks- take a few goons and make sure our good Friend here keeps up his end of our little agreement"

"You got it Boss-man" Harley said, tossing him a salute.

Slade was furious "You know where I am?"

"Of course Slip-and-Slide. You know, that Chang really is a chatty fellow. Well, he was after I introduced Messrs. Black and Decker to his kneecaps. HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Slade gritted his teeth, but knew he was powerless to do anything. For now.

- - - -

While Harley was away escorting the weirdo out of the city- out of HIS city!- the Joker decided to celebrate with some Ring-Dings and a fifth of Jack. So, he'd beaten Slade, not that that was any great achievement. Slade over thought things- he couldn't just kill his enemies, oh no. It had to be some big convoluted plot with a thousand steps and false leads and what have you. Pffft! Joker preferred the old fashioned methods; Joker gas, bombs, or a nice funny deathtrap! HAHAHAHAA! Plus, Slade was an amateur at organized crime- he had no idea about how to hold a gang together or how to expand properly. Good ol' Harvey always gave Joker a challenge- Two face would never have gone down this easy. Sigh, he really missed Gotham, and all the old gang. He even missed whassername, plant girl, Ivy that was it.

He looked at the hyenas as he poured another drink "No offense guys, but you're hardly the company I prefer when I drink. Even if you do have better senses of humor hehhehHAHAHAHAHA!" As if on cue the beasts started laughing, ending only when Joker caught Lou with a vicious kick "Proves my point. Sigh. I wonder what they're up to at the Iceberg. Maybe they're having a toast to me! After all I was nice enough to break them all out of Arkham... Let's see now. Hmmm... Ol' Double-Ugly is probably sitting in a corner drinking his double-malt scotch, while Riddler and Tetch are sitting at the bar arguing over that stupid raven/writing desk riddle. Ivy's either clinging to arv like...well like ivy HAHAHAHAHA! Or she's sighing that Harley's not around." Joker sighed again. Well, better to think of happy things! Like what to do next. Hmmmm... Not enough to beat the brats, I want to humiliate them...Oh! I know! HAHAHAHAAAAAA!"

The tranquility of Jump City was about to be broken.


	17. Chapter 17

**r!!**

It was four days before christmas, and the Tower was aglow with festive decorations. The grounds surrounding the immense T were covered in decorations; elves, reindeer and snowmen were everywhere. The inside of the tower was awash in lights, and in the center of the main hall, a huge christmas tree towered over a mountain of gifts. Some were from the city, others were from heroes around the world, a few came from the Titan's relatives (including five that came all the way from Tamaran).

The Titans were sitting in the Common Room listening to Beastboy explain how best to secure a building against unknown invaders. Robin was seated in the back row, smirking approvingly as the green boy discussed entrance strategies, defensive sweeps and escape routes. Cyborg sat with a proud look on his face; he'd always known his buddy had a lot more brains than he showed the world. Raven, Starfire and Cassie all listened attentively, taking notes when necessary. This lecture was interrupted by the alert siren blaring out a call to action. Robin raced to the computer and began searching for the disturbance, as the team clustered around him. Robin turned to them, looking grim.

"It's the Joker, he's robbing the diamond exchange. The new mayor has ordered the police to stay out of it, she feels Joker's too dangerous to risk it. It's up to us: Titans go!" And, following their leaders battlecry, the team raced into motion, headed for the city. Starfire and Beastboy took the lead, followed by the others in the T-car. Robin had decided some time ago that, with Raven's abilities against the Joker in question, it was best she enter battle only when all the Titans were present. Thus deployed, the teen heroes leapt to the fray.

- - - - - 

The Joker stood in the middle of the bank, seemingly oblivious to the scene surrounding him. His ten henchmen were busy either looting the vault (blown open by a half pound of the experimental explosive Decimite) of its gems or robbing the patrons of their personal valuables. Three grinning bodies looked up him from his feet, security guards who had decided to be heroes and rush the Joker. He'd decided to be a gentleman and let them sniff his boutonnier before combat; the Joker venom did the rest.  
He felt bored suddenly, but fortunately he had a room full of playmates to entertain him. He pulled out his oversized pistol and pointed at a fat middle-aged man in a suit. The man began trembling, dislodging his bad combover. "YOU! Entertain me. Sing a few verses of 'Clang Clang Clang Went the Trolley' for me."

The man broke out in a cold sweat "I-I'm sorry sir, b-b-but I d-don't know that song" BLAM! The body fell to the ground, a large bloody hole in its midsection. Somewhere in the crowd a child started crying, but was quickly hushed.  
The Joker's massive handgun smoked as the clown laughed

"HAHAHAHA! O-kay, bored again. Who here DOES know the song?" He slowly moved his gun across the people, who trembled but remained silent. "Tsk tsk tsk, this'll never do. If somebody doesn't start singing, I'm going to start shooting people. Either way, as Curly is my witness I won't be bored again! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!"

A skinny, mousy looking woman with brown hair and a plain dress shakily rose to her feet. The Joker swung his gun to cover her as she broke out in tremulous song.

"C-C-Clang clang clang w-went the trolley..."

"Louder! More feeling!"

"D-Ding ding ding went the bell, zing zing zing went my h-heartstrings, from the moment I saw him I fell..." Joker leaned back and nodded in time to the song.

Meanwhile, Harley Quinn was at the door, hurrying the goons along. "C'mon, c'mon hurry it up! Mista J said in and out in fifteen minutes an' we've been here thirteen! Oooooo...MISTA J! The henchmen ain't listenin' ta me!"  
"I can't blame them, only envy them" Joker muttered, wincing at his moll's shrill voice, but decided that some motivation was in order if things were going to go as planned "All right my bad pennies, listen up! For every minute we're here from now on, I'm going to kill one of you! Now, are you ready to hustle? You are? Tony Robbins eat your heart out HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

The goons redoubled their efforts, loading up the two cars with cash and jewels. Finally the loading was done, just as the Titans arrived. Beastboy and Starfire landed, just as the T-car appeared in the distance. "Heh, wait'll Cy sees that we beat his 'baby' to the action, he'll -oooph!" Beastboy's gloating was cut short by a huge rock-like fist which sent him flying into the wall.

Starfire gaped. The enemy appeared to be Cinderblock but...different. Rather than being naked as usual, he wore a bright orange outfit with white polka-dots and ruffles at the neck and wrists, as well as an orange and red striped conical hat. The monster closed the distance between them, and Starfire barely had time to get airborn before its massive fist smashed the ground she'd been standing on.

Just as she was about to use her communicator the T-car pulled up, and the rest of the Titans joined the scene. Starfire was espescially impressed with how Cassie looked in her uniform- it was the first time she'd ever seen the all-black Batgirl outfit. Her entire body was sheathed in black, even her eyes were covered in black, leaving her with no visible face.

Robin pointed to the man responsible for this atrocity "Give it up Joker, or the joke'll be on you!"

The Joker shook his head "Oh, Robin Robin Robin. All those years associating with me and that was really the best you could do? Hmmph. Remind me to send you a jokebook for christmas. Oh! I see your little girlfriend has met the newest clown in our little carnival! Say 'hello' to the nice brats BoBo!"

Against all expectation, the cement monster opened its mouth and spoke, in a voice like rocks grinding together "Bo...Bo..."

Joker stared for a second before turing again to the heroes "Yes, well, no henchman is perfect. BoBo, why don't you keep our friends entertained while I go run a few errands?" With that, the mad mountebank leapt into the Jokermobile, where Harley Quinn was waiting. The purple car roared away, as the henchmen drove off in a plain van headed in the opposite direction.

Robin snapped into action "Cyborg, Cassie take care of Cinderblock! Starfire Beastboy, fly after the Joker, the rest of us will be behind you in the T-Car!"

Cyborg whirled to face his leader "Say WHAT?! I think that cheap hair gel of yours has leaked into your brain! You ain't driving off in my -"

Robin lost his temper "CYBORG! FOR ONCE THINK OF SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE DAMN CAR! LIVES ARE AT STAKE, SO GIVE ME THE DAMN KEYS OR YOU'RE OFF THE TEAM!!"  
Wordlessly, the mechanical man tossed over the keys. Raven and Robin leapt into the T-Car and raced off in pursuit of the Joker, while Starfire and the now-healed changeling took to the skies.

Cyborg and Cassie squared off against the massive golem, preparing for battle. As he charged his sonic cannon, Cyborg muttered "Self-righteous midget better not scratch the paint..."

- - - - - 

"WOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOOOO! Faster Harley-girl faster!" Joker was exhilerated. The day was proving to be every bit as entertaining as he'd hoped- Robin was almost as fun to mess with as his mentor. Turning around, he tossed another explosive into the path of the T-Car, giggling as the advanced machine swerved wildly to avoid the explosion. The streets were totally clear, as news of his coming had sent citizens scurring to imagined safety. "Come on Harley, we're on a schedule here! Harpo will be waiting for us at the bridge, and with things as hot as they are now we can hardly keep him waiting"

"I got it to the floor, Puddin'!" Harley protested, keeping her eyes on the road. "I think all the weight is slowin' us down!"

"Well, then, let's lighten the load a bit, shall we?" Joker grabbed the entire bag of bombs and, grunting at its heft, heaved it over the side and right through the window of a store .A massive explosion tore through the entire building, as the Jokermobile raced away at an increased speed. Joker, now deprived of his bombs, contented himself with blasting at the airborne heroes with his gun.

At the wheel of the T-Car, Robin gritted his teeth, resisting the urge to stop and help those who'd been injured by the Joker's antics. 'the paramedics can do that. Your job is to stop the Joker' he told himself. Seated beside him, Raven stared ahead with a stoic expression on her face, but inwardly she felt extremely odd.

In truth, the Joker's bizarre brainwaves combined with his frequent shifts in mood had unbalanced the young empath. Her highly receptive brain, confronted with so much confusing and rapidly changing data, was quickly becoming unbalanced. She felt dizzy, her emotions were out of balance, she was suffering from a touch of vertigo, and her judgement wasn't as good as it normally was. In short, Raven was rapidly becoming very very drunk from the Joker's abnormal psyche. Since she had never so much as tasted alcohol, Raven did not know this, all she knew was she felt very odd indeed. She hoped she would be all right in the coming battle. She had a feeling it wouldn't be an easy one.

Beastboy followed the Jokermobile in the form of a pterosaur- not his fastest flying form, but tough and maneurverable, which was a big advatage right now. Neither he nor Starfire could gain on the garish giggling ghoul, as everytime they approached his car he started shooting at them. He worried a bit for Cassie- why had Robn left her behind to help deal with Cinderblock? She didn't have superpowers and had no experience fighting the thing. Starfire signaled to him.

"I believe he is coming to a stop on the bridge." Sure enough, the purple Cadillac had halted in the middle of the President Bridge. The two Titans came in for a landing nearby, and prepared themselves for their first battle with the Joker.

A/N  
I like Joker when he decides to amuse himself. Incidentally, you should ALL read Sheharazade by Whoreoftortuga, and The Survivor by Gladrial10. They have the Jarec Seal of Approval (C) for quality Joker-Writing! Go on, read em, I can wait but pick me up a sandwich while you're up...

I'm not sure my recent chapters have been up to snuff so please review and tell me if I'm still doing OK. And please, while I appreciate praise as much as the next man, if there are problems I'd like to hear about them too.


	18. Chapter 18

Joker stood on the suspension bridge, heartily cursing his incompetent henchman Harpo. "Be at the Presidents Bridge at precisely 12:15! Doesn't that sound like a simple instruction, Harley? Even you can understand it, but apparently it was a wee bit too difficult for Harpo! I swear, you just can't get good goons outside of Gotham."

"Hey, Joker" Beastboy called, trying to buy time for his friends to arrive. He made a mental note to razz Cyborg about the T-car; he'd beaten it twice now. "I thought clowns were supposed to be funny, but so far the only thing making me laugh is your face!"

The Joker turned to the green boy and bowed slowly from the waist. "I do apologize, dear boy, I've been neglecting you haven't I? Normally, I would put a smile on your face with my poison, but your friend there told Harley that you were 'most resistant to poisons', so I think I'll settle for giving you a front row seat to the rest of our little show! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!"

The harlequin of hate pointed his cane at Beastboy and tapped a concealed button on the head. A dart shot out from the tip of the cane, striking Beastboy before he had a chance to move out of its way. Immediately, the changeling felt his muscles give way, and his whole body went limp. He slowly sagged to the ground, unable even to keep himself standing.

"Hey! What gives! Who turned my magnificent bod to jelly?!" He yelled, trying to supress the panic he felt.

"Friend Beastboy! Do not fear, friend, I shall subdue this villain!" Starfire flew forward and seized the Joker by his forearms. His arms so held, and faced with her righteous fury, Starfire expected the Joker to struggle or fight. She did not expect his to grin wider. Nor did she expect to hear his companion's voice call out behind her.

"Hey, StarSlut! Let my Puddin' go, or else this little rugrat learns ta swim the hard way!" Harley yelled, holding a small form over the side of the bridge. Starfire was torn- release the Joker and save the baby, or capture the villain and save many others in the future. She was relieved when the T-car roared up, and Robin leapt out. Robin would know what to do!

Sure enough the young vigilante took in the situation with a single glance and began giving orders. "Starfire, get Harley, Raven you help Beastboy! Joker, you're mine! Titans GO!" He leapt at the Joker just as Starfire soared off to save the infant. Joker and Robin began to battle, cane against bo-staff. The match was surprisingly even, as Joke's agility and speed made him a difficult opponent.

Meanwhile, Starfire flew at Harley Quinn. Faced with the wrath of an angry alien, Harley dropped her small burden and cartwheeled away. The baby plunged over the side of the bridge, headed for the water more than a hundred feet below. Starfire never even paused, she simply flew down after the baby with every bit of speed she had.

- - - - - - -

Raven was feeling lighter and more carefree than she had ever felt in her entire life. She felt her emotions churning inside her, all of them fighting for expression. Lust, Affection, Happiness, Timidity, Rage, Bravery, and Jealousy were all clamoring inside of her (although Wisdom was markedly absent). She felt like she could, no, SHOULD do everything and anything she wanted to. But first she remembered that one of her teammates was down. Then she remembered which teammate was down, and smirked. A small voice in the back of her mind screamed that this wasn't normal behavior for her, but she ignored it. This was going to be a lot of fun.

Beastboy saw Raven floating towards him. She could heal him, so he'd be able to help take down this loony. While he was relieved that she was here, he noticed that she seemed to be wobbling as she moved, as though she was having trouble keeping her balance. "Raven! I am SO glad to see you!" She propped him up against the T-car in a sitting position. "Great, now just heal me!"  
To his shock, the gray girl giggled a bit and said "Aw, Beastie. Your ssssush a sweetie. An' your so cute, too. 'S why I like you so mush! Heeheeheeheee!" She stumbled over to his side and began rubbing her cheek against his. "Mmmmmmm…. Soft…." Her hand drifted down to his rear "mmmMMMM…firm…heehee"

Beastboy's eyes grew to the size of basketballs, and his face went from green to bright red. "WHOA! Rae, you're supposed to be healing me, not groping me… Hey! No squeezing! Oh man, didja ever have one of those days…."

- - - - -

Joker and Robin continued to battle, their weapons clashing. "HAHAHAHAA! Y'know kid, its good to see you! A little taste of home in this dreary berg- almost as good as the Bat! You're like Bat-Lite! All the annoyance, with half the competence and none of the threat! HAHAHAHAHA!!"

Robin's lips were set in a firm line. 'Don't give into his banter, stay focused'

The Joker continued to talk as he parried Robin's attacks. "I mean seriously, Daddy-Bat must be just sooooo disappointed in you! I mean, I've been on the loose in your town for over a month and a half, I've killed what? A dozen people? And you STILL haven't caught me! Ol' Batso would have stopped me MUCH sooner than this! Maybe you kids need a supervising adult? A Playground Monitor-Man to look out for you?"

Robin's jaw ached from the effort of clamping his mouth shut, of not responding.

"That must be it, huh? You need a grown-up in tights to help you fight supervillains, save people, and hold your hand when you cross the street! HAHAHAHAHAAA! I mean, look how much trouble the last Robin ran into when the Bratman wasn't around! Fell in with the wrong crowd, got caught with a loose woman... and then I killed him! HAHAHAHA! Wasn't even as though I enjoyed it all that much. I mean, once I'd finished beating him with the crowbar, it was pretty much over. Oh, the bomb made a lovely explosion, but really- I'm just a hands-on kind of guy! Don't worry though- when the time comes I'll make sure to take my time with you. Hmm...maybe I'll practice on that little Tangerine Dream you have flying around. She looks like oodles of fun! Must have one heck of a scream, eh, Robby? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Robin had been told by his mentor to stay calm. He had been told for years that losing control during a fight was dangerous. But everyone has a limit. With a yell of pure rage, he threw everything he had at the monster taunting him. His attacks were rapid, brutal, and totally lacking in skill. Joker easily dodged them all and struck the Boy Wonder several times with the weighted head of his cane. The blows caused Finally, as blood ran into his eye beneath his mask, Robin regained control and moved back a few steps to calm himself.

- - - -

The small form plummeted towards the water, with Starfire rapidly gaining on it. She knew she had to catch the young human, it would never survive the water. Not only was the water at this time of year dangerously cold, but the wind had made the sea most volatile. Even if the youngling did not freeze, it would drown. This would not be allowed to occur! Her eyes glowing with furious resolve, the Tamaranian princess rocketed forward, and swept the child up in her arms mere inches away from the surface of the water. Turning her power-dive into a rapid rise, she returned to the bridge. The child felt unusually cold and still in her arms, but she had never held a human infant before and reasoned that perhaps this was as it should be. The weather was chill, perhaps young humans were simply exotherms.

"Do not fear, little one, I have you. Soon you shall be with your parents and all shall be well"

Upon rising level with the bridge, Starfire took in the battle. The scene puzzled her. Raven was crouched near Beastboy, her hands on parts of his anatomy that Starfire had been told were 'private'. She did not know why Raven felt that those areas required urgent healing, but then she did not understand Terran anatomy very well - perhaps this was normal. Medical procedure although it did not explain why Beastboy seemed so disturbed by the happenings. But she had no time to consider that, for she saw Robin circling the Joker warily, and was disturbed to note that he was bleeding from several cuts on his face and head.

"Robin, fear not! I have rescued the child, and shall assist you!"

"Oh, good. I thought she'd never get here" Joker said, and pushed a button on his cane.

Starfire felt a curious shifting in her arms. She looked to see the young human turn its head to face her. It said, in a strangely mechanical voice. "I don't feel so good. Cough. Cough. KOFF!". At the last 'Koff' the infants mouth opened wide and belched a cloud of noxious purple smoke into her face.

"Eep!"

- - - - - -

Robin was loathe to take his eyes off the maniac in front of him but Starfire's 'Eep' sounded bad. He glanced back and was just in time to see the alien girl take a faceful of gas. The girl fell like a ton of bricks, landing on the roof of the T-car and bouncing off to lie trembling facedown on the asphalt. The doll- for it must have been one of Joker's trick dollies- fell unregarded and smashed to pieces not far from its victim.

"STARFIRE! OH GOD NO!!" Forgetting the Joker completely, he raced to the alien's side. He reached her shaking form and turned her over, thinking that perhaps her alien physiology had resisted whatever chemicals the Joker had put in that doll. His hope was short-lived. Starfire was giggling.

"Heeheeheeheeheehehehehehhahahahahaha-ha-ha-ha-HHAAA-HA-HAA-HAAHAHAHAAAHAHAAAHAAHAAA!" The alien girl's mouth was wide with mirth, but Robin had never seen so much fear in her wide eyes. Desperately he fumbled with his utility belt, looking for the antidote he'd placed there mere days ago.

"HAHAHA-AHA-AH-AAHAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!" Starfire was thrashing about now, totally seized by the laughing fit. Her body was wracked with pain, pain unlike any she'd experienced since escaping the Psions lab with her sister so long ago. She had never been this afraid. She was going to die, she could feel it. Her heart was beating wildly, her lungs were nearly empty and still she could not stop laughing "HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Finally, Robin pulled a small, sealed syringe out of his belt. "YES!" he cried, tearing off the wrapping and plunging the needle into Starfire's carotid artery and triggering the release of the antivenom. He prayed it would work on Tamaranian bodies- he prayed to a God that he wasn't sure he believed in anymore that this would work.

Slowly, Starfire's laughter died away. "HAHAHAHA-hahahaha-ha-ha-heh-hnnnnh... thank you...Robin...I..." and the alien girl lost consciousness.

Robin bowed his head "Thank you, thank you, thank you God."

"Oh, Robin?" a familiar (and hated) voice said "I think you forgot something" Robin turned his head, just in time to catch a solid haymaker punch square in the jaw. The force of the blow sent him skidding off, until he struck one of the bridge supports. Headfirst. He tried to rise, but fell and lost consciousness himself. Harley rubbed her knuckles "Ouchie. I think I hurt my hand on the Bat-Brat's chin"

Joker looked about himself with disgust. "This? THIS is what I came here to fight? THIS is what I spent over a month preparing for?! I should just cut their little throats right-"

"Not so fash Joker!" Raven leapt from Beastboy's side and landed in front of the mad clown "You're not doin' anything! Azerath Methion Zintoast! Er, Azerath Methodone Zinti! Azerath Mexican…"

The Joker looked at the small teenager who stood before him babbling nonsensical phrases. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a shiny quarter and gave it to her. Patting her on the head, he walked over to the Jokermobile, just as police cars came into view on the distance.

"oh that's just great. HAR-LEY! Get in the car, we're going to have to make our own way back. I swear, is it so hard to pilot a giant dirigible to a bridge and be ON TIME? Oh, that Harpo is gong to die."

"No! I'll stop you! Azerbreath Metrion Zintos! Akarath Megrion Zinthos!"

Meanwhile, Beastboy sat by the T-car, watching as the Joker escaped. "Dude! We just got owned by a guy in a purple zoot suit!"

A/N

Hello, Readers? Yes I'd like a large order of reviews, please. No flames, extra constructive criticism. Oh, and garlic bread. Thanks.

Ok seriously, everything Raven says is NOT an example of horrible spelling- its more orless the way every drunk I've ever encountered has spoken. But sriously, I want reviews. And garlic bread. Or just garlic bread.


	19. Chapter 19

**r!!**

As the Joker's malign aura vanished into the distance, Raven gradually returned to her senses. As her mind cleared, Raven realized what had happened and what she'd been doing. How she'd drunkenly made a fool of herself in front of her friends, how ineffective she'd been, in the face of the Joker, how… 'Oh great AZAR! I practically molested Beastboy!' Instantly, her face went a bright bright red as she realized just how bad things were for her.

Raven couldn't stay there, she just couldn't face the shame. She scanned her friends, to see if her presence as healer was truly critical. Robin and Starfire were unconscious but seemed all right, Beastboy was already recovering from the dart the Joker had hit him with- his protean body adapting to counter the chemicals. Having judged that they'd be okay without her, Raven teleported to Titans Tower and her room; she needed a safe private place to decide what to do next.

- - - - -

The wail of police sirens greeted Robin as he returned to consciousness. Struggling to his feet, he tried to recall what had hit him. He registered someone approaching him, and instantly entered a combat stance, only to realize it was the commissioner. The man appeared haggard and on the brink of tears as he approached.

"You all right Robin? That was a pretty hard hit you took."

Robin paused and mentally went through the self-check that Batman had created. Everything seemed to be all right, although he HAD taken a fairly sharp knock on the head. "I think so, but do me a favor and have someone check me for concussion, would you?"

Oddly, the mans dismal demeanor lightened slightly. "Sure. Marcy! Come here and check our young friend for concussion would you?" a redheaded Emergency Medical Technician ran over, her face almost as red as her hair. In a few minutes she pronounced the Boy Wonder to be undamaged and fled the scene. The commissioner turned to Robin and explained. "She's a new girl, just finished the course. She's still a little in awe of you guys. I thought this would be a good time to start ridding her of that." The gloom around the man intensified once more.

"Commissioner Whyte, are you OK?" Robin asked. The older man sighed, and lowered his head.

"No, Robin, I'm not OK. I'm quite a long way from Okay. You remember I told you about my young daughter, Beatrice? She was out shopping with her friends today, you know, buying dresses for the big Christmas dance their high school is putting on. She was so excited this morning, her first formal dress, her first big soiree. She'd found a good one at the big department store downtown, Hannegan's. She and her friends were just coming home when Joker passed through downtown, chucking bombs every which way. One went off right near them"

Robin wished with all his heart he didn't have to ask the question. "Is she all right?"

Whyte sighed "She'll live, but she lost her left leg. Everything below the knee was so badly damaged they had to amputate. Shrapnel you know. Her friend wasn't quite so fortunate- a piece of metal pierced her skull. She's in a coma right now, and the doctors don't expect her to wake up. Ever."

Robin winced but tried to raise the older man's spirits. It's not your fault…"

"Yes it IS! You said so yourself, remember? When we found Red X? "Whatever progress he's made, whatever lives he's taken, you bear a part of the responsibility for it" you said. So, I'm part of the reason my little girl lost a friend and a leg. I'm part of the reason fourteen citizens won't be going home today." Before Robin could reply, the commissioner spun on his heel and walked away.

The young hero sighed, and walked over to where Starfire lay. The EMTs hadn't known how to treat a Tamaranian, so they had simply covered her with a blanket and waited for her or her teammates to give some help. As he approached, he saw her eyelids flutter and he raced to her side- a dose of Joker Venom was a frightening thing, he knew, and he didn't want her to be alone.

"R-Robin? You have not been injured? The others are all right as well?"

"We're all fine, Star" he said smiling. Trust Starfire to ask about others first thing after a near-death experience. "The question is how are you feeling? You took a big dose of the Joker's lethal laughing gas and fell from pretty high up. Look, you hit so hard you dented the roof of the T-car. Are you okay?"

"Affirmative. I am a bit sore from falling, and from the Joker's most nasty gas, but I shall recover. I thank you for your help, Robin. I was certain I was going to die- I have not been so frightened in many years. I had not thought laughter could ever be so unpleasant and frightening."

Robin grimaced "that's a lesson you learn fast in Gotham. To this day, laugh tracks make me nervous. Star, I know how it feels to come close to death-by-laughter. If you like, we can talk about it more tonight over supper." He blushed slightly, realizing it sounded like he was asking the alien girl on a date. Much as he would have liked to, as much as he cared for the girl, Robin could not develop a romantic relationship with one of his subordinates. Starfire blushed, but inwardly she was saddened. She knew Robin very well, and knew this was most likely the closest she would ever come to a true date with her leader.

An awkward silence descended broken by Robin. "well, uh, I'd er better check on Beastboy and the others"

"Yes, that – that would be most wise"

As Robin walked away, one of the older EMT's snorted and shook her head. "Honey, don't waste your time with that one. I know the type; it'll just end in pain."

Starfire rounded on the middle-aged woman and her eyes flared "You do not know Robin! Do not judge him!"

The woman (whose name tag identified her as Sheila) looked at Starfire, and although her face was stern her eyes were moist with unshed tears. "Oh no? Well, let me just make a few guesses, hmmm? Let's see… With him the Job always comes first, am I right? And he can't have a relationship because it might damage the team, right? And even when you're alone together, even when the mood is absolutely perfect, he'll still leave you to go deal with something he could leave to the others, right? And to top it all off, you still love him, right?" Starfire nodded her head to each 'guess', growing sadder and sadder.

Seeing this, Sheila sighed. "Look, I can tell you're a sweet girl with a lot of love in you. I used to be like that, so I'm going to tell you a story. Once, when I was younger, I fell hard for the head of the Emergency Response Team back in Central City. He was a great man, don't get me wrong, truly dedicated to saving lives and helping people. And despite all that happened, to this day I believe he really cared for me. But apart from a few flings in closets and such, it never went anywhere between us because he wouldn't let it go anywhere. He said that the team and the duty always had to come first, and that anything else wouldn't be fair to us or to the city. Now, I know plenty of people in that same position who made relationships work. So, like a fool, I kept on hoping that he'd change his mind- a hope I'm guessing you know pretty well. Every time he ran out to deal with a mundane call, every time he failed to show, I told myself that one day things would be different. But, sweetie, guys like that never change. Its what makes them so good at what they do- you can't hate them for it. Go find yourself another guy, hon, before its too late, and all you have left are wasted years and sad memories." The woman turned away, surreptitiously brushing tears from her eyes.

Starfire felt like crying herself. 'This has most certainly not been a glorious day'  
- - - - - -

Robin reached Beastboy just as the changeling began moving his limbs. Beastboy smiled "whew, dude, I never thought just wiggling my toes'd feel so good. How're you doing, Rob?

"Hurt. Humiliated. Yourself?"

"Eh, been better. Think that stuff the Joker shot me with is wearing off, so I should be good to go in a few minutes. Wish Rae woulda healed me before she went."

Robin's eyes widened "You mean she didn't? I told her to heal you before doing anything else!"

Beastboy sweat dropped at Robin's obvious anger. "Er, Rob, did you see how Raven was behaving during the fight?"

"No, Beastboy, I was kinda busy fighting the Joker, saving Starfire, and being knocked unconscious by a deranged clown girl. Why?"

Now, in general, Beastboy was an honest person. He'd learned a long time ago that it was easier for him to just tell the truth than to keep a whole complicated string of lies straight in his head. But in this case, he felt a white lie was called for. What had happened to Raven was just too humiliating- if she felt like telling the others that was one thing, but it wasn't his place to do so. "She had a 'power failure' heh heh. Couldn't do a thing. And afterwords, she said her powers were kinda wonky. She headed off to the Tower to check on them. Er, any word from Batgirl?"

"Not yet. She and Cyborg should-" at just that second Robin's communicator went off.

"Robin" came Cassie's voice, sounding tired "Cyborg hurt, Cinderblock escaped. Garfield OK?"

Robin smirked, despite the situation. "Yeah, he was just asking about you."

"...oh." Robin could practically HEAR the girl blushing.

"Batgirl, tell the police to take you and Cy to the Tower. We'll meet you there."

- - - - - -

Upon arriving at the Tower, Beastboy immediately headed to Raven's room. He knew the dark girl would go there after what happened on the bridge, and knew he needed to talk to her before she did something drastic. Along the way, he ran into Cassie, still in her Batgirl outfit, but with her hood down.

"Hello, Garfield. You ok?" she asked, smiling shyly. He couldn't help but notice how good the tight outfit looked on her small body. How it hugged every curve and contour.

"Y-Yeah. How're you?"

"I fine. Wanted to thank for breakfast this morning. Never got chance." That morning, Beastboy had taken the young gotham-girl to a fancy breakfast at the Jump City Plaza Hotel. It had been a huge buffet, and she had enjoyed herself immensely. Now, she drew close and kissed him on the cheek. Beastboy suddenly went all tingly. "Thank you, Beastboy." she walked away, using a special slow hip-swinging walk that Huntress and Catwoman had taught her. They'd said it was good for displaying ones assets, a comment that had made Nightwing suffer a coughing fit, though Cassie didn't understand it. Still, Beastboy's expression seemed to imply it was working.

As soon as he regained his senses (and bloodflow to his brain resumed) Beastboy raced towards Raven's room once more. Reaching her door he paused; no way she'd just let him in now, but he had to speak to her. Praying that she was decent he shifted into a bacteria and slipped under the door.

He found her sitting on the floor trying to meditate and failing miserably. Her face was still red from embarrassment, and she clearly couldn't focus. So great was her distress, she didn't realize he was there until the now-humanoid boy cleared his throat. She then leapt into the air, and drew up her hood.

"Get out of my room. No one comes into my room." Beastboy was impressed; her voice gave no hint of her obvious turmoil or embarassment.

"No can do Rae-Rae, I..."

"My name is Raven. I can accept Rae as a friendly nickname, but calling me Rae-Rae is punishable by death from now on" the dark girl deadpanned, leaving Beastboy in doubt as to whether or not she was joking.

"Er, sure Rae. Anyway, I wanted to talk about what happened today on the bridge."

"What's to talk about? I humiliated myself totally in front of everyone, I was completely ineffective in battle and to top it all off I practically raped you. My life as a Titan is essentially over."

"Okay, let's take all that a bit at a time. First off, no one saw what you did except me. Robin was distracted by the Joker, and Starfire was unconscious. Before you cut in, Rae, no I won't tell anyone. Robin thinks your powers went on the fritz and you left to make sure they were working right- he seemed to buy that excuse. Second, you told Robin way back at the tart of this thing that you might not be much help against Joker. Plus, who knows? Maybe there's a way to beat whatever it was that happened to you. Like wearing an aluminum foil hat to block the Joker's nasty vibes" Raven smirked slightly as a mental image formed of herself in a conical tinfoil helmet. "See? Not so bad!"

Raven's smirk abruptly vanished and her blush reappeared "and the...the last thing?"

Beastboy sighed and sat down on Raven's bed, patting the mattress beside him. When Raven was seated he began to speak, never looking at her. "Two things about that. First, Raven, you weren't in control of yourself. You remember when I was the Beast? How I attacked the others? For a long time I felt horrible about that, about what I'd done and what I might have done. I would have killed them Rae- Robin, Star, Cy- I would have torn them apart and probably eaten them. Can you imagine the nightmares I had for months afterward? Then I realized it wasn't my fault."

Raven shook her head, unwilling to be comforted so easily. "Beastboy the two cases are worlds apart. I mean, the Beast was-"

"The Beast is ME, Rae. It's every desire I resisted, every attack I didn't make, every urge I suppressed. I read up on this psychology stuff, and the Beast is like my Id- primal, untamed, savage. Its me without limits, without boundaries, without restraints, but still me. Any of this sounding familiar? Point is, Rae, you lost control. It happens, you deal, you apologize.you move on"

Raven nodded, feeling better. She hadn't been in control of herself, and thus it made no sense to be so ashamed of it. "And the second point?"

Beastboy got up and smirked "Hey, I got groped by a hot girl. Who said I didn't enjoy it a bit?" Raven blushed deeply, but this time it wasn't from shame. Quite the opposite in fact. "hey! Y'know what we oughta do? Once Robin's briefing is done, let's fix up a picnic and go watch the stars. You, me, the heavens, and tofu-burgers. Whattaya say, Rae?"

"That sounds really...nice. Corny, but nice. Thanks Beastboy. Tell Robin I'll be down in a few minutes."

A/N  
I honestly have no idea why Sheila is in this thing. She doesn't really add anything to the story, and she has no place in the future installments. Yet once I'd written her in, I just couldn't bring myself to delete her. Eh, just one of those things I suppose. More Joker, and an important plot point, next chapter.

Jimmy Exposition sez: Tip your waitresses, review the author, and try the veal!


	20. Chapter 20

r…

Harley skipped through the door to the hideout, a canvas sack slung over one shoulder. "Ooooh, Puddin's gonna be so happy with me when he sees what I got 'im! He's been feelin' down eva since that fight, an' I know when my Mista J needs a li'l pick-me –up! Hey, Curly!" she called out to one of the goons "where's Mista J?"

'Curly', a large black youth with a bald head, pointed a shaky hand towards the torture chamber/breakfast nook. Harley smiled and bounced off "Thanks Curly! Ya should take some Pepto or somethin', ya look kinda queasy!"\

- - - - - 

It's fair to say that Matt Chambers (now known as Laurel due to his lanky frame and bowler hat) was not a squeamish young man. Born in Metropolis' infamous Suicide Slums to one of the few white families, Matt had learned to fight at an early age. But the Slums are an equal opportunity killing field- anyone can play regardless of skin color. By the time he was thirteen, he was already a multiple murderer, having blooded himself in the areas many gang wars. By sixteen, he was a wanted man, a high profile criminal due to a robbery gone wrong- which meant it was time to leave Metropolis. When the city's hero moves faster than a speeding bullet and can see through walls, the wise felon is advised to skip town unless he's got powers.

He'd spent the next four years freelancing in a number of places- Star City, Central, even a brief stint in Europe working for Intergang. Every thug he'd ever worked with bragged about how tough his neighborhood was- whether that be the Corsican district of Marseilles or Hard Luck Row in Star City. He'd laughed at them all, and told them stories of the Slums that had made them keep quiet. But now he was seeing that Gotham bred a whole different kind of nasty- and vowed that, if he survived this job , he'd give the town a wide berth. About two states distance at all times seemed about right. If he survived.

'Laurel' had been chosen to be the Joker's audience - an official post that was normally filled by Harley Quinn. But whenever she was away, as now, Laurel had to fill in. Currently, his employer was playing Piñata with the luckless minion Harpo. Harpo, it seemed, had been unable to get the helicopter into the air in time to rendezvous with the Joker due to a lack of familiarity with that models controls- and now he was paying the price.

Harpo was hanging from the ceiling, suspended by a rope five feet off the ground. Both his arms and legs were tied together, leaving him in what is known among professional torturers as the Swan position- Laurel thought he looked a bit like the letter U. Below him, the Joker wandered, blindfolded, laughing and dizzy, taking random swipes with a Louisville Slugger. The crazed clown had already landed several solid hits, cracking a few ribs by the sound of it, but was quickly becoming bored with the whole game. He took another swing, connecting with the side of Harpo's left knee.

What truly impressed Laurel was that none of the hoods from Gotham seemed to think this was all that unusual. They had bound Harpo with a quickness and ease clearly born of experience, and then lost all interest in the proceedings, as though they'd seen it all before.

Whump! Another blow. 

"MMMPH!" The ball-gag muffled Harpo's screams of pain and pleas for mercy, which Laurel was grateful for. This was bad enough already; he didn't need to hear the guy screaming. Just when he thought he could take no more, Harley came in and motioned for Laurel to take a break. He fled, renewing his pledge to avoid Gotham City like the plague.

"Hiya Puddin'! Whatcha doing'?" Harley giggled a bit at her inadvertent rhyme "Ooh! Piñata! Can I play, Puddin'? Pleasepleasepleaseplease PLEAASSSE?"

"Not much point, Harl, this guy's a little too tough for the ol' Slugger. Hmm… I know! Bring Daddy the other stick! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!"

"MMMPH! MMMMMMPH!!" Harpo had been dreading this. The 'Other stick' was a relatively slender piece of wood, about the width of a pool cue. It had no balance, no heft, no hitting power. What it did have however was a foot-and-a-half long machete blade affixed to the end. Harley dutifully handed it to her love, and gave him a spin. Joker stumbled around for a moment, then steadied himself and took a big swing at his former henchman.

The blade sunk into Harpo's abdomen just above the groin, and tore open his stomach. His shrieks muffled by the gag, all Harpo could do was watch as his intestines fell out of his body. It was the last sight of his life.

The Joker whipped off his blindfold "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Look at that, Harl! I win!"

"Yay Puddin'! Woohoo!" Harley cheered, applauding and whistling enthusiastically. Joker took a few stage bows, before straightening up and heading for the door.

"Have one of the boys clear that up, would you Harl? Oh and give the prizes to the hyenas; Bud and Lou could do with some fresh meat. Now, where were you? You took off right after the fight"

"Yeah Puddin'. I know ya felt a little down after those Titans turned out to be Try-an's, so I wanted ta getcha something nice . I know ya like models to help ya plot so I went to the toy store and gotcha something special!" She began to rummage through the canvas sack she'd carried with her "ah here it is! A complete set of Talking Titan Action Figures! Five plastic punks with their own individual catch phrases!"

The Joker smiled and patted his girl on the head. "Ah, Harley. I'd say you were too good to me, but we both know that's impossible. Let's open 'em up! " Harley handed over the bright red and black colored box, which the joker quickly tore open.

"Oooh! Looky looky Harley! I always wanted my own little Robin to play with… again. Let's see what he has to say for himself!" Pushing a button on the back of the toy, Joker roared with laughter when a tinny recorded voice shouted "Titan's GO!"

"Pffft, yeah right. Titan's GONE more like! Lets see if the others have more to say for themselves!"

A few minutes passed while the Joker tried out his new toys, mocking their catchphrases as he did so. Other goons wandered into the room, drawn by the noise, chuckling as their boss mocked the teen heroes who'd made their lives so difficult. Finally he came to the Beastboy figure. "Oh this oughta be good. I hear the little mutant thinks he's a comedian"

The Beastboy toy shouted out: "Dude I'm the King of Jokers!"

Total silence descended on the room.

- - - - - - - - - 

Meanwhile at Titan's Tower, Robin sat at the main computer, logging in a report of the day's shameful defeat. Beside him, Batgirl reviewed the data, looking for weaknesses and errors. From the doorway he heard someone clear their throat and someone else cough. He turned to see his team standing in the entryway to the room, all looking somewhat ashamed. Cyborg (newly repaired following his battle with Cinderblock) stepped forward, apparently acting as group spokesman.

"rob, we wanted to talk to you about what happened out there today. We been talking and we realize that the reason we lost today was because none of us took the Joker seriously. Even after everything you said, we just wrote him off as some weirdo in a bad suit. Even me, I never thought he'd have serious muscle like Cinderblock workin' for him. I thought of him as small time, and I paid for it." Robin nodded at this. Cyborg had lost an arm to the granite monster, his left hand having been crushed in the battle. Fortunately, all his parts were modular and replaceable. "Point is, Robin, we know we messed up. We were arrogant, we were stupid, we were stubborn…and we're sorry."

"Very sorry" Starfire said, nodding vigorously.

"Sorrier than you can ever possibly know" droned Raven

"Yeah." Beastboy finished "So, now that that's out of the way, commence chewing our asses out."

Robin raised one eyebrow "I dunno, you guys seem to have done a pretty thorough job already. Not much I can really add. We'll up our training starting tomorrow, and me and Cassie will be up tonight making new strategies. Get some rest guys, we'll resume training tomorrow- prepare for pain."

"Oh. Joy." Raven said, before Beastboy grabbed her hand and yanked her from the room, headed for the kitchen. 

"C'mon Rae let's go, I got a good feeling about tonight." The changeling exclaimed s he went to prepare a picnic supper.

- - - - - - 

There are any number of urban legends surrounding the Rogues of Gotham. They say that the Riddler is incapable of answering a question without using riddles, that the Penguin is an Orinthophile, that Harvey Dent dyes his hair (but Two-Face is all natural). These rumors rise in popularity, then fall into obscurity, as the public tries desperately to understand the monsters Hell has unleashed upon them.

One of the more persistent rumors states that the Joker's face is stuck in a permanent toothy grin- that he is incapable of altering his expression. This is plain nonsense to anyone who gives it a moment's thought-if it was true, how would he be able to speak? Yet despite all common sense, the rumor persists.

If anyone were to see the Joker's face as he held the Beastboy Talking Titan, that rumor would be put to rest, for the Joker's face was contorted into a hideous snarl of pure rage. He triggered the toy again.

"Dude I'm the King of Jokers!". Again. "Dude I'm the King of Jokers!". The Joker clenched his fist with such force that the toy shattered. Plastic arms and legs rained onto the floor.

"P-P-Puddin'?" Harley simpered, more frightened now than she'd been in…well, at least a couple of months. "are y- OOMF!!" The Joker drove his fist straight into Harley's gut. He followed that up with a kick in the chest that sent the hapless Harlequin sliding across the floor into the opposite wall. The thugs took this cue to flee as the Joker, heedless, began to deliver a savage beating to his moll. He punched, he kicked, he headbutted, and he threw her around like a ragdoll. He made no sound, nor screams of rage or maniacal laughter, so much as a grunt. That was what really frightened the thugs in the next room. They'd never heard the Joker so quiet- all they could hear were Harley's cries of pain and the sound of the blows.

All the while Harley kept thinking about her poor, ill-treated Puddin'. He'd worked so hard to establish himself in the world, make a name for himself as a criminal legend, and some green punk just starts claiming to be King of Jokers. 'Nossir,' she reflected after a particularly vicious body blow 'the world is never fair to Mista J'

As suddenly as he'd begun the Joker stopped his attack. Straightening his clothing, he turned away from his brutalized gal pal. "But perhaps I've been too harsh on you, Harley. No matter how abysmally stupid bringing that abomination here was (and it was, it really really was) you didn't make the thing. Nor does all the blame rest with the toymakers, though they'll get their punishment too in time. No, the REAL villain here (apart from me) is the noisome brat who declared himself MY king!" Casting his gaze down at the floor, he saw the fallen green head from the toy. He carefully crushed it underfoot, grinding his heel to be sure he obliterated it totally.

"HAR-LEY! Clean yourself up and then meet me upstairs! I have plotting to do!"

"S-Sure thing Puddin'" Harley said, blood trickling from her nose.

A/N  
Dunh-dunh-dunh-dunh-dunh-DUNH!


	21. Chapter 21

Training began at the crack of dawn. The Titans were in the gym, doing their stretching routines before beginning the grueling training Robin had planned. Well, all but Cyborg who simply ran a quick systems check. "Okay guys, I went over yesterday's battles last night, and I've identified some weak points. Cyborg, during your battle with Cinderblock, you couldn't use your sonic cannon because of the hostages. I want you to work on tightening the beam into smaller, more controlled bursts."

Cyborg nodded slowly "Y-eah, yeah, I think I can do that. The hardware's already there- just needs practice. Been meaning to make it more useable in tight situations."

"Beastboy, I've seen you dodge laser fire. You can't tell me a dart was too much for you. I want you to work on your dodging ability. You'll be paired with Cyborg."  
Beastboy's gaze slid to his left, in time to see an evil grin slowly spread across the metal man's face. His human eye slowly slid down to meet the changeling's gaze.

"Eep."

"Start runnin' veggieboy"

Immediately, Beastboy was off and running, dodging blue bursts of sonic force as he went. Cyborg laughed maniacly.

"HAHAHA! You can't run forever grass-stain"

"DUDE! Whoa! Yipe! If you kill me, you'll have to face the wrath of Raven AND Cassie"

The female Titans sweatdropped at Cyborg's unusual enthusiasm, until Robin answered their unspoken question. "Beastboy beat Cyborg at MegaMonkey Fighter Tour Grand Prix 2 yesterday."

"Ah" the girls said in unison. That explained it; while Cyborg was ordinarily a patient and sweet-tempered boy, losing tended to drive him berserk.

"Raven, there really isn't much you can do to improve except to find some way to counter what the Joker does to you. I don't think we need your powers shorting out on us in battle again. Putting aside the loss of our most powerful team mate, you're our field medic and life-support. We got lucky this time, but fighting the Joker is extremely dangerous. As it is now, if he injures one of us- say spraying someone with acid or shooting them- there's nothing to do but get them to a hospital. We need you, Raven, and we need your power"

Raven nodded, feeling a bit guilty that she hadn't told Robin the truth about what had happened on the bridge. She trusted him to keep it secret, but she couldn't bring herself to tell ANYONE what she'd done under the influence of the Joker's weird vibes. How could she ever look them in the eye again? 'And Robin… how could I tell my leader that I'd sexually harassed my team mate?' she wondered for perhaps the hundredth time- she respected Robin immensely and wanted to keep his respect. Aloud she said "I understand that. I am searching for any reference to empaths who overcame this problem and will extend my meditation time to see if perhaps balancing my emotions better will help"

"Good. In the meantime I want you to help Cassie in her training. She needs a sparring partner. Starfire, you'll be training with me out on the roof. Come on"

Raven and Cassie moved over to the sparring area. They looked at each other and smirked. Raven was sure she would win this fight with ease. She knew without any false modesty that she was the most powerful of the Teen Titans. She knew Cassie was a skilled fighter, but felt this match would be little challenge. 'This'll teach her not to go around showing off her gifts from Beastboy- how proud can you be of a mix cd?'

Cassie, on the other hand, was thinking that Robin had made a mistake- Raven would not be able to challenge her seriously. The girl relied on her powers far too much, and wasn't a close range fighter. Cassie had dealt with many foes with superpowers, and if she could get close enough- 'Hmmph. Teach her to make fun of CD Beastboy give me'

"How about a little side bet?" Raven suggested, tring to sound casual "Just to make things more interesting"

Cassie nodded "Okay. What bet?"

Raven smirked again "Winner gets Christmas eve with Beastboy"

Cassie nodded again, looking a little too pleased with the idea for Raven's liking. "Deal"

The two squared off. 

- - - - - - 

Meanwhile on the roof, Robin and Starfire stood, watching the sunrise before beginning their training. The red orb cleared the horizon, and Robin let out a small sigh. "So beautiful." 

Starfire looked at him strangely "It is indeed most beautiful for me, friend Robin, for it is very unlike the sunrises on Tamaran. But surely you are used to them?"

Robin shook his head "not really Star. In Gotham City, it's rare to see the sunrise. Tall buildings, smoke or pollution usually block the horizon. And even if you do find a clear spot, that same pollution means the sunrise looks weird- heck, most days the sun looks blood red all day long."

Starfire paused, unsure if she should say what was on her mind. "Gotham does not sound like a very pleasant place."

Robin grimaced. "It isn't Star. Gotham is ugly, dangerous, and dirty. Pollution fills the sky, despair fills the population, and scum fills the streets. I once heard the new mayor say that Jump City represents everything people hope to become- well, Gotham is everything we're afraid we really are."

Starfire shivered. "I hope you never have to go back"

Robin nodded and slowly began strolling towards the western ledge of the Tower roof "There's really only one scenario I can think of where I would go back. If something happened to Batman, I'd have to go back to Gotham and help out. Now, let's move on to your training Star. You did the right thing at the bridge- it's our first duty to rescue civilians, even if it might be a trap. But you weren't flying as fast as should have been- that thing almost hit the water and for a real baby that would have been fatal. So we're going to work on that." And with that he spread his arms and fell backwards off the edge of the roof.

The alien girl gasped and rocketed over the side, and glancing down she saw her leader headed for the rocks. She flew after him and swept him up in her arms a few feet from one particularly jagged looking rock. She deposited at the center of the rooftop and landed to stand beside him

"Friend Robin! What were you thinking! If I had not been in time-!"

"Yup, so lets hope you're as lucky this time!" And the Boy Wonder raced to the edge and leapt over. Again Starfire flew after him and caught him, even closer to the rocks this time.

"Too close, Star. We'll work on that though." 

"I…am confused. This is to be my training?"

"Yup. The way I figure it, this will improve your reaction time, your flight speed, and your rescuing skills."

Starfire's first impulse was to protest that she needed no practice in any of those areas. She was already a superb flyer, with a speed that surpassed that of virtually all other Tamaranians. Her reaction time was fine, normally. It was just that seeing a madman threaten your belov- your friend is not good for concentration. She had honed her rescuing skills through a number of succesful acts of heroism. On the other hand… she was essentially being asked to spend the day flying around with Robin in her arms. Why should she argue?

- - - - - - - - 

The sparring began with Raven's signature chant "Azerath Metrion Zinthos!" causing the nearby freeweights and miscellaneous exercise equipment to be encased in black energy and rise into the air. Cassie waited, tensing her muscles, ready to dodge whatever came her way. She didn't have long to wait, as a 20lb dumbell soon caming hurtling at her head. She dodged left, and then right to avoid a medicine ball flying at stomach height.

Raven was inwardly pleased with how things were going. The vigilante couldn't keep moving forever, while Raven could keep this up all day. Telekinesis was a very simple power for her to use, and required little of her energy- unless she was lifting something like a car. But yesterday's experience had shown the Titans the dangers of underestimating an opponent- so, despite her certainty in victory, she lifted herself off the ground to hover at about fifteen feet up.

Meanwhile, Cassie continued dodging and weaving around flying weights and equipment. She remembered what Bruce-sensei had taught her about fighting a superior opponent- play for time and wait for your opponent to make a mistake. They always did, you only had to exploit it correctly. A huge barbell came at her, flying at head height. 'Mistake.' She thought and made her move.

Cassie leapt into the air, and planted her foot in the center of the bar. Using the barbell as a springing point, she leapt as haigh as she could, and unleashed a savage roundhouse kick directly into Raven's face. The empath had just enough time to register the attack and widen her eyes before the impact sent her sailing into the wall behind her. She slid down and lay unconscious.

The next thing she was aware of was a feeling of wetness and someone calling her name. Someone very familiar. "Rae, Rae, come on back to us Rae." It was Beastboy.

"She okay? I no mean hit so hard, not want hurt her." That was her opponent, who sounded- worried?

Cyborg's voice answered "I think she'll be okay, Cass, her brainwaves are stable. She'll have a pretty nasty headache though. I wouldn't worry about it; you fought fair."

"She hate me now. I stupid! Batman teach always pull blow, never hurt too much, but I too stupid!" The girl sounded like she was on the verge of tears. Raven was moved- that her rival for Beastboy should care so much about her. She resolved to be worthy of that caring.

Raven forced her eyes open, and winced at the light. Cyborg was right, she DID have a fierce headache. "Grnnnh. Don't worry about it, friend. We were supposed to go all-out, or we don't improve. I'm used to treating injuries following sparring. Just never thought I'd be the injured one is all. Oh, and Cassie? (sigh)You won"

The asian heroine smiled. She hadn't lost a friend and she'd won Beastboy for Christmas Eve. 'I do this right, I get Garfield all rest of year!'

"okay you guys" Cyborg said snapping the medi-scanner back into his left arm "Robin said to train so lets train. Rae, think you can manage the treadmills for a while? I doubt you're ready for another match with Cassie" Raven nodded. "Good, and Cassie, you work the combat bags. Grass stain, get back to running!"

"Ah crap" the changeling grunmbled before taking off at high speed, his best friend hot on his tail.

- - - - - - - - 

On the roof, rescue training was winding down. They'd been at it for almost two hours, and frankly Robin believed the training had accomplished its goal an hour ago. But he was enjoying making Starfire blush as she caught him- normally she made HIM blush with innocuous comments and questions (he would never forget the day he had to explain pornography to her after she'd been online). He'd noticed that if he went limp, or if he shifted his weight just so she blushed harder. He'd made a seemingly-innocent comment that the position she had him in was the bridal position and her face turned completely red. Still, all good things come to an end, and Robin felt it was time to return to the gym for more conventional training.

"Okay, Star, that's enough. You've improved quite a bit today. I've got to go on Patrol again in a few hours- why don't you come with me?"

Starfire, who had enjoyed spending so much time with Robin (and being so close to him), nodded "Yes, I believe I shall." The Titans had taken to patrolling in pairs since Joker's arrival. It wasn't official- Robin knew he couldn't order someone to go out twice a week on patrol. But he was extremely proud that his team had voluntarily begun doing so. Admittedly, it resulted in Beastboy running three Patrols a week- his own, with Raven and with Cassie- but the green boy wasn't complaining. Robin couldn't bring himself to ruin the spirit of togetherness by making it mandatory- so he let it stand and patrolled with Starfire whenever possible. It was as close to dating as they were likely to come, and he intended to enjoy it as long as he could.

"come on Star, let's go to the gym. We've got another two hours of training to do."

- - - - - - - - - - - - 

Finally, training was concluded, and the Titans (with the exception of Robin and Batgirl) limped to the kitchen for lunch. Everyone was sore and hurting, as they had all pushed themselves to the limit. No one complained though- memories of the Joker's recent victory were still fresh in everyone's minds.

"Oh man I didn't think it was possible for cybernetics to ache but they do! Luckily, me an' Star figured we'd need to regain our strength and prepared an awesome lunch for us. Something strong enough to stand up to the most mostrous appetite! Starfire, would you do the honors?" the metal man bowed from the waist and extended one hand to the Tamaranian princess, who took it with a curtsy, just as they had practiced.

"Certainly friend Cyborg. Presenting the fruit of our labors… a homemade triple-meat pizza, with chili fires! And for friend Beastboy, who does not eat the flesh, we have a large salad and a tofu-chili!" The vegetarian alternative had been Starfire's idea- she did not want her friend to feel left out.

The meal was consumed with gusto, and then the young heroes went about their normal routines. Beastboy Cyborg and Robin went to play video games, Cassie and Starfire headed for the mall and Raven went to meditate. Before going however, Cassie and Raven gave Beastboy a kiss on the cheek, and gave one another a vicious glare.

"Rob, you're up first" Cyborg said, tossing the control to the spiky-haired hero "Professor Cyborg's about to take you to school." Behind them, Beastboy flopped onto the couch and lay unmoving. Risking a glance while the game loaded, Cyborg asked the obvious question. "You all right, broccoli boy? You've been a lot less hyper the last couple days." 

"Dudes, those girls are gonna be the death of me! If I'm not taking them out on dates, I'm joining them on patrol or watching them try to be friends while they both try to get me to pick them! I'm worn out! Frazzled! At my wits end! I'm-"

"Okay! Geez! Calm down, man, calm down! Y'know a month ago you were miserable because you had no one at all, now you're miserable because you've got too many!" Robin said, a little annoyed. "Meanwhile me and Cyborg have none!"

"Okay, dude. One, I wasn't miserable when I had no girlfriend- I was a little lonely but not desperate" Robin and Cyborg sweatdropped, remembering the way Beastboy had behaved in Japan "Two, yes I am miserable with too many because (a) they're acting like two dogs with a bone (and yes I know thats a bad comparison and please please don't ever tell them I said that), and (b) one of them's gonna get hurt. And finally, Robin, you have one you're just too stubborn or bone-stupid to do anything about it!"

"What! Listen you-" Robin dropped his controller and whirled on Beastboy. The subject of him and Starfire was a sensitive one and Beastboy wasn't allowed to make fun.

"Both of you chill out before I get the girls in here to send you to the corner! Damn! Listen, BB, you need some guy time. I'm talkin' a whole day of it. Listen, tomorrow after training you, me and Robbie will head to the mall to finish our shopping. Then we'll go to a movie, get some grub, and finish the day off right at the MegaLand Arcade! All 100 percent estrogen free! You guys interested?"

Beastboy considered it. He DID need a break from Cassie and Raven, and a little quality time with other men was long overdue. "SOunds like a plan dude. Truly, you are a font of wisdom and sageness. Whataya say, Rob?"

"I'd say sageness isn't a word" Robin said, still a little stung by the green boy's earlier comments. Still, he too could use some guy time- it seemed he rarely had any fun with the other male Titans at all. That struck him as odd, considering how close he'd been to his male friends in Gotham. "Yeah, sure. But training first, and all plans are temporary- if Joker makes a move that's our priority, got it?"

Both Cyborg and Beastboy snapped to attention, salutes and all "SIR! YES SIR!". Robin felt a vein in his forehead throb.

"one last thing" he said "I'm not telling the girls."

Cyborg smirked. "Leave it to me Rob-o"

- - - - - - - - - 

The rest of the day proceeded as normal. Robin and Starfire patrolled together twice, and had agreed to do the night patrol together as well. Raven's meditation yielded no results as far as the Joker Factor was concerned- all her emotions were equally puzzled by this turn of events, but spent a great deal of time going over the memory of Beastboy's butt. Cassie and Starfire had purchased a number of 'casual' outfits for the Gothamite- Batman's training had not run to fashion.

The Titans (minus Cyborg) were sitting down to dinner- with less enthusiasm then they'd shown at lunch since it was Robin's turn to cook. Robin's meals were nutritionally balanced and perfectly healthy- high in nutrients and energy but low in fat. They were also bland and unappealing, being meant to be body fuel rather than fine dining. The Titans were about to eat when a trumpet fanfare issued from the doorway.

Cyborg stood in the door, and the music was coming from his arm. When it stopped, he pulled out an old-fashioned scroll and read aloud- in an extrememly pompous British accent- the following:

"Be it known that we the Monarch of Mechanics, the Count of Cool, the Archduke of Awesomeness, and Knight of the Kitchen- hearafter known to our vassals as Cyborg- do hereby order our Prime Minister Robin and our Court Jester BeastBoy a day of rest, relaxation and basking in the royal presence. Since our Fool has exhausted himself entertaining two of our female vassals, and since our Prime Minister is bereft of willpower in the presence of our other female vassal, be it known that this outing shall be reserved exclusively for men. To our female subjects, we extend our royal greetings and an invitation to partake of a similar outing in another part of the realm. May God bless our glorious majesty, and our mighty realm."

He rolled up his scroll and looked at his 'subjects'

Starfire and Cassie simply looked blank, Raven looked irked at being referred to as a vassal. Beastboy looked angry at being called Jester and Fool, while Robin simply enjoyed the show. Feeling rather sheepish, the metal man spoke again. "Er... Me, Beastboy and Robin will be going out tomorrow after training. Guys only, cuz Cassie and Raven have nearly frazzled the green dude, and because Robin gets distracted around Starfire."

Raven turned to Beastboy "is this true? Have we been annoying you?"

Beastboy shook his head wildly, with an animals instinct for avoiding traps "NO! No! you girls are terrific, its just... I need some guy time, y'know?"

Cassie spoke up. "Not understand all of what Cyborg say, but it ok with me. Maybe we girls go out?"  
Starfire clapped her hands and bounced in her seat "Oh glorious! We shall have the Girls Day out! It is settled!"

A/N

Longish. Joker and plot twist next time!

Jimmy exposition sez: Try your waitress, tip the author and review the veal!


	22. Chapter 22

Harley Quinn watched as the henchmen set up the Christmas tree in the main room of the hideout. It was a huge fir tree, newly taken from someone's backyard and still smelling of sap- they'd gotten it just in time, with a mere two days before Christmas. It was also a gift to her from her Mista J- he'd given in to her pleas for some sort of celebration, and gotten her this. She had asked for a menorah too but a few slaps across the face had reminded her not to be greedy. It was all right, any gift from him was precious- and Chanukah was long over anyway. She'd just wanted one because it reminded her of lighting the candles with her family way back when she was Harleen Quinzell. But, as always, Mista J had been right- she wasn't Harleen anymore.

She sighed as she thought of all the beautiful lights and ornaments she had stolen over the last few days- she would decorate the tree herself and show it to her Puddin. She knew he'd appreciate it, and maybe she could make up for giving him that damn toy yesterday. He'd been up all night talking (not raving, never raving) about that toy and the Brat-Who-Would-Be-King.

As she placed the special lights and decorations she sighed a little, thinking of her bestest buddy Red. Red hated Christmas trees, unless they were in a forest or something. In fact the entire Christmas season tended to make her crazy- mistletoe and Christmas trees and bouquets and perfumes and centerpieces and all the rest of it. Seeing Christmas shoppers could send ol' Red into a crime spree and Red in righteous-fury mode was always fun to watch. Harley suddenly felt sad- she missed Red and Catty and Professor Crane and all her other friends in Gotham. She wouldn't trade a Christmas with her Puddin' for anything in the world but she still missed Gotham.  
She smiled remembering Christmas at the Iceberg- when all the Rogues were together (those not in Arkham or Blackgate) and a truce was called. The big dinner they all shared- not even the mad like to be alone on the holidays. Then someone would try to get Mister Freeze to sing Frosty the Snowman or that Snow Miser song, while Jervis Tetch handed out novelty hats (after Oswald had inspected them for control chips). Then, if Puddin' was free, it was off to attend to whatever brilliant plan he had for that night. Puddin' always worked on Christmas Eve, bringing smiles to all of Gotham City- he was so selfless. If the pair of them were already in Arkham then it'd be Christmas in the common room with whoever was around-not Puddin' though, since those meanies didn't let him out of his cell on Christmas. And if she were out but bereft of Mista J then she'd go to Red's. The pair of them would do a little holiday "shopping" until Batman showed up. Good times, good times.

Finally, the tree was finished. Immediately she sprang to her feet and raced to the door to the lab, where Mista J was working. She pounded on the door and yelled "Puddin'! Puddin'! Come and- OOOF!"

A fist smashed into her cheek in a powerful punch that spun her around. The Joker shoved his face to within an inch of hers and growled "How many times have I told you not to interrupt me!" 

Harley sniffed and said in a quiet voice "I finished decoratin' the tree Mista J. I just wanted ta show you"

The Joker mentally calculated whether it would be easier to see the damn tree or just ignore his moll. Unfortunately, he needed Harley's cooperation for the first phase of Operation Beast-Bash and he needed her at he best. Weepy Harley (or beaten Harley) didn't perform as well. So he had no choice but to roll his eyes and follow her into the living area. He expected to find the damn tree weighted down with every tacky, sickeningly sweet ornament on the market. What he actually found surprised him.

The tree was covered with homemade ornaments. Black spheres with bits of wine attached for bombs, white ornaments painted to resemble twisted clowns with fang-filled smiles. Upon tiny nooses hung superhero action figures, here and there, their eyes covered with Xs. At the very top of the tree was a large Joker figure- clad not in angels robes but in the crown and vestments of a king- holding the severed head of a Batman doll.

"It's perfect." He muttered, unaware he'd spoken aloud. Harley's eyes lit up and she hopped up and down. The Joker stood for a moment, looking at this arboreal tribute to him and his work, then spun round to kick his girl square in the gut. She collapsed into a ball on the floor. "But no excuse for disturbing my work."

He went back to his desk, on which were plans for various torments and a telephone. He'd set his best thugs the task of finding the shape-changing punk, and was awaiting their reports. They were stationed all across this horrible town, at places the Teeny Tots were known to frequent. Now he just had to wait.

- - - - - - - - 

That days training was at least as grueling as the precious days- with every Titan determined to 'earn' their afternoon off. Finally, a little before noon- after four hours of intense activity- Robin called a halt and told everyone to get lunch.

Lunch had been 'prepared' by Raven, which meant that she'd paused in her training an hour before to order pizza. Not that anyone was complaining. Not that anyone dared- the last time Raven had 'cooked' Beastboy and Cyborg had both wound up in the hospital- and Cyborg didn't even have an organic stomach!

Besides, they enjoyed pizza. At the end of the meal, the boys and the girls split off.

The boys headed to the Jump City Mall, intent on finishing their shopping. Naturally, they had already bought their main presents several weeks before. Now they just needed stocking stuffers. The mall was, naturally enough, a chaotic scrum- the normally placid and friendly citizens of Jump City were all ready to murder one another for the best merchandise. Despite being "off duty" the Titans had to break p several fistfights and disarm one man who'd pulled a knife trying to get that years hot toy. However, once it spread that the city's heroes were in the mall, the citizens quieted somewhat. They took the opportunity to watch their protectors go about their daily lives.

Meanwhile, the boys tried to do their shopping while ignoring those who stared at them. They shopped together, not willing to get separated in so crowded a place as this. Besides, the stocking stuffers were mainly for the girls- Cassie and Starfire were so new to Christmas that they still put up stockings, and had somehow managed to convince Raven to do the same. So it wasn't as though the boys had to keep their gifts a secret. Still, it wasn't easy shopping when everyone was looking at you.

One young man in particular was watching Beastboy intently. He pulled out a cell phone ad began dialing.

"Boss? Yeah, its me, Curly Joe. He's at the mall, buyin'… what looks like makeup. What? Uh, lipstick looks like. Huh? Nah he ain't trying it on, boss, so I don't…Right, boss, sorry boss. No, I don't think we can make the snatch now, his little friends are with him. Robin and the metal one, boss. Right boss, I'll keep watchin'"

Finally the Titans finished their shopping and, with a great deal of effort, made their way to the movie theater.

"Hmmm.. "He Spits on Your Grave", "Ninja Nightmare II", "The Man who Laughs", or "Hauntings". Looks like a tough choice, huh?" Cyborg said as he read the marquee.

As always, Robin made the tough call. "Well, with the Joker around, I've seen enough laughing men thanks. We haven't seen Ninja Nightmare I yet and I heard the sequel doesn't make much sense without it. So I guess we'll see "He Spits On Your Grave". Cool?" The other Titans nodded.

Two hours later, the heroes exited the theater, still talking about the movie.

"Oh man, the best part was when the guy slashed that girl's throat with the razor!" Robin enthused. "And said, 'red is so in this year!', totally awesome!"

"Nah, man. That part was good, I'll grant you" Cyborg countered "But it can't compare with that car chase. Remember when the bad guy swerved into the museum, and the hero had to follow?"

"Does anyone else think its weird we're cool with scenes in a movie that we have to prevent in real life?" Beastboy asked "I mean, if half that stuff really happened we'd be franticly trying to put a stop to it."

Robin scratched his chin. "You know, it IS strange that we're so interested in violent movies, what with the lives we lead. I mean, we've seen the results of stuff like this happening in real life."

"Chill, guys" Cyborg replied, unwilling to spoil the outing with shop-talk. "It's a movie- we're mature enough to know the difference between fact and fiction."  
Meanwhile, 'Curly Joe' was still following them. His post was the mall and everything it contained. He couldn't afford to lose them- he was NOT going back to the Joker to report that the green kid got away from him. He'd heard what had happened to Harpo. He sighed with relief when he saw them leaving the mall- Joker didn't want the brats thinking someone was tailing them around town so each henchman was assigned a post. When the brats left the area, they were no longer his responsibility.

- - - - -  
Dinner was had at an All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet, which satisfied all parties since it had meat for Cyborg, vegetarian cuisine for Beastboy and was healthy enough for Robin. The meal was largely uneventful, and not all that good. The boys rushed through the subpar food, eager to reach the highpoint of their day: the MegaLand Video Arcade.

The arcade was on the other side of the city, so the teenaged heroes were in for a lengthy drive. Beastboy was up front, having called shotgun immediately upon exiting the restaurant, yet Cyborg couldn't help but note that his buddy seemed down. "What's up, Lime Lad? You still seem depressed. Guy time not helpin'?"

Beastboy shook his head "I feel loads better dude, but I still have to choose between Raven and Cassie. How do I do that? Raven's opening up to me like never before and if I dump her, who knows how much damage it'll do. But Cassie's never really had friends outside the BatClan and dumping her might cause at least as much harm." The changeling noticed the others looking at him strangely. "What?"

"BB" Robin said slowly "Are you trying to decide which girl you want to be with based on which one you think needs you more?"

Beastboy nodded uncertainly, not sure where they were going with this "Well, yeah. I mean, this isn't a normal situation. They're both really vulnerable, y'know?"

Cyborg pulled the car over to the side and turned to face his friend. He'd been afraid of something like this; Beastboy was just to goodhearted. "And ya think staying with one girl while you want to be with the other is really going to help them? B, apart from the fact that you'll be lying to both of 'em, ya gotta think about yourself and what's right for you."

"Cyborg right" Robin agreed "This is about what you want, Beastboy. If you pick a girl based on their needs and not yours, you're just martyring yourself. You won't be happy, and neither will she - and you'll have thrown away a chance at something good. Just think about it, and you'll know what to do."

The changeling closed his eyes for a few moments, and then smiled. "You're right! I DO know who to choose!" Beastboy was silent for a moment, then said "Thanks guys. I guess I knew that all along, but I just needed to hear it. I didn't feel right being selfish, and… well I guess I just needed someone to say it was okay. C'mon let's go."

"Wait a minute grass stain" Cyborg said "Who'd ya pick?"

Beastboy smirked "You'll find out soon enough, now drive Rust-Bucket!"

Cyborg just fumed. "Lousy dramatic tension."

A/N

I'm not Christian so Harley's holiday reverie (or anything else in this chapter) isn't an accurate depiction of whatever it is you do on Christmas, blame her not me. Actually, come to that, she's not Christian either… Anyway, I added it because I like to think about the day-to-day life of Gotham's Rogues. Maybe when I finish this I'll do a bit of that, what do you think?  
Some of you may have noticed that this story is now classified as Beastboy centric. Basically, I wanted more people to read this- not as part of some fiendish plot to dominate the world via subtle subliminal messages implanted with this fic. Of course not. No subliminal (OBEY) messages in this (ME) fic. Nosirree,

Anyway, it was hard to pick one Titan as I've been trying to give them all their share of attention- especially Cyborg since he's usually ignored. But I settled on the Green Guy for a reason. Now, Beastboy may seem an odd choice- especially since he won't be active for most of the rest of this story. However, his ABSENCE will be critical to the plot.

Incidentally, The Man Who Laughs was a real film AND it was from that film that Bob Kane got the idea for The Joker. In my opinion it deserves an academy award for that alone.


	23. Chapter 23

**R?**

With the burning issue of Beastboy's lovelife clearly settled for the nonce, the T-car pulled back onto the main road and resumed its journey to the MegaLand Arcade. The car was silent until Beastboy spoke up. "Y'know, Rob, I've been thinking about what happened on the bridge and, well, I can't see how we could have done things any better. Seems like the Joker would've beaten us no matter what."

Robin nodded "He's a dangerous opponent, as I've been saying for a month now. Frankly, we were lucky no one was seriously hurt."

"Say Rob" Cyborg said "Did you ever beat Joker? On your own I mean, no Batman?"

Robin desperately wished he didn't have to answer that question "Once. Just once. It was a few years ago, back in Gotham, just about this time of year. I'd been fighting a whole bunch of thugs- tough guys too- and was getting hammered when this car pulls up and the passenger door opens. Now, I was completely outnumbered and in pretty bad shape, so I figured it was best to escape and come back later with reinforcements. I jump into the car and slam the door, and the driver takes off. I turn to thank him and guess who it is?"

Beastboy gasped "No way! Holy out-of-the-frying-pan into-the-fire, Robin!"

Robin's eye twitched "We've talked about those jokes, Beastboy. Do you WANT me to order you to wear the Doom Patrol mask into battle? I will if I have to."

"Shutting up." 

"Good. Anyway, he turns to me with this big grin on his face and says ' S'up? ; All I can think is that I'm dead. This is the Joker, who killed my predecessor as Robin. I'm hurt, I'm tired, I've no communicator on me, and I'm stuck in the car with the most dangerous maniac in Gotham City."

"Whoa" Cyborg said, shivering a little at every heroes nightmare- to be helpless "What did you do?"

"Well, he started talking about how he was going to kill me and at some point he quoted a Marx Brothers film. I somehow drew him into an argument about which film the quote was from; he said it was from Cocoanuts while I claimed it was from A Night At the Opera. He got so involved in the argument that I was able to sucker punch him and kick him out the door. He fell what must have been two or three stories…shame he made it…"

"WAITWAITWAIT! WHOA!" Beastboy flailed his arms and turned to look at his leader sternly. "do you mean to tell me that all these years we could have been watching the Marx Brothers and doing the whole male bonding thing? Dude when this is over we gotta date with Groucho, Harpo, Chico and to a lesser extent Zeppo."

"Deal" Robin smiled. He rarely spent any time with Beastboy and had always felt vaguely bad about that. 'Looks like I'll finally get my chance to fix that' he thought as he leaned back.

- - - - - -  
Located inside one of the smaller malls, the arcade was two stories of electronic entertainment. The entire place was awash in flashing lights of many colors, and the air was filled with the tinny sounds of many pixels dying violent deaths. It was, in a word, paradise. At least to the three boys standing in the doorway, tears shimmering in their eyes.

"It-It's beautiful." Beastboy said, his voice choked with emotion "It's everything I dared hope."

"When I die" Cyborg said, clasping his hand in front of him "Just bring what's left here and leave it."

Robin overcame his emotion quickly and took in the situation with a keen, practiced tactician's eye. "Beastboy, scout out the games. I want to know where the best ones are and what lines are like; make fighters and racing games your priority. Cyborg, that food was lousy- find both the snack bar AND the washrooms. I want to be ready for anything. I'll go get us change and we'll all meet back here in exactly seven minutes. TITAN'S! GO!"

chance to remedy that

- - - 

Seven minutes later Robin and Cyborg met up at the entrance. "Okay Rob, the snack bar is off to the left past what looks like a TRULY sweet fighting game, while the restrooms are in the back- and yes, there is plenty of paper."

"Good work Cyborg. I've got thirty dollars worth of quarters so once Beastboy gets back with his scouting report we can start the fun."

After a further five minutes it became apparent that the green boy was not coming. Robin began to do a slow burn, and smoke curled from his head. "Beastboy…when I get a hold of you…Fine. The fun will begin once we've found and punished Beastboy. TI- er, Cyborg…go?" he trailed off, unsure what to do when not commanding a team. Cyborg simply rolled his human eye and went off in search of his teammate.

After twenty minutes of searching the two heroes had found nothing. No sign of their green teammate could be found in the arcade, nor could anyone remember seeing him. This last was odd since people usually remembered seeing the shapeshifting hero, or failing that 'the weird green dude in the purple suit with one fang who wouldn't stop talking'. The search continued until one of the Arcade workers approached the Titans.

"Uh, excuse me sirs. One of our customers turned this into the Lost and Found. I take it its one of yours?" He held up a Teen Titans Communicator Badge "The guy said that he found it on one of the machines. He seemed very concerned that it get to its proper owners. Oh, and- uh, on a personal note, I'd like to say thanks to you guys for all you've done for our city."

Robin, though inwardly furious, forced a smile and made the standard 'think nothing of it citizen' speech. When the attendant was gone he turned to Cyborg and growled "I'm going to murder Beastboy and bury whatever's left of him in a landfill. And before you say anything remember- I'm Batman's apprentice; I know how to make a body disappear. TWO bodies if need be."

"Whoa, Rob" Cyborg said, raising his hands defensively, not at all sure his leader was kidding "You're overreacting"

"Overreacting?!" Robin hissed "Cyborg, not only did he ditch us at the arcade but he forgot his communicator as well! What if there'd been an emergency and we needed him? Or what if that thing had fallen into the wrong hands –imagine what the Joker could do with it!" 

Cyborg rubbed his head and smiled "Ah c'mon Rob. Beastboy just decided the whole Raven versus Cassie thing; you know him. He probably figured the right thing to do would be to tell the girls ASAP and in the excitement he dropped his communicator. It happens. You gonna tell me you never made a bonehead move because of a girl?"

Robin tried to hold onto his anger but failed. "Yeah, you're probably right. Still, he's got to be more careful with these things. C'mon, lets go watch him end the Battle for the Beast. Ten bucks on Cassie." 

"You're on Traffic Light/"

- - - - - - - - - 

The Titan Girls Night In had not progressed as Starfire hoped. First, the traditional viewing of movies had been canceled since the three girls could not agree on what to watch. Raven wanted to see an experimental art film, Cassie wanted to see a martial arts epic, and Starfire wanted to watch a Disney cartoon. In the interests of peace, they had decided to forgo the movie. Boardgames proved to be no better as Raven and Starfire couldn't agree on a game, and Batgirl didn't know how to play the games anyway.

Finally, they decided to simply have girl talk, while Starfire gave Cassie a makeover. Due to the tension regarding the Battle for the Beast, Starfire wound up doing most of the talking.

Eventually the talk progressed to Robin. Raven, sitting in a corner watching the makeover with no small measure of amusement, asked a question she'd been meaning to bring up for quite some time. "Starfire, I don't get it. How can you just casually accept Robin's refusal to acknowledge your feelings?"

Cassie turned to Starfire (Undoing all the work the alien girl had put into her hairstyle) "What she mean? What Tim do?"

Starfire sighed "Truly, it is nothing. Robin simply explained to me that due to his role as Titan's leader, he cannot have a relationship with me. I fail to see what I can do to change his mind, so I accept it."

The girl from Gotham gave a distinctly unladylike snort "So that his excuse."

Starfire raised an eyebrow "You do not believe him to be lying do you friend Cassie?"

"No, think Robin believe that. Robin can never have relationship with someone, because Robin only crime fighter- is his life. Tim Drake CAN have relationship but still hurting from Stephanie"

Starfire felt herself becoming angry "Who is Stephanie?" was there another girl after Robin?

Now Cassie seemed genuinely angry "He not even tell you that?" With a sigh she gave a brief history of Stephanie Brown alias the Spoiler. How she had been the daughter of a second rate villain called the Cluemaster, who had taken up a heroic identity to foil her father. How she had become involved with a certain young crimefighter and of her untimely torture and death at the hands of Black Mask.

Starfire felt close to weeping now. "So that is why Robin can not love me, he is still in love with her"

Cassie shook her head. "Not think so. Stephanie tell me before she…before she die that she and Tim drifting. Relationship not going anywhere- no love. Tim not over Stephanie because he Robin- Robin not hurt over girls. Robin cannot be in relationship because Robin not real person. "

"I fear I am confused"

Raven, who had listened carefully to the whole story intervened "I think I do. What I think Cassie is saying is that Rob- TIM, never allowed himself to grieve over this Stephanie girl. He never mourned her, and so he never got over her., because he found the pain of her death to be too great. So instead he buried himself completely in the role of Robin- and that's all it is, a role. ROBIN is not a real person, he's an identity; a mask used to fight crime. Tim Drake is hiding behind that mask to avoid the pain and so long as he does he can never move on with his life." Cassie simply nodded.

Starfire was horrified "But this is most unhealthy! On Tamaran we know that only through mourning can we make peace with the departed and continue with life. I must help Robin-no. I must help Tim to confront his feelings and grieve."

A loud beeping from the mailroom, indicating that a package had been delivered, halted the conversation. All mail to the Tower arrived via pneumatic tube, and was subjected to numerous automatic checks and scans to ensure that no bombs, poisons, or boobytraps made their way into the Tower. Therefore, the girls felt perfectly at ease opening the package. What they found confused and disturbed them.

Lying inside a plain shoebox wrapped in brown paper was a doll. A Beastboy plush doll to be specific- however the hands had been cut off and the mouth covered in crude Xs, as though the lips had been sewn shut. Also inside was a small white envelope, but where the package had been addressed to 'the Teen Titans' the envelope was labeled 'to Robin'.

"What do you suppose this means?" Raven said, holding the doll at arms length. "Maybe theirs an answer in the envelope."

"It is addressed to Robin. We should not open it; he is most protective of his mail"

Raven simply shrugged. This was a minor mystery and she could wait for it to resolve itself.

- - - - - - - - - 

"Unh" Beastboy groaned "Dude, what happened?" he remembered going off to scout the arcade, then having something smelly pressed into his face, then nothing at all. He opened his eyes and winced at the pain- slowly he eased them open. This was the weirdest room he'd ever seen- half of it looked like a cozy breakfast nook, with a purple upholstered booth and a wooden table. The other half (the half he was in) looked like a dungeon, complete with various torture devices. He also noted that he was chained down, spread-eagled and unable to move. He also couldn't change form.

"Ah, you're awake" came a somewhat familiar voice from the shadowy corner. Beastboy's mind was a little hazy right now but he was sure he'd heard that voice before.

"Hey, man, don't you know it's rude to talk while hiding? And why am I here?" he didn't bother asking why he was chained down in a torture chamber- that part was pretty obvious.

The figure emerged from the shadows and confirmed Beastboy's worst fears. The Joker leapt form his place in the corner and landed with a leg on either side of the boy's chest. He thrust his pale face down so that their noses were touching. He spoke then, in a hushed tone :

"Hello. I've been waiting such a long time to meet you privately. We don't know each other very well, but that's going to change. We're going to have such a LOT of fun together…you and I. Heh heh heh heh ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Inside Beastboy felt his blood go chill. He was trapped, helpless, and at the mercy of the Joker.

'Why didn't my horoscope warn me about this?'


	24. Chapter 24

**R?**

The T-Car approached the tower, with the two young heroes still arguing over which girl Beastboy would pick. Both of them were rooting for 'their' girl- the one they felt closest to. Cyborg was adamant in his belief that Raven would triumph "Man, they hung out all the time even before they started going out! And he was always trying to make her laugh, remember?"

Robin shook his head "Yeah, and I remember how that usually turned out for him. A vicious insult, a threat, or bodily harm; frankly I always wondered if he wasn't a bit of a masochist. Cassie's never been anything but nice to him and also- look I love Raven like a sister but the girl's got some serious emotional baggage. I don't mean little carry-on totebag emotional baggage; I mean Jethro-Clampett-Moving-to-Bever-Lee emotional baggage. Her father issues alone...Plus, y'know she's part-demon. I'm not prejudiced or anything, you know me- but what about, y'know, when they get intimate? I just keep thinking mate-then-kill."

Cyborg shook his head "And they let you run a team of heroes. Weren't you ever in sixth grade? Neither one of em's too emotionally mature- teasing and insults were their way of flirting. Although between you and me I thank god nightly that that nonsense is over. As for emotional baggage, well I think Cassie's a sweet kid and a good friend but I don't think she's exactly Miss Emotional Balance either. And I don't think you want to bring father issues into this discussion; at least Raven's Big Bad Dad is gone. God only knows what that Cain dude'd do if he found out Beastboy was dating his daughter -slash- killing machine."

"Wait a minute here Cy" Robin said putting a hand to his head. "Are we actually arguing about theoretical romantic pairings? Have we actually sunk that low?"

Cyborg's human eye bugged out. "Oh my GOD! We've turned into fanboys! We're turning into CONTROL FREAK!!" He began waving his hands wildly "I can't turn into Control Freak! I won't be able to fit in the T-Car!"

"Cyborg! Get. A. Grip. We are going to stop talking about this, we will forget this conversation ever occurred, and we will simply deal with whatever choice Beastboy has made. And most importantly, we make sure we're there for whichever girl loses out."

- - - - - - 

The two heroes walked into the Common room to find Starfire, Raven and Cassie sitting on the floor in pajamas. They seemed to be examining a mutilated plush doll of Beastboy- that was fairly disturbing in itself. Add in the fact that Gotham's mightiest teen vigilante was wearing pink Hello Kitty PJs and a half-demon sported a powder blue bathrobe and the scene went from disturbing to darkly surreal.

"Uh hey girls. Where's Beastboy?"

Raven turned to look at the metal man "Wasn't he with you?"

"Yeah he WAS, but then he decided which one of you gets stuck with him, and I guess he came back here rather than wait to settle things. That's what we figure anyway, right Rob?"

Robin, meanwhile was still staring at the doll in Cassie's hands. He had a horrible feeling when he looked at it and he didn't know why. It wasn't as though the Titan's didn't get all kinds of weird 'gifts' from their fans. He could still remember the girl who'd sent him her hair clippings every time she got a haircut, or the guy who'd sent Cyborg a hand-knitted seatbelt. But something about that doll seemed…odd. It had been mutilated so carefully, with the hands removed precisely at the wrists and the line of Xs across the mouth a perfect line. Most of the crazies didn't have the patience or the focus for that sort of attention to detail.

"Hey Cass," he said, sidling up to her "Where did you get that?"

"In mail. Package come. Envelope there for you." The girl said as she began making 'Beastboy' dance "Dude! I'm Beastboy! Love Tofu! Dude! Meat Murder! Come on, play video games!" Everyone laughed, because apart from the atrocious grammar, Cassie's impression was dead on. She sounded exactly like the green boy.

Robin felt the tensions start to ease out of him; he'd really needed a laugh. "Nice Cass, good to see Nightwing's lessons paid off."

"Paid off big" she responded in his voice "Very useful on phone. Very FUNNY on phone, especially to Barbara,"

"What the-?! You mean THAT'S why she was so angry at me last week?! Ok, nevermind, we'll talk about it later. Hand me the envelope; we'll see what this is all about before we find Beastboy."

As Robin reached for the envelope both Cassie and Raven felt their insides do a slow roll. By the end of the night they would finally have an answer. One would be with the boy she wanted the other would be alone. They felt great joy and great apprehension at the same time. Starfire shared in this feeling- she was always pleased to see others achieve their desires but she did not want to see a friend hurt.

Cyborg watched the girls, knowing too well what they would be thinking. He wanted to say something to make things easier, but until Beastboy arrived, there wasn't much he could do.

Robin sat down at the couch and opened the envelope. His face went extremely pale and his hand trembled as he pulled out what looked like a playing card. Starfire was the first to notice her leader's distress.

"Robin what..is.." her voice trailed off as Robin turned the card so that all the Titans could see it. On it was a smiling man in a belled cap- the Joker card.

"Guys- I think I know what happened to Beastboy"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

"You know, Beastboy, you should feel privileged. It isn't often a criminal mastermind of my stature takes the time and effort to personally kill a nobody like you. Ah ah ah, I know what you're going to say and you're right! You have had a number of accomplishments, but always as a member of a team. I'm not going to disparage that work- you put paid to that freak the Brain very nicely. By the by, any truth to that rumor about him and his monkey being more than partners? Don't know? Oh well." As the Joker spoke he circled Beastboy's bound form, his gaze never leaving the changeling

"The point is you've never really done anything on your own, have you. It's the difference between being a solid team player and being a superstar. I mean, take Robin- until he came out here all anyone knew about him was that he was the Bat's sidekick. Now? He's a major player in the caped circles. You? Not so much. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not the sort of villain who tells the hero it's all been for nothing- I'm the sort that inflicts a hideous death over a period of hours. But I digress- you're a spearcarrier in Robin's little army, kid. And you should be honored that I've decided to give you the star treatment!"

"If it's all the same to you, I'll pass. I'm sure you've got a very busy schedule, so if you'll just untie me I'll let you get back to being an insane slimeball in a bad suit." Beastboy hoped to enrage the Joker. All the reports said he had a short temper and could be goaded into making mistakes. To his surprise, the Joker threw back his head and roared with laughter.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Oh good show, GOOD SHOW! Pithy insults and jokes! That's one thing I do hate about Gotham- whenever you've got the Bat or any of his hangers-on in your clutches, the whole thing goes so serious! BO-RING! I like to see a bit of fun in my victims! Oh, I like you boy!"

"Like me enough to let me go?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! That's the spirit!" Suddenly, the madman was squatting beside Beastboy with a scalpel in his hand. "hold on to that morale, BB, because this is not going to be pleasant. Well, not for you anyway, I'm going to have a ball! HAHAHAHAHAA!" Quick as lightening he seized Beastboy's right hand and sliced off two fingers. Blood spurted, the boy screamed, and the Joker sighed. He looked much more at ease than he had a second ago. "Ah, yes, I've missed that. I haven't really let myself go since that fat fanboy and that was almost a month ago. Nothing like the smell of blood to get your appetite ready for dinner, eh Harley?"

The clown girl, who'd just arrived in the doorway, nodded "Nothin' at all Mista J. I always… MISTA J!! LOOK!" She pointed to Beastboy's hand, which again had five fingers. The Joker was momentarily struck dumb. As usual, Harley filled the silence.

"Ya know, Puddin', I remember readin' in university that some animals can grow back limbs. Maybe the brat can too."

The Joker slowly stood up, an expression of black joy on his face. "Oohhh, Harley. Do you know what this means? It means we have a plaything that will NEVER break. We can have all the fun we want. Ha ha ha ha hAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

A/N

Told you it was going to get dark. Expect scenes of creative cruelty in chapters to come.


	25. Chapter 25

**R?!**

The Titans were silent and unmoving for a moment, as they stared at the card in Robin's hand. They desperately tried to think of other explanations for the doll and the playing card. But, ultimately, they were forced to accept the truth. No one could mistake what the pile of evidence pointed to: their friend had been taken by the most twisted psychopath on the continent. Beastboy was helpless in the hands of the Joker- a nightmare scenario for anyone.  
Cassie was the first to recover from the shock. Leaping to her feet, she slapped the card from Robin's fingers. "We go find Beastboy. First 24 hours of kidnapping most important, no time to lose. TITANS-"

"Cassie, we can't just charge blindly off after Beastboy. For one thing, the city is vast and we can't search all of it. For another, there's a good chance that the Joker wants us to rush out. It's the sort of thing he's done before." Robin said, his voice uncertain. He knew better than anyone that Cassie was a powerful fighter, and often somewhat uncomplicated in her thinking. If something was threatening her or her friends, it had to be removed and that's all there was to it for her. Very often, that made her an extremely effective crime fighter; however in situations like this it could prove a hindrance. "We have to approach this calmly, and above all, logically. Remember Jason?"  
Cassie scowled blackly but nodded.  
"Robin, who is Jason" Starfire said, clearly trying to defuse the tension in the room "and what has he to do with this calamity?"

"Jason Todd was my predecessor as Robin. After his father died, he discovered that his birth mother was still alive. After weeks of searching, he and Batman managed to find her. She turned out to be a doctor working with the relief effort in Ethiopia, and the two were reunited. Unfortunately, Jason soon overheard her being blackmailed by the Joker- it seems she had been doing back-alley abortions in Gotham and one of her patients died. The Joker wanted several crates full of medical supplies including codeine, morphine, and antibiotics. Jason let his emotions overtake him- he confronted his mother and revealed his identity as Robin to her and offered to help. Instead she handed him over to the Joker who killed them both. Jason is a prime example of the dangers of giving in to your emotions- especially when dealing with the Joker."

Raven nodded "A lesson we should all take to heart, and one I've been preaching for years. We should sit down and think"

Frightened for the boy she liked (loved? She wasn't sure herself) Cassie whirled on her rival "Knew it. You not care. Never cared. Only reason you date him is because I like him."

Raven's eyes bulged and a lamp exploded "What?"

"You have years to ask Garfield out. He have crush on you from start. You do nothing but insult him. Hurt him. Laugh at him. Then all sudden, you like him, need to be with him? HA!" The vigilante's voice was tinged with bitterness- clearly this was something she'd been holding in for a while. That was fine with Raven- she'd been keeping some things back herself, trying to be friends.

"HA yourself. This is entirely your fault anyway. If you had kept your hormones in check, I'd have been the only one dating Beastboy- AS I PLANNED. He wouldn't have been so stressed, he wouldn't have needed guy time, and he wouldn't have been captured." Raven's eyes began to glow blood red as her temper rose.

"My fault? I ask him first! And you keep pressure him! Always run to him when felt bad, never try fix things yourself!" Cassie slid her body into a combat stance and balled her fists. 

CRASH! Both girls jumped and turned to see Cyborg with his fist embedded in the wall. "STOP IT! This is NOT the time for this petty shit! Jesus, Beastboy dreaded the thought of seeing either of you in pain; he always wanted everyone to be happy! And the first thing-the FIRST THING!- you two do when you hear he's been kidnapped is try to kill one another! Do ya think this is helping? Huh? Do you think blaming one another will bring him back- or maybe if you hit each other hard enough he'll appear to stop you?" By now both girls were thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Seeing this, Cyborg relented.

"Look, we're all worried for Beastboy and, in a sense, this is ALL our faults. Yes, if you girls hadn't pressured him he wouldn't have been out there. But me and Rob should've kept an eye on him, and ALL of us should have caught the Joker by now. So, we know whose fault it is now- Joker's. So let's move on to saving his little green butt, ok? Rob, any ideas?"

Robin shook his head "A thorough sweep of the city, sector by sector, street by street is all we can do. We can't split up- the Joker took advantage of that once already. We'll start with the industrial district- a lot of factory space is lying vacant and that's just the sort of place the Joker would find useful. We'll go in teams, me, Cassie and Cyborg on the ground, with Raven and Starfire in the air. While you search, tale the time to interrogate any criminals- we're looking for information about the Joker's whereabouts or failing that, a high-ranking member of his gang. Titans GO!"

- - - - - - - - 

In the torture chamber/breakfast nook, located beneath the Joker's brownstone hideout, the Clown Prince of Crime sat eating a bowl of Frooty Os in cola- his favorite snack when he needed sugar. It was now nine thirty at night, but the Joker had never felt bound to conventional meal times. He ate when he was hungry, and ate whatever he wanted (or had)- simple as that. As he ate, he gazed at the green boy who was chained to the wall.

Beastboy was desperately trying to transform. 'Elephant! Wallaby! Snake! Amoeba! ANYTHING! C'mon body, work with me here!'

He knew his powers were working- his regeneration of two fingers proved it. A few months ago, his healing abilities had started working overtime. He'd had Cyborg check him out- confidentially- and they came to the conclusion that the chemicals which triggered his transformation into the Beast had wrought other changes on him. One of these seemed to be a greatly accelerated healing ability- he healed cuts and bruises almost immediately, and greater injuries were repaired with inhuman speed. He'd decided to keep that quiet- both Raven and Robin had tempers and might take this as license to vent their frustration with him (this was before he and Raven had started dating). So, his powers were working but he was locked in his humanoid form.

Meanwhile the Joker finished his snack, and wiped his mouth with a handkerchief (purple, with a J monogrammed on the corner). "I suppose you're wondering why you can't just change into a fly, huh? Well, your little friend Starflyer or whatever told my Harley all about your little shape changing stunt- as well as your beastly secret identity. So, I poked around in the lab until I had something to counter you. I mean, you're pretty powerful for a mere spear-carrier, BB! It took some doing, but I managed it. Your powers are still active- you just can't consciously use them. So no shape changing for you, young man! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! " He walked over to a wall and began inspecting various blades. "So we can have all the fun we want without ever worrying about you behaving beastly. HAHAHAHAHAHAA!

Beastboy looked up sharply "Wait, why would Starfire tell Harley anything?"

Joker chuckled "Oh, she didn't tell Harley Quinn anything. She told it all to Peggy Liacci- juinor reporter for the Jump City Journal don't-cha-know. She gave one heck of an interview; abilities, weaknesses, likes, dislikes... why, I even know your favorite movie! I doubt I could have beaten you on the bridge without that valubale info... though I'm still scratching my head about the gray girl... " the Joker trailed off, and selected a scalpel. Running the tip of his finger along the blade, he continued speaking.

"Now, I know simple mutilation is a LIT-TLE passe, but Harley still isn't back with the...special things I told her to get, so we'll make do as best we can, right? Ooooh! This is going to be just like in one of those sitcoms- you know, where the two men are trying to fix something before the women come back, with hilarious results! Only, instead of fixing the sink I'm going to skin you alive! Now, hold still, or don't it's really (wait for it, wait for it)... no skin off my nose! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAA!!"

- - - - - - - - - -

An two hours later Harley walked into the hideouts kitchen, struggling with the weight of an extremely full kitbag. There was better than four hundred pounds of tools and equipment in the bag, and even her enhanced strength wasn't limitless. Plus, she'd been all over this town, looking for the components her Puddin' needed to properly punish the usurping brat. She was especially curious about what he planned for tomorrow- he'd promised her a Christmas she'd never forget, but she couldn't guess what that meant. The romantic part of her thought of candle-lit dinner, sensual massage, a night out dancing, or even a proposal. The more rational part of her (a relative term) foresaw torture, pain, and comedy. Either way, she was looking forward to fun fun FUN with her Puddin'.

She found him sitting at the kitchen table, soaked in blood, reading the funnies with his feet on the table. "You know, Harl, we should really pay a visit to some of these cartoonists. They need some motivation; I haven't gotten so much as a chuckle from anything here. Just the same old gas, or trite political observations, or sappy sweet kiddy antics."

"Read the Obituaries, Mista J" Harley said as she carefully placed the bag on the floor. "Ya can always read the Obituaries for some laughs"

"That's my Harley, always looking on the bright side. Did you get everything? The drills? The nails? The acid? The matches? The custard?"

"Yeppers" Harley said, smiling at the Joker's compliment "An' all the other stuff too. How did you spend the time, Puddin'? I know you hate waiting."

"Ah, Harley, always thinking of me. Good girl. I spent some quality time with our green friend, and I learned a great deal. Did you know that skin regrows all at once? Not in patches, but sort of rising up from the meat?"

"No, but it makes sense, I guess. Its just dead cells after all. Didja skin 'im, Mista ?"

Joker waved a hand dismissively "Only up to the shoulder- then the little baby passed out. What's the fun in hurting someone who isn't awake to enjoy it, am I right?" Harley nodded, but reflected that that had probably saved her life more than once. Whenever Mista J beat her into unconsciousness, he would stop- and by the time she woke up, he'd usually forgotten why he'd been hitting her. That didn't always keep him from beating her more, but sometimes it did. Whatever, she knew the Joker just had a hard time expressing love, and of course she deserved to be punished if she messed up (even if she wasn't always sure HOW she'd messed up).

- - - - - - - - - - 

As the Titans raced through Jump City's once booming factory district, Robin heard his cell phone chime. He'd only given this number to a handful of people, and only to be used in the most serious cicumstances. Therefore, he tried not to let his agitation show.

"Yes? What?"

"Robin?" It was the commissioner. "We've just found more…uh, victims. It's the Hive Five- er, Four. Apparently they were killed quite some time ago, but the remains were…difficult to identify. We just now got the DNA results back. The next of kin is listed as .." the sound of papers shuffling was clearly audible over the phone "…Jinx. Do you know how to contact her?"

Robin sighed. ' Just when I thought the day couldn't get worse.'. Aloud, he said "Don't worry, Commissioner, I'll notify her myself in a bit. Actually, I'm glad you've called. One of our members has been kidnapped by the Joker. We'd like assistance finding him, but we need it kept quiet."

"Understood. I trust my officers to keep mum, and I can make a deal with the press. They'll help all they can" 

Robin was surprised. Usually, Police and press mixed like nitro and glycerin, as the publics need for safety conflicted with the publics need to know. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, it's not uncommon in kidnapping cases unless the story is huge. The press know as well as we do that sometimes public attention can make kidnappers kill their captives- they won't say anything unless we ask them to. We'll owe them big though- and by 'we' I mean the Titans as well as the JCPD."

Robin nodded "If it helps get Beastboy back safely, I'll do whatever it takes. Thank you, Commissioner." 

A/N  
Like it? Hate it? I got some heat for last chapter, and I'd like to state here and now that I can curse in 4 different languages and will unleash the fury against any and all flamers. Be told.

As for the cereal with soda- I always figured the Joker for a sugar freak. The kind of guy who'd live on twinkies, Hawaiian Punch and crackerjack if he could.


	26. Chapter 26

**R?**

Nothing. Two days of searching the city- every warehouse, every funhouse, every abandoned store, every dive- and nothing. No leads, no clues, no Beastboy. Every thug they interrogated worked for the Joker- but only in a distant way, and swore blind that they didn't know anything about a kidnapping. Apparently, the Joker had been a lot cannier than even Robin had given him credit for- none of the gangs in Jump City knew where he was at any given time (though they all paid him tribute), and only his personal

Retinue knew where his hideout was.

Grief and anger consumed the Titans, and filled their every moment. If they weren't training they were searching or sleeping (not that anyone got more than a few hours a night). Meals were eaten while moving, and patrol was now an all day affair for everyone. All of the Titans were showing signs that the stress and grief were getting to them- especially during the three hours of 'down time' Robin had ordered them to take. Starfire no longer floated around the Tower; her sadness was such that unless she forced herself she could not summon the necessary joy. Cyborg no longer played videogames- at all. Instead he sat on the couch watching the news, while his computer brain sifted the Net for anything useful. Raven spent all her free time meditating, as she tried to keep her emotions from going completely out of control. Robin and Cassie spent their time training against one another in an attempt to work off their feelings of frustration.

Perhaps most tellingly, the Titans forgot that it was now Christmas day. That morning, while Robin escorted Jinx to the city morgue, Starfire had pointed out the date, and asked if anyone wished to open his or her presents. There had been a moment of silence before Cyborg spoke up "Y'all can do what you want, but as far as I'm concerned it ain't Christmas unless the whole family is together. My little brother ain't here so it ain't Christmas yet". The other Titans had nodded and gone on with their routines. The Christmas tree- which Starfire and Beastboy had spent hours decorating- as well as the mountain of gifts, stood untouched.

The Tower had become a bastion of gloom and fear. But now, the teen heroes made an effort to put their feelings to one side. Jinx had arrived, along with Kid Flash, to claim the remains of the Hive Four. Since the remains of the villains had been impossible to separate, they had been cremated together. Jinx had returned from the morgue holding a plain brown urn, which held the earthly remains of the only family she'd had for many years.

"It's actually not that bad" she said, tears leaking from her eyes "the guys always did want to be cremated. I think Gizmo and Seemore were worried about people defiling their graves, and the other two just thought it sounded cool. Cyborg could" she sniffled, as a tear made its way down her cheek. "Could you give me a hand with this? They always loved the sea, so I'd like to scatter the ashes there." 

Cyborg nodded "Of course Jinx. We're all here for you, y'know that. We may not be an Item anymore but that doesn't mean I'm not your friend."

As the two went out to the T-Sub, Kid Flash cleared his throat "Speaking of friends, we ran into a couple of people you guys know. They aren't exactly friends of your, but they want to see you. Are you willing to see them?"

"Who are they?" Robin answered a bit warily.

The young speedster looked uncomfortable "See, if I tell you, you'll refuse to see them. But thing is, you NEED to hear them out. So, I can't tell you for your own good."

The Boy Wonder looked to his team mates. Raven nodded, Starfire shrugged, and Cassie gave a thumbs up. "okay sure."

In a flash, the Fastest Boy Alive zipped out and returned with… Fang and Kitten. Immediately, the Titan's leapt into battle stances. Robin cried out "I don't know how you tricked Kid Flash, but you're both going down!"

Kid Flash leapt in front of the young heroes "WAIT! They're no threat, look!"

Robin, curious, looked carefully. To his surprise, Kitten wasn't wearing makeup or designer clothes. Instead, she was wearing a green sweater two sizes too big for her and ratty old jeans. Moreover she looked like she'd been crying. The spider-headed boy was missing two fingers on his left (human) hand , and a crude tourniquet had been applied to his front-right leg. His clothes didn't look too good either; in fact there was a fairly large bloodstain on his shirt.

Robin replaced his bo-staff and signaled the other Titans to stand down. Clearly, the pair were no threat. Starfire, however, was not ready to let Kitten enter her home peacefully. The alien girl was truly furious- Kitten had done the one thing Starfire had never managed: she had gotten a date with Robin. She had forced the Boy Wonder to take her out to her prom, and had made him suffer through an entire evening with her. "YOU! You most horrid person! You have no place here, and I insist you leave now! We do not wish to see you ever again, you- you KLORBAG!"

Starfire had expected Kitten to scream abuse or even attack physically. She didn't expect the blonde girl to bury her face in Fang's chest and weep. Fang placed a comforting hand on the small girl's head and whispered "There, there Kate, it'll be OK, just be strong." Turning back to the Tamaranian princess, he hissed "What the hell is wrong with you? You heard about her father's death- it was in all the papers! She had to listen to that! She had to listen to her father being tortured to death by that psycho Harley Quinn. We've spent the last weeks being hunted through the streets of the city, running for our lives, and it never crosses your mind that she might be a little fragile right now?!"

At first, the orange heroine assumed that her most hated enemy must be faking. But as she leaned in to examine the girl more closely, Kitten threw her arms around Starfire's neck and drew the unsuspecting alien into a hug. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" the girl said, in between sobs "I-I can't…please don't…" and then she gave up speaking, overcome by grief and fear.

Starfire wanted to hate Kitten for all the trouble she had caused, she wanted to harden her heart and push the girl away, and she wanted to say that this was the price for a life of selfishness and villainy. But in the end, her kind heart betrayed her – no matter how much she disliked Kitten, she couldn't bear to see anyone in this much pain. She hugged the smaller teen back and spoke in a soft voice.  
"I forgive you. I am sorry that your father died. I do not know what one says on earth but on Tamaran we say Khlx Knorfa Hju- Your pain is my own." She continued to comfort the girl, while the others resumed talking.

Robin turned back to Fang. "What happened to your hand? And what were you running from?"

Fang's pedipalps moved in what looked like a smile. "The answer's the same for both questions: the Joker. He's declared open season on all of your former enemies- says its punishment for trying to steal his act. Lost my fingers in a fight with two chicks calling themselves Harley's Grrlz. Listen man, we got to tell you your wasting your time patrolling the city looking for Joker. He's gone to ground, and taken all his personal henchmen with him- he even gives out instructions online. Don't ask me for an address- it changes every time and if you missed the last one you'll have a hard time finding the next. That's all we got."

Robin, ever suspicious of villains bearing clues, raised one eyebrow "Why are you telling us this?"

Fang shrugged "Kate- that's Kitten's real name, and I'd appreciate if you used it, since I'm her fiancée- wants revenge for her dad's murder. Me, I just want cover so we can get out of town- I figure if you guys turn up the heat on the Joker, no one will follow us out of town. Don't worry about us returning to crime, either. I've seen enough to realize the underworld is no place for me and Kitten to start a life together. We'll be moving to Milwaukee- my big brother owns a garage and is willing to give us jobs. I've worked in enough chop shops to qualify as a mechanic and Kitten can work as secretary. It ain't glamorous, but it should do us."

Robin did a doubletake "Wait, start a life together? Fiancée? Are you two…?"

Fang nodded his 'head'. "yep, since last week. We've said our piece, and now we're leaving. Milwaukee's a long way away. Kitten, you ready?"

The blonde gave Starfire one last squeeze then turned to her fiancée "One second, honey." Turning back to Starfire she whispered "I'll email you if you promise to respond. I- I could use a friend right now"  
The alien just nodded. Kitten ran back to Fang's side and pulled him down for a kiss.

Kid Flash picked up Fang, and Kitten hopped on his back. In a blur of speed, they were gone.

- - - - - - - - - Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean- - - - - - 

The T-Sub floated in the middle of a vast expanse of empty water. The sun shimmered on the surface, and a cool sea breeze caused the waves to lap against the sub's side. Jinx stood on the deck, the urn held in her outstretched hands. Cyborg watched from a respectful distance as the bad-luck sorceress said good-bye to her friends.

"I never really thought it'd end this way" Jinx said, addressing her departed comrades "I always figured I'd be the first to go. I mean, I was always the risk-taker of our group, and I just figured one day my luck would run out. I want you guys to know that- that it was never personal, what happened between us. I still love you guys like brothers, but I just didn't see a real future in crime. I kept meaning to call you, to mend our bridges but I guess its too late, huh? I hope you guys can forgive me, and I hope you've found peace. Goodbye, my friends."  
With that she threw the urn up as high as she could, and fired a bolt of pink energy at it. The urn exploded, scattering the ashes of the Hive Four to the winds.

They stood in silence for a moment, before Jinx slowly walked back to the T-Subs hatch. When she reached Cyborg, she collapsed in his arms, crying.  
"Why'd that monster do this? They weren't a real threat to him or anyone! Why?"

Cyborg shook his head "we may never know why the Joker does anything, Jinx. I'm sorry for your loss- despite everything, I know that Gizmo and Mammoth were decent enough guys deep down."  
With that they headed back into the sub.

- - - - - - - - - - - - 

Meanwhile, in the Joker's hideout, the Menacing Mountebank was guiding his moll towards the main dining room. He had his hands over her eyes, and was walking behind her.

"Not too much further now, Harley"

"Ooooh Puddin', come on! PLEEAASSE tell me whacha got me for Christmas!"

"Tsk tsk tsk. Harley, Harley, Harley, what happened to your patience? You'll find out soon enough"

As she walked, Harley wondered what her present would be. She knew the Joker was pleased with her presents. Her memory drifted back to that morning. The Joker had bounded downstairs at the crack of dawn to open his presents. Naturally, almost all the presents beneath the tree were for him- and almost all had been from her. A few had come in from Gotham, including two presents for Harley.

One, a collection of still-life paintings had been from Poison Ivy- unsurprisingly they were all of flowers. The second was a year's subscription to Modern Psychology, and was from Professor Crane. She had been pleased with the gifts, but as always her attention was drawn like a magnet to Mista J.

He'd sat on the floor tearing open his presents. Her gifts had mostly been practical- a new handgun, a hand knitted noose, the plans for Jump City City Hall, and a selection of rare poisons. He'd seemed pleased with them, especially the gun. Oswald had sent him a souvenir Iceberg Lounge shot glass, while TwoFace had sent two lumps of coal. The Joker had thrown the coal at some nearby henchmen and poured himself a celebratory drink with the glass.

The point was, she had reason to hope her present would be something nice.

Finally, they reached their destination, and the Joker's gloved hands flew off her eyes. She gasped and threw her arms around her love. "Oh Mista J!"

The dining room table had been set with a roast, baked potatoes, and bread. The silverware was new, and clearly of the highest quality. The lights were off, and a small candelabra illuminated the room. But best of all was the decoration on the wall.

Beastboy had been nailed to a cross about six feet high and five feet across. Railroad spikes had been driven through his hands and feet to keep him fixed in place. Upon his head lay a wreath made of razor wire, and a ballgag muffled his cries of pain. His healing abilities kept him from bleeding to death, and the Joker had injected him with a powerful stimulant to keep him from blacking out.

"A romantic dinner for two" the crazed clown purred into her ear "a perfect reward for a perfect girl. Merry Christmas, Harley." 

A/NOkay, I hereby issue a challenge. A little backstory first; I had this idea to compose a fic composed entirely of text copied from the worst stories I could find. I mean the cheesy, the cliché, the stupid, the poorly spelled, and the just plain insane stories that infest this site. Unfortunately, that's a pretty big project and I haven't got all that much free time. So, I challenge one of you to do it. Think of it as the ultimate parody of shlock writing. Here are the conditions:

The fic must be primarily composed of text lifted from bad stories. You can name which stories you used- but given what I said above, my guess is the author's would prefer you didn't. if you like, description and narrative can be your own words but all dialogue MUST be copied.

The fic must be a minimum of five hundred (500) words long/

It must be funny/. Pick quotes that make no real sense, are poorly written, are totally OOC, etc. Be creative.

All quotes must be from the character you've given them to. For example; you can't give Robin a quote from Starfire.

I know its tough, but give it a try! 

Regarding the presents it's obvious that Poison Ivy would send something to Harley. As for Scarecrow, there was this scene in Batman TAS where he pauses in a psychotic rant to give Harley a warm hello. I've always had the feeling those two had some sort of connection (my guess would be that he was a mentor to her in university) and that they've stayed reasonably close. As for Joker's sweetness consider the following: The Joker reinvents himself daily- isn't it possible then that at least occasionally he reinvents himself as a romantic (albeit a murderous one)?  
Also pedipalps are the mandibles in front of spiders mouths.


	27. Chapter 27

On the wayback to the Tower, Cyborg and Jinx were silent. It had been a difficult ceremony for Jinx, saying good-bye to her oldest friends, and she needed someone to comfort her. At the same time, Cyborg felt uncomfortable doing so; she had a boyfriend for that and he didn't want to overstep his role as friend. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say- and what he was allowed to say. Plus, he was currently fairly distraught himself- his best friend was in horrible danger and there was nothing he could do. Finally, the metal man abandoned all attempts at tact and subtly and simply went with what was in his heart.

"Jinx, I'm sorry for your loss, and I know you're feeling alone right now. I want you to know that you aren't- I'll always be here for you, as a friend. How are you holdin' up?"

The pink sorceress gave him a weak smile, and nodded. "I'll be okay. Its just... I kept meaning to make up with the guys, you know? I mean, we weren't all going to be villains together, but I knew that they'd forgive me. Well, Seemore and Mammoth would, and Kyd Wykkyd too eventually. GIzmo'd probably hold a grudge until he figured how to get me back- probably with some nasty prank. But now, I'll never have that chance, and I keep thinking of all the times I meant to call them and didn't. And I feel guilty, y'know?"

Cyborg nodded "I hear ya. I'm going through the same thing now, with Beastboy. Are you sure you and Kid Falash can't stick around to help?"

Jinx nodded her head sadly. "the Kid says his mentor needs help in Central City. Really urgent he says."

Cyborg was quiet for a time, trying to find a way to tactfully ask the question that was on his mind. Finally he asked "Why did you ask me,a nd not the Kid? He's your boyfriend, I'd think he'd be the natural choice."

Jinx sighed. "Bart was raised differently. He's not... good in some situations and death is one of them. As for the boyfriend thing, I don't know how long thats going to last. We're really different people, and sometimes the gaps between us are just too far apart. He's flighty, and hyper, and always after something new- I'm more sedate and more plan-oriented."  
Cyborg nodded, unsure what else he could do- he was an almost-sorta-kinda- Ex after all. This was dangerous territory at the best of times and given his current problems, he felt keeping his mouth shut was probably the safe bet.

The T-sub entered the Tower's dock, and the two exited in silence. Cyborg began the various checks he had to run every time the T-sub went out,and Jinx went to find Kid Flash for the trip back to Central. As she walked out the door, she looked back.

"Cyborg? You once told me that you and your father hadn't spoken since he gave you your cybernetics, right? Well, if today has taught me anything, its that you never know when you might lose someone. And nothing hurts worse than knowing you could have made peace with someone who's gone, but chose not to until it was too late. Take my advice and call your father. Be the bigger man, or whatever, but do it."  
With that, the pink-haired girl walked out the door.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Once Kid Flash and Jinx had left, Robin pulled Cyborg aside. He gave a quick summary of what Fang and Kitten had told them, and asked for Cyborg's thoughts. After a moment of contemplation, the metal man responded.  
"If what they said is true, best thing we could do would beto rig up a search program to trawl the Net to find the Joker's announcements. But, Rob, don't get your hopes up- there're a thousand reasons this wouldn't work. If the Joker's got any brains at all, his announcements will be in code. Plus, we'd never eb able to find each page as it comes up- finding past ones is more likely. And likely is bein' optimistic- we're talkin about finding a needle in a MOUNTAIN of hay. My system figures the odds as being something like 200,000,000 to one against us finding anything at all within the next year."

Robin nodded "I knowm but its all we've got. Give it a try Cyborg, and keep your circuits crossed." Teh metal man ehaded off to his room to start work.  
As the doors slid shut, he glanced at the telephone. he stared at it for a long, long moment. He thought of Beastboy, snatched away without warning and possibly never to return. then went and picked up the receiver. His finger shook as he dialed.

One ring.

Two rings.

"Hello?" The voice on the other end was almost as Victor remembered it.

"Hi, dad, its me Victor. Been a while, huh? Yeah. Yeah, me too. No, I was a jerk too, dad. You saved my life, even if...I know you are dad. It's...it's okay. I know you didn't mean for any of this to happen, but I think in the end it was all for the best. Me? Ha. Well, if you'd asked me that a month ago I would have said great. See, the Joker decided to come to Jump City. No, I'm okay but...Well, maybe I better start at the beginning, huh?"  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

At 12 o'clock that night, Robin heard someone knock on his door. He got up from his desk, upon which lay a map of the city, and walked over to the door. It slid open to reveal an extremely tired looking Cyborg.  
Without preamble, he said "Well, Robbie, the search is running. The Stone Family Net Sweeper is online- I got my dad to help me make it and with two Stone genius' on the case you know its good."

Robin raised an eyebrow "I thought you and your dad weren't speaking?"

Cyborg rubbed the back of his head "Yeah, well, with all the stuff going on I got to thinking, y'know? I mean, any one of us could die any day, its part of the whole Hero thing. Plus, the old man's not getti' any younger either. So I figured, best to make up while we still can."

Despite all his worries and fears, Robin couldn't help but smile. He'd lost his own father some time ago, at a time when the two of them hadn't been on the best of terms. It was good to know Cyborg wasn't making the same mistake. "Good, you can explain how it works in the morning. get some rest, Cy, we've got another long day ahead of us tomorrow."

- - - - - - -

Beastboy didn't know what day it was. He didn't know how long he'd been in the Joker's clutches. There was no window in the room, nor was there a clock. Neither the Joker nor Harley Quinn had any set routines that might tell him what time of day it was, or clue him in to the cycle of days. The Joekr might eat a meal of scrambled eggs and coffee and a while later gorge on ice cream. As far as Beastboy was concerned, he might as well have been in this pit forever.

The torture sessions were bad. The Joker had made it his mission to test the limits of his captive's healing ability. The last session, for example, had studied the speed with which his body could heal burns. The Joker and Harley Quinn had spent a long time methodically scorching different parts of his body and watching the burns vanish. That is, until the Wicked Whiteface had gotten bored, and simply set Beastboy's whole body on fire. Before that , it had been 'fun with toxins', seeing just how the young changeling reacted to various poisons.

That had been bad enough, but worse was the humiliation. He hadn't bathed since his capture, and combined with a lack of sanitary facilities, this meant that Beastboy was covered in blood and his own waste. His clothes were long gone, and the Joker had taken pleasure in making the boy stand naked in front of Harley Quinn. Worst of all, the Joker refused to feed the shapeshifter anything but raw, occasionally bloody, meat. Beef, chicken, pork, fish... the Joker piled on the meat

"Its for your own good, BB." The Joker had said as he dropped the first 'meal' in front of his captive- a pound of raw hamburger. " I mean, look at you! I've seen more meat on McNuggets, and more muscle on an infant! Not to worry though, Doctor Joker's Miracle Meat Diet will turn you into a fine specimen of virile masculinity, just like me! And then the chicks will really dig you, just ask Harley! Now, eat up, we've got lots more fun ahead of us! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"  
Beastboy had resisted eating the foul viands for a long time, but eventually his body's cries for nourishment proved stronger than his own natural revulsion. Hating himself more and more with every bite, he'd eaten all the meat the Joker gave him. He felt disgusted with himself, as though he was no better than- than- than an animal. Which was no doubt what the Joker had in mind the whole time.

He knew from Mento's teaching the importance of maintaining his psychological balance. The leader of the Doom Patrol had told him that often the the worst damage caused during torture was psychological. Above all he wanted to avoid 'Stockholm Syndrome'- where the victim came to empathize with their captor or even worse, to idealize them. So he fought his feelings of helplessness, and focused on his hatred for the Joker. He also worked at keeping his spirits up: he remembered the good times he'd had with his friends, he sang to himself (when no one was there to hear him), and he tried above all else to avoid wondering why his friends hadn't saved him yet.  
It wasn't working. Despite everything, Beastboy felt himself slowly slipping into despair. 

A/N

Not my best stuff I know, but I've just been diagnosed with pneumonia so I'm kinda stressed. How in gods name did I go an enitre winter- though rain and snow and mud- without so much as a sniffle, but manage to contract pneumonia just as it starts getting warm?

A few explanations. The last character to be called Kid Flash in the comics was Bart Allen. Bart came from the thirtieth century and was raised in a VR machine due to accelarated aging. he was sent back in time to cure his condition and became the Flash's sidekick in the process. I don't think he and Jinx work well together, frankly, since Bart had some problems socializing with others. As for Jinx/Cyborg my answer would be: Not now. Neither of them are really ready for that yet- maybe in a few years. 


	28. Chapter 28

The Joker sat in bed, and scowled out the window. Outside his brownstone, the road went sharply downhill, and the Joker had an unparalleled view of downtown Jump City. Steel and chrome skyscrapers shone brightly in the mid-morning sunlight, and the sky was an azure blue normally associated with the countryside.. Jump City's advanced industries and tight environmental laws meant that the breeze wafting in through the window was unsullied by pollution, and carried a taste of the sea. No noise assaulted his ears; no honking horn, no screeching brakes, neither voices raised in anger nor shrieks of pain disturbed the pristine nature of the day.

He didn't know how much longer he could take this!

He rolled his eyes away from the hateful view in the window, and stared up at the ceiling. He'd never felt this way before. So alone, so revolted- so trapped. He, the King of Jesters, the Mogul of Mountebanks, the Clown Prince of Crime, felt himself no better than some shlub trapped in a bad marriage, a bad job, and a house in suburbia. It was positively revolting, and made him want to kill an entire truckload of suburbanites.

The Joker was a son of Gotham City through and through. He loved Gotham, for Gotham was honest- Gotham showed the world what humanity really was. His city was pure and honest and true. Granted she was an honest whore riddled with a thousand poxes and lethal plagues, but she was still honest. Jump City covered its sins with shining chrome and glass, swept its filth under the rugs, and silenced the most honest voices among them. Jump City was a testament to the lies he had spent his career breaking down- the petty delusions of grandeur and purity to which people were unfortunately prone. Jump City would have the world believe that Order was meant to rule over Chaos- that the world was nice and clean and happy. Gotham always told you that it wasn't, never had been and never would be.

He honestly couldn't remember why he'd come to this festering pile of lies. He knew it had something to do with the Tie-Ins, but his memory was hazy on exactly what he'd planned to do originally. The ursurper-Brat in the cellar had radically altered his plans- and over the week since the brat's capture, the Joker had more or less forgotten what he'd originally intended.

"BAH!" He yelled, leaping from the bed. He began pacing the room, his long stride carrying him back and forth exactly like a caged animal. "What does it matter what I planned? These children are so far below my level that it's sad! Whatever magnificent plan I had would probably have been wasted on them-as if they were worthy to battle the Ace of Knaves himself! These brats wouldn't know genius if I kicked them in the ass! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

No, he needed a REAL opponent, a man who could match wits and minds with him and never show the strain. He needed the Batman- his life was never this boring in the Bat's jurisdiction. Come to that, he wasn't sure he'd ever been loose this long- unless you counted No Man's Land. The Bat was almost as brilliant and cunning as he was and could be depended on to keep up.

So. It was decided. The Joker would leave Jump City and return to Gotham and his one true Enemy. But he couldn't just leave, that would look like he'd been beaten. No, he had to make a grand finale, something worthy of the Jester of Crime.

"But what?" He shouted aloud, "What in this piffling paltry puling pit could possibly- Oh! OH! HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHHAA!!! YES! That would be… would it be enough though? I'd better supplement that with…but what about the Try-Outs? Pathetic or not, I can't just consign the Bat's Brat to …then again there's always…Yes! YES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAA!!"

There was a gentle knock at the door- a gentle tapping to the rhythem of Shave And A Haircut. "What is it, Harley?"

Harley stuck her head in slowly, cautiously. She knew from his tone that the Joker was in a poor mood and that it was dangerous to intrude on him. But she also knew that it was more dangerous to let whatever it was build from a bad mood to a fury. Bad mood meant a beating- a Fury meant much much worse.

"Are you Okay, Puddin'? I heard ya all the way downstairs- is there somethin' wrong, Sweetie-Bear?"

The Joker shuddered at this newest nickname- and he knew already that Harley thought it fit him, Chaplin alone knew why. Which meant that , like 'Puddin', it was here to stay no matter what he did to her. He occasionally wondered why he put up with this from her- but he always stopped himself thinking about that. Nothing good ever came of that train of thought, and it wasn't important anyway.

"Yes, Harley. I'm better than I have been in a while. Fetch me a pencil and paper, there's plotting to do. We're leaving this dump of a town, but we'll do it in style and with one HELL of a closing act!"

- - - - - - - - -  
At Titan's Tower, Starfire was staring at the Christmas Tree. It was now January third, and the tree had been up since the twentieth of December. It was now mostly brown, and the needles were beginning to fall out. The presents were now somewhat dusty, and some were beginning to smell. The shiny ornaments- which she had thought at first to be among the most joyous sights in the universe- only added to the sadness of the scene.

The alien girl sighed and slowly walked away from the tree, heading for the elevators. Most of the Tower had fallen prey to that same gloom. It was now more than one Terran week since friend Beastboy's capture, and the Tower seemed a much less glorious place for his absence.

Wer had become so quiet and tense, that Starfire no longer felt truly at home. Her people were a loud and joyful race- this sadness and gloom was alien to her. Robin spent all his 'spare' time reviewing maps of the city, the yellow pages, the classifieds- searching for some sign of the Joker's hideout. Cyborg spent his monitoring the net search- adding the considerable processing power of his systems to the Tower computer. Raven and Cassie studiously avoided one another and spent their time in their rooms. Starfire herself had never found herself this miserable- all her friends were sad and Beastboy was not here to lighten the moment as he normally did.

Someone laid a hand on her shoulder. She turned to see Robin standing behind her. "What's wrong, Star? You seem…well, miserable. I'm worried about you."

Starfire took a moment to respond. "I am sorry, Robin. But our home has not been the same since friend Beastboy's capture. It is almost as bad as when not-friend Terra chased us from the Tower. I cannot even remember the last time someone smiled or laughed. Our home has become Agh'Ora- a place of sadness and gloom."

Robin nodded "I wonder if the Joker realized how badly he hurt us when he took Beastboy"

Starfire's eyes widened "We would have been hurt had he taken ANY of our friends!"

Robin shook his head. "Not like this, Star. Every member of this team has a role in how we live. Yo're our joy and our innocence- you keep us on the right path. Cyborg is our Big Brother, the voice of reason. Raven is our pessimist and cynic- she keeps us rooted in reality. But Beastboy is our pressure-release. In the past whenever things got too dark and serious, he could be relied upon for a joke or a prank. They might not be funny- they rarely were anything but groaners really- but it killed the tension. Now we don't have that, and we're suffering."

Starfire thought for a moment "What must we do? I know many Tamaranian jokes, but they do not translate well…"

Robin sweatdropped, remembering some of Starfire's attempts at humor. Some had been puzzling, others disturbing- none had been funny. "Uh, that's okay Star. I'll think of something…" Just then, the alarm went off.

Cyborg's voice came over the intercom. "All right you guys, the Joker's hitting some high-tech lab. Let's roll!"

A/N  
I don't see the Joker's obsession with Batman being romantic-the idea is frankly ludicrous. Instead, I think Batman is simply the only hero in the world the Joker considers worthy of doing battle with him. In the whole Emperor Joker story, we continually treats Superman and the others with contempt, a contempt he's never shown for Batman.

I've seen a lot of writers complainabout how hard it is to write for the Joekr. In the interests of promoting more Quality Joker Writing, Here are some tips I've found useful.

1-The Things the Joker does must never be funny, but the way he does them or the things he says while doing them should be. A good test for this is to mentally remove all dialogue from the scene- if it still strikes you as funny, then it needs to be rethought

2-The Joker is crazy but not stupid. He's consistently matched wits with the greatest mind in the world for decades. Don't make him do stupid things unless they're part of a larger plan. Also remember he's a master manipulator and extremely charismatic. In short, don't sell his abilities short.

3-The Joker is first and foremost a showman. He sees all of life as a stage and himself as the biggest star. Everything he does should have a slightly theatrical touch to it, even if its onlyrunning commentary aimed at no one.

4-The Joker is obsessed with Batman. Virtually all his actions are in some way aimed at humiliating, hurting, or killing Batman, even if the connection is not immediately apparent. I know it seems like I've broken this rule myself in this fic, but remember how important Robin is to his mentor.

5-The Joker is not a nice guy. He does not have a soft side, a nice side, or even a conscience. At the same time he is more than just a monster- he doesn't do things just to be evil but because he thinks they're funny. Remember to ask yourself 'why is he doing this?" every so often.

6-Finally, The Joker DOES have feelings for Harley Quinn, he just doesn't know how to express them. The feelings of love and tenderness are alien to his nature and so he often blames her for causing them. That being said, he is still an abusive psychopath.

My best advice is to watch an episode of the Justice League called Wild Cards. This, to me, is the very pinnacle of the Joker in cartoons. He's crafty, manipulative, funny, and smart with zero regard for human life. Good Luck!


	29. Chapter 29

**R!**

The Titans sped towards the laboratory of JetAge Incorporated. As they traveled, Robin had done a bit of research on their destination, trying to find any advantage the terrain might give them. The buildings schematics yielded nothing, but he noted that, while JetAge Inc was a diverse technology firm, this particular lab was primarily concerned with chemicals and metallurgy. Robin wondered if perhaps the Joker was making a supply run- if so, it might indicate that he was beginning to run out of supplies.

Cassie stared ahead, mentally rehearsing Batman's rule against killing. It was a good rule, and one she believed in; if she killed someone she would be no better than her enemies- a costumed individual who put herself above the law. But at times like this, when a madman threatened those she loved- a madman she could have stopped for good- she was sorely tempted. All to often, she wondered if ending the Joker's evil existence might not be the best possible answer.  
Her thoughts must have been obvious, because Robin glanced at her and said "It'll be all right, Cass. Just…don't let your emotions get the better of you." The masked girl nodded, and resumed her thoughts.

Cyborg had shifted navigation and steering over to his automatic guidance systems, and tried to review the various strategies and tactics the team had practiced. They had drilled and drilled hard, learning how best to function as a team. They were now a well-oiled machine, each member playing a specific role. He just prayed that they would be enough and that by the day's end, he would be with his little green buddy again.

Above the T-Car, Starfire attempted to cheer her friend. "Do not worry, friend Raven. We have trained hard for this moment- I believe we shall be victorious over the Joker this day. Soon we shall be reunited with Friend Beastboy, and all will be well again!"

Raven shook her head "I'm not sure how much help I'll be, Starfire. Frankly, I'm not sure I'll be any better than I was last time." Starfire noted that her friend seemed greatly depressed, and decided to do what Beastboy should be doing.

"I do not see how that could be, friend, since Friend Beastboy is not here. Unless you intend to squeeze MY rear?" Starfire made sure her face was all innocence, a difficult feat in the face of Raven's affronted yelp. "Ah! Perhaps you would prefer to squeeze my front?"

"STARFIRE! WHAT THE HELL!" Raven's head whipped around in shock as the pale girl turned cherry red. She knew that Starfire's people were more sexually free than humans but this was…

The look on Raven's face proved too much for Starfire's self-control. The alien princess dissolved into a fit of mid-air giggles, and her dark friend raised one eyebrow, the blush slowly leaving her face. "What was that about Starfire? And for your sake, I hope your answer's a good one"

"Do not be angry, friend, but I have seen how serious everyone has gotten with Friend Beastboy gone, and I wished to make the mood less heavy."

"Lighten the mood" Raven corrected absently, still considering whether her friends good intentions outweighed the poor taste of the joke.

"Yes. That"

"…Thanks, Star. All the years I tried to avoid his stupid jokes, and now we're all suffering without them. I just pray he never finds any of that out, or we'll never hear the end of it."  
Still giggling, the alien nodded.  
- - - - - - - - - 

The Titans entered the building through a large hole that had been smashed in the northern wall. "Friends, I do not wish to alarm you, but I fear Cinderblock may be here." Starfire said, winking at Raven.

Robin snorted, while Cyborg and Cassie looked at the Tamaranian oddly. "Okay, Cyborg you and Starfire take out Cinderblock. Raven, hang back until you know whether your powers work or not. Cassie, you're with me. Titans, GO!" 

The Titans advanced into the main area of the lab, and soon saw their main target. The Joker was standing in the middle of the area, as his goons loaded several crates and containers onto a small truck. Meanwhile Harley Quinn amused herself and Cinderblock (still in his clown outfit) by juggling beakers and test tubes.

"See Bobo?" the clown girl said "Told ya I could do it!" The giant remained silent, but emitted a gravely grunt when it saw the Titans, and extended an arm to point. Harley turned to look and called out "PUDDIN'! The brats are here!"

The Joker nodded to one of his goons who'd been standing next to a large device. "Now WC" The goon, presumably named after WC Fields, threw a switch and the machine began to hum loudly.

Cyborg had been rushing at Cinderblock, intent on taking the rock monster out before it could do any damage. Suddenly, he felt himself being pulled strongly to the side even as he moved; at first it was just a tug, then a stronger force and the next thing he knew he was flying through the air straight at the large devic. With a clang he impacted and found he couldn't move.

"Hey!" he yelled panic and anger mixing in his voice "Whats going on? I- I can't move! Help!"

Robin whirled around to see his trapped teammate. He turned back to face the Joker "What have you done to him, Joker? "

"I did nothing! I'm totally innocent! Oh, woe is me! Why must I always be the victim of profiling? You see white skin and green hair and automatically assume that I am to blame for everything! It was WC who turned on the electromagnet. Mind you, I suppose since he works for me I do share in the blame…" 

"Turn it off. NOW." Robin's eyes narrowed and he spoke in a growl. The Joker had already taken one of his friends- he wasn't going to lose another.

The Joker appeared to consider this, leaning against lab table and tapping his chin with one finger. Finally he shook his head slowly and replied in a cartoonishly deep and stupid voice "Nope, nope, nope don't want to." He gestured to his thugs, simultaneously pulling a banana from his jacket's inner pocket. "Get them." 

Cinderblock, predictably, was the first into battle. The Joker (or rather Harley Quinn acting on the Joker's orders) had spent hours making sure the colossal rock beast understood its role in the plan. This care paid off as Cinderblock, ignoring all other targets, charged at Starfire and sent her flying across the room with one mighty blow. The alien girl smashed into the wall and collapsed in a heap. She sat dazed for a moment, but soon regained her wits and forced herself into the air.

Raven, meanwhile, hung back. She felt the familiar confusion and lack of judgement descending on her. She kept telling herself to stay back, that in her current condition the Joker would almost certainly kill her and then she would be no good to anyone. Instead, she tried desperately to regain control of herself. It was difficult, since everything seemed funny right now. Apparently, she got giggly when she was intoxicated.

'If Beastboy were here, he'd probably say he was surprised I'm not an angry drunk'

That did it. Raven began giggling like a school girl, helpless in the face of inebriated hilarity.

Cassie and Robin found themselves squaring off against more than a dozen goons. Most people, even vigilantes, would have been daunted by odds of more than 8 to one. But these were Robin and Batgirl, disciples of the Batman, and they had faced odds far worse than this many times. Robin turned to Batgirl and, using the BatClans own sign language, indicated that she should go help Starfire. Without a word, Batgirl obeyed, leaving Robin to face the Joker's hired muscle.

A/N

Let's see some reviews, huh?


	30. Chapter 30

**R!**

Starfire landed a solid punch on her rock-like enemy, and soared away before Cinderblock could retaliate. Despite this, she knew things were not going well- her blows did nothing to hurt the monster, while she was tiring rapidly. Sooner or later, Cinderblock's massive fists would connect, and she was unsure how many of the monsters powerful blows she could withstand. Fortunately for her, Batgirl was already running to assist her.

The young vigilante reached into her utility belt, searching for a weapon. Unfortunately, her belt was nowhere near as extensive as those of Batman and Robin- the daughter of David Cain had been raised to never rely on weapons or gadgetry. The older assassin had taught his daughter that the one weapon that could never be taken away or countered was her own body. Consequently, her utility belt contained only the bare essentials: flashlight, regular (non-explosive) batarangs, zipline and grapple, a few smoke bombs, and a lockpick. Just what she could do with this against a ten foot tall man of rock she wasn't certain, but she was used to improvising. She entered the fray with a jump kick that knocked Cinderblock off-balance

Meanwhile, Robin continued his battle with the Joker's brute squad. Ordinarily, Robin would have had little to do against fourteen opponents. Such a large number of combatants generally worked in favor of their opponent, as the mob of thugs got in one anothers way. However, for this caper, the Joker had brought only his most experienced legbreakers, men who had been in combat many times. They knew how to fight as a gang, and Robin was having a hard time. He was barely holding his own, using his acrobatic agility to avoid the blows and dealing out what little damage he could. He flipped, twisted, dodged, and leaped and still could not make headway in the fight.

Off to one side, the Joker watched the show, nonchalantly eating his banana. Swallowing one bite, he turned to Harley Quinn.

"Babydoll, be a dear and help Bobo beat on our young friends. There's a good girl."

Harley drew herself up to attention and snapped off a salute "Right-A-Roony, Mister Puddin, Sir!" before leaping into the fray. Harley's acrobatic flip carried her straight into Batgirl, sending the girl to the ground. Starfire gasped in concern, and failed to notice one of Cinderblock's massive fists until it slammed into her side. She crashed against the wall, clutching what felt like a broken rib. The clown-suited behemoth loomed over her, fist raised for the killing blow. Starfire managed to roll out of the way just in time, and the battle raged on.

The Joker, by this time, had finished his banana. He held the peel between two fingers for a moment, as though trying to decide what to do with his refuse, before shrugging- and tossing it directly into the mass of fighters to his side. The peel landed unnoticed by all- including Robin, until he tried to do a hand-flip and placed his right hand directly on it. His hand slid out from under him, and rather than flipping away from his attackers, the Boy Wonder collapsed in a heap on the floor. With an animalistic howl of victory, the thugs began to mercilessly beat the fallen hero with fists, feet and whatever they had handy.

The Merryman Of Malice watched in delight as his goons (and his girl) battled the Titans. He laughed uproariously as he realized that no one else had probably done this well against them.

"HAHAHHAHAAA! Ooh, I shouldn't laugh, really- ol' Sladey-Wadey and the Pain can't help what they are. LOSERS! HAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAAA!" he cackled "HAHAHAHA- aaah. All right boys, that's enough for now. Finish loading the loot while Harley and Bobo, keep the other kids entertained. Snap to, me laddies!"

The thugs moved to obey, leaving a badly battered and barely conscious Robin in their wake. The Joker moved a crate, and sat down next to his fallen foe. "You know, Robby, I think I've figured out you punks are so pathetic. Look at Gotham- the crime capital of the world. Home to such luminaries as Catwoman, Black Mask, the Riddler and of course yours truly. The result? Batman arises, the greatest crime fighter in the world. He's the best because he's constantly being tested by the best" the Joker paused to take a breath. 

"Now, let's look at your little circus act, shall we? Out of shape, slow on the uptake, and quick to let down your guard. I know ol'Batbreath would be furious with you, but Unky Joker knows its not your fault. Look at your enemies- Killer Moth, Johnny Rancid, Control Freak and Mad Mod. At the top of the heap we have Slade, a mix between a poor man's Lex Luthor and Deadshot. Oh, and a brain in a jar with a gorilla fetish. You see? You've had no real challenges and so you've gotten lazy. Stupid. Weak. But like I said, its not your fault. So be of good cheer, smile a little, and look on this whole thing as a learning experience. Happy trails, Boy Blunder, until we meet again."

The Joker nodded and moved over to his truck (a converted movers truck with a purple paintjob), where his thugs had nearly finished loading the stolen materials. "WC, before we go remember to let our metal matey go- we wouldn't want to be unfair, now would we? Just hit him with the taser first- fair play is one thing, stupid's another." 

The henchman nodded. Reaching into his pocket 'WC' withdrew a heavy taser- a military design obtained on the blackmarket. He pressed the prongs into the fleshly side of Cyborg's face and delivered a massive shock. The technologic teen screamed briefly, then passed out.

The Joker turned to the other fight "HAR-LEY! Grab Bobo and lets get going. Oh, and send Laurel and Hardy outside to do that little job I gave them."

Harley nodded. She pulled a large black sphere from one of her costumes concealed pockets and hurled it at Starfire. The sphere exploded in a blinding flash of light, and the young princess clutched at her now useless eyes. Cinderblock took advantage of this to knock her out, and send Batgirl careening into a wall with a slap from his mighty hand. She and the giant hopped into the truck.

Raven staggered over to her fallen teammates; she might not be able to do anything now, but when the Joker left she'd heal them (though she made a mental note to leave Cassie some painful bruises).

- - - - - - - - 

Robin returned to consciousness slowly, and the first thing he noticed was the pressure of someone's hands on his chest. He opened his eyes, wincing at the pain this caused. Raven sat next to him, slowly healing his battered body. Being healed in this manner was a very strange sensation. At first there was always a sensation of extreme cold, and then the pain seemed to slowly drain away, as though something was absorbing it. It wasn't exactly a pleasant feeling, but he supposed it beat the alternative. 

As the pain vanished, his memory of the fight returned, and he tried to sit up. "Raven! The Joker-"

"Is gone" the empath replied in her usual monotone, pushing down on his chest to try to make him lie prone. "Now hold still. This is difficult enough."

Robin continued to struggle "But what about the others? Are they all right? How long ago did he escape, maybe we can still catch him!"

Raven sighed "The others are fine. I healed Starfire and Batgirl first because they were closer. Then I came to you. The Joker escaped five minutes ago- it, um, took a while for my powers to return." Raven looked away from her leader. She was, in general, an honest sort of person and wasn't comfortable lying to her friends. They thought that her powers switched off in the presence of the Joker's chaotic brain- even Starfire, who'd witnessed part of what she'd done on the bridge didn't suspect the truth. She didn't like lying, but she couldn't tell the truth.

Robin lurched to his feet. "I'll be fine. Thanks. Now revive Cyborg so we can get on that sick clown's trail!"

"Um, Robin?" Cassie said from where she stood by the hole in the wall "Maybe wait to revive Cyborg. Come see."

Robin hobbled over to the hole and his jaw dropped .The T-Car was completely totalled. The window's were smashed, the tires had been shredded, and bits of the engine littered the road. On top of everything else, a huge purple J had been spraypainted on the driver's side doors.

"er, yeah Raven. Maybe we'd better wait to revive Cyborg."

A/N

RabulaTasa pointed out that Starfire shouldn't know what Raven had done to Beastboy. I'd like to respond that Starfire saw Raven touching Beastboy in 'private' places, but had no idea why Raven was doing this. Beastboy didn't tell anyone about Raven's little problem.

Hello, Menamebephil. Haven't heard from you in a while. All is well, I hope? When regular reviewers go silent, its usually a sign that the author has messed up. If this is so, tell me.


	31. Chapter 31

…R?

It had been more than three hours after the Teen Titan's humiliation at the hands of that mad master of mirth, the Joker. Cyborg was taking it worst of all, though of course none of the heroes were happy with what had happened.

Cyborg strode about the Tower, clearly furious. He'd seen his baby desecrated, been forced to take public transportation home (all police cars being out in search of the Joker) and still had no sign that his little buddy was alive. It was too much for one man to bear on his shoulders- even if those shoulders were made of titanium. Currently he was pacing through the Titan's common room, ranting to himself about the myriad injustices the Joker had visited upon him.

"He had to be different. He couldn't be like other villains and just threaten our lives, oh no! No, that grinning geek had to go and make this personal! First he humiliates us in front of the whole city on that damn bridge! Then, he goes and kidnaps my best buddy! Now, he's TRASHED MY CAR! I swear to heaven, when I get a hold of that sicko he ain't gonna be smiling no more on account of having no DAMN TEETH! And that's only if Beastboy is all right, cause if he isn't, the Joker is never smiling again, on account of being dead!"

Starfire, who had been cooking supper in the kitchen, stuck her head out. "Friend Cyborg, please calm down. It is bad enough what happened today, I do not wish to see my friends so agitated. Will you not assist me in preparing tonight's meal of the evening? I wish it to be perfect." Starfire had spent the last three hours cooking- she had rushed to the kitchen after their return to the tower.  
The alien beauty had come to a decision. She would not stand idle as her friends slipped into misery, nor would she quietly allow her home to become Agh'Ora. If her green friend was not here to break the gloom that had settled on the Tower, than she would. Starfire had decided to begin by preparing a Tamaranian Feast of Hope- a grand banquet, containing the participants favorite dishes. It was designed to promot optimism and banish despair. But Earth dishes were still difficult for her to prepare, and so she required assitance.

Cyborg shook his head. "Nah, Star. Remember the first thing I taught you?"

Starfire screwed up her face. Her metal friend had taught her many things in his lessons. What had been the first? Always measure twice? No. never let Beastboy near the meat? No. The importance of clearly labeling everything? No."Ah! One must always be focused while cooking!"

"Yeah. And right now I'm too mad to focus. Sorry, Star. Tell ya what, you go talk to Robin- he's been totally obsessing ever since the fight. I'll keep an eye on the food 'til you get back, but that's all I can manage right now. Maybe once I've calmed down a bit…"

Starfire sighed. She'd been meaning to speak to Robin for some time about Stephanie, the girl from his past. Now was as good a time as any.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Robin sat at his desk, glaring at his paerwork, trying to intimidate it into giving him more information. The papers were a reports on the teams battles against the Joker, as well as the Titan's training logs. He'd failed twice against the Joker- that was two more times than he was prepared to accept. The solution had to be there- it had to be. He heard the door open, and turned to tell whoever it was to leave.

Starfire entered the room nervously knowing full well how prone Robin was to 'the yelling' when he was in such a mood.. "Robin? May I speak to you? It is most pressing."

"Make it quick Starfire" Robin replied, too wrapped up in his work to realize how rude he was being.

The orange princess winced at her leader's brusque tone but continued "I fear you are being too serious…"

Robin's fist slammed into his desk, cutting her off. "Damn it Starfire, not now! Not everyone can be sweetness and light when their friends are in MORTAL DANGER! Beastboy's life is in danger, maybe even lost, because we weren't serious! So make yourself useful and GO AWAY!" and the Boy Wonder shot her a glare worthy of Batman himself. The alien girl fled the room, and managed to hold her tears until she was well away.

Meanwhile, Cyborg had been eavesdropping nearby and had heard the whole thing. He marched into Robin's room and lifted the teen hero out of his seat with one metal hand. Effortlessly, he lifted Robin up to his eye level and glared.

"Cyborg, what's wrong with you! Can't you see I'm-"

"-a heartless jerk? Yeah, you showed everyone that just now."

Robin paused "What do you mean?"

Cyborg's robotic eyed flared as his temper rose "Moron! That girl is in love with you, and you just chewed her out for no reason! I knew the Batman trained you to be cold, but that was below rotten. Now get your scrawny butt out there and apologize!" The cybernetic teen carried his leader out the door and hurled him down the hallway towards Starfire's room.

Robin got up slowly, and realized that Cyborg was right. He had been brutal with Starfire, and he needed to apologize. This wasn't going to be easy- he could hear the alien princess sobbing through her door. 

Cyborg returned to his room and checked his computer, trusting Robin to do the right thing. Starfire's food was off the stove now, so it didn't need to be watched, and besides this was more pressing.

He'd asked the lab technicians to provide him with a complete list of everything that had been stolen as soon as they could. It looked like they'd just sent it to him. He ran his eyes along the list, not seeing anything too surprising- mostly toxins and various difficult-to-acquire chemicals. It was the last item on the list that made his jaw drop and his mouth go dry.

Item 14: sixteen kilograms of weapons grade Plutonium.

- - - - - - - - 

It is well established that the greatest mistake that most torture victms make is placing the blame on themselves. Because human beings (and metahumans) like to believe in an ordered and sane universe, they cannot believe that something as awful as this could happen to them without reason. They come to believe that they did something to deserve what has happened, and eventually come to believe that their tormentor is right to torture them. So Mento had taught his young 'son'. Consequently, Beastboy was doing everything he could to resist this notion.

"This is not my fault" he muttered, unaware that he spoke aloud. He did this often, as it was becoming harder and harder to tell the difference between what he was thinking and what he was saying. "None of this is my fault. The Joker just…just wanted a Titan to hurt and he picked me. Probably because I'm so weak and worthless. NO! Don't think like that!"

Harley Quinn danced into the kitchen, wearing a lilac bathrobe and hot pink bunny slippers. She had just come from the shower, and so she wore neither her usual hood nor tassels nor her make-up. She spun around, she hopped and skipped, all the while heading for the refrigerator. Puddin' had been in a mood to celebrate their victory, and celebrate they had. Harley's body was still tingling all over. Despite the bruising and the bleeding and her many bite marks, she felt wonderful.

'And people wonder why I love Mista J! What a man!' she thought as she opened the fridge and reached for some cake. She rummaged around in the refrigerator, emerging with a large piece of chocolate cake and a bottle of milk. Sitting down at the table, she glanced across at their green captive, who was muttering to himself.

"Ya wanna watch that stuff kid." She said around a bite of cake "Ya don't wanna seem crazy do ya?"

Beastboy looked at Harley "Why are you guys doing this to me? Is it because I'm a Titan, or is it something more personal?"

harley swallowed a massive bite of cake and replied "Ain't my place to say. Mista J'll tell ya when he's ready ta finish you off."

Beastboy shook his head "Why do you do this? The Joker's going to kill you some day, can't you see that!"

Harley swallowed another bite "I know."

Beastboy did a double take. The idea of someone staying in a relationship which was certain to end in their death was too crazy for him. "But- but why stay then? Why do you love him?"

Harley stood up. "Look kid, all my life people told me "Do this! Be that! Be good, obey, be one a the herd!". Then Mista J came along an' let me be ME. I been with Mista J for seven years now. An' in those seven years, I've done more living- felt more alive!- than in the twenty-odd years before that. Mista J freed me to be who I really am- I was neva meant to be a regular wage-slave, but I was killin' my soul tryin'. So if my Puddin' decides he's gotta off me tomorrow, I'll still have had more of a life than any clock-punchin' nobody, even the ones who live to a hundred!"

With that, Harley left Beastboy alone.

A/N

I'd like to give- I think the term is Mad Props?- to Whoreoftortuga. Apart from being a first class Harley writer, she runs an excellent website (see her profile for the link) dedicated to the Tasseled Goddess. She also has a list of nicknames for the Joker which I've plagiarized throughout this story. Many thanks, madam. Now update that page (a few more Joker scans would be nice- especially from the goofy 60's era. Just for laughs.)

We're coming towards the end of this story friends and neighbours. Expect a dramatic moment next chapter. But don't look for it soon. Tonight is Purim- a Jewish holiday in which the consumption of large quantities of alcohol is a religious duty. I'll start writing when I've recovered!


	32. Chapter 32

R

**R!**

Starfire lay on her bed, sobbing into her pillow, and feeling disgusted with herself. She was a warrior of the royal house of Tamaran- she was a descendent of holy X'hal herself! She should not be reduced to weeping in her room merely because a boy yelled at her. It disgraced dozens of generations of mighty and noble ancestors! Yet, the pain in her heart was so great she could bring herself to do nothing else. She felt as though the fang of a klemdorff had pierced her heart and the pain would not stop.

"Starfire? Can you hear me? I'm really sorry, can I come in?" That was Robin's voice. She forced herself to sound calm and cold in her reply.

"I do not wish to speak to you. I only attempted to assist you and you began the yelling. You were most hurtful and I wish you to leave."

Outside the door, Robin winced. He'd known she was angry, but he didn't think she was this angry. This was Starfire, for heaven's sake! She didn't understand the idea of a grudge or long-term anger; she'd forgiven Beast Boy the minute he apologized for covering her in oil. A small, treacherous voice pointed out that Starfire didn't have feelings for Beast Boy (thank heavens) and so his prank wasn't as emotionally damaging as what Robin had done.

"Please Starfire" he said "Just please hear me out. That's all I ask."

The door opened, and Starfire stood in the doorway. Her arms were crossed in front of her chest, and her body language was extremely closed. All of that made Robin feel bad- but not as bad as her eyes. They were puffy and still wet with tears- and looking in them, he could see just how badly he'd hurt her. "Oh God, Starfire, are-are…"

"Say what you wish to say."

Robin swallowed and for the first time in a long time he pushed aside the role of Robin, Boy Wonder and leader of the Teen Titans and just let himself be Tim Drake. "I'm so sorry, Star. It's just- it seems like everything we accomplished is falling apart, y'know? The city's in danger- the Joker kills people left and right and we can't seem to stop him. The team is falling apart; Raven and Cassie are close to open war, Cyborg's up all hours trying to find a clue as to where Beastboy is, and I'm worn out. Then you came in and- I just envy you Star, the way nothing ever gets you down; how you're always sure that things will be all right. But none of that excuses what I did. I'll go now."

He turned to leave but felt a pair of strong (but slender) arms around him. "I forgive you, friend Robin. I see that you are truly sorry for what you said. But you must do something for me."

Robin was willing to do anything to gain Starfire's forgiveness, and said as much.

Starfire stepped back, and fixed him with an imploring gaze. "Friend Cassie told me all about your past with Stephanie, and how you locked your feelings away behind the role of Robin. This is not healthy- nor is it effective. You must grieve- you must allow yourself to mourn her and move on with life. From what I have been told, Stephanie was a good and caring person; she would not want you to ruin yourself because of her. She would want you to mourn her, move on, and find another."

Robin shook his head "Star, we've been over this. I'm the Leader, I can't be… involved…with you. It could compromise our effectiveness in the field."

Starfire's expression hardened slightly. "That is the nonsense. If you truly believed that, you would not permit Beastboy to date either Raven or Cassie. Your arguments are just as valid for them as they are for you. More, for Beastboy lacks your self-control and focus. But I did not mean to discuss this now. I meant to talk about you, and your pain. I know that you are preoccupied now with the Joker- I ask only that you think on what I have said. If, during your period of grief, you need the upper arm to cry on, I will be here for you. If afterward you require companionship of a different sort, I will be here too. I will now return to the kitchen to prepare a suitable Feast of Hope"

With that, the alien girl moved past her stunned leader and walked down the hall towards the elevators.

Robin stood where he was for a moment, before slowly heading back to his room. He wasn't doing anything THAT bad was he? The world needed Robin, and needed him focused. He'd just done what Batman had done, put his feelings and pain away to focus on the Mission. But then, Batman was never really HAPPY was he? The closest he ever seemed to come was grim satisfaction at a job well done. More, Batman had given up almost all of his humanity to become what he was; his happiness, his innocence, his pain, his sense of humor, his ability to express love… Bruce Wayne had sacrificed all these and more at the altar of Batman. Robin wasn't sure he was prepared to make the same sacrifice.

But doing what Starfire asked…facing his feelings…that was going to hurt.

He reached his door to find Cyborg racing down the hallway towards him. The half-robot came to a screeching halt and leaned down to look the Boy Wonder square in the eye.

"We've got BIG trouble, Rob. I just reviewed the list of stolen goods that lab sent us; one of the items on the list was 16 kilos of weapons grade Plutonium. Rob, the Joker has enough of the stuff to build a pretty big nuclear weapon. "

Thoughts of Starfire and of Batman vanished from Robin's mind. This was the nightmare scenario- the worst thing that Batman could imagine. A homicidal maniac with no limits or regard for life would soon have a functional nuclear weapon. There were no protocols in place for this- there was only one order: Stop him at ALL COSTS. It had been drilled into Robin that if the entire Batclan had to sacrifice their lives to stop such a thing from occurring, it would be worth the price.  
Armed with such a weapon, the Joker could cause millions of deaths. Worse, if he used it in another country he could- under the correct circumstances- cause World War Three.

"Get everyone to the conference room in ten minutes. I have to make a call to Gotham."

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

"..and that's the situation, girls. The Joker is likely working to make his own atomic bomb somewhere in this city. Given his own intelligence, his resources, and the dearth of plans available through the internet, he could be ready to detonate it within a day or two. We can't let him do so. Batman is still busy with Gotham- apparently, Black Mask and a small army of thugs are holding the governor and the mayor hostage, along with more than a hundred citizens and several foreign dignitaries. Apparently, he ambushed some sort of embassy party. The JLA is off-planet, dealing with a crisis on the moon. We're alone, so we have to stop the Joker ourselves."

There were no smiles in the conference room- everyone understood how deadly serious the situation was.  
Raven looked at Starfire and Cassie, who both nodded. The dark empath cleared her throat and began speaking.

"Robin, we understand. We know how dangerous the situation is, and we want you to know that we believe in you. We believe that you'll find a way for us to win, and we're willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Just give us orders."

Robin nodded, but didn't speak. He really really wished he didn't have to say this; for that matter he wished none of this were happening. He wished that he would wake up now, and find that all this had been a nightmare. But he wouldn't, it was, and he did.  
"I'm glad you feel that way. Because stopping the Joker may mean…abandoning Beastboy."

Raven and Cassie froze in shock, and Starfire gasped. Robin continued "The Joker may try to distract us by threatening Beastboy, or giving us the opportunity to rescue him at another location. I hate to say it, but if that happens, we stay focused on stopping the Joker, no matter the cost. I know it hurts, but we all know it's the right thing to do. Dismissed."

A/N

We're in spitting distance of the end, folks.  
The end of this story will roughly coincide with the end of my military career- I'm currently on leave, and in a week I go back to officially finish my service with the Israel Defense Force (Artillery). Go me! After that, I'll begin work on a Batman story.


	33. Chapter 33

**R!**

It was seven AM and the Titans were no closer to their goal than they had been the night before.

No one had slept that night, everyone devoted their energies towards finding the Joker. Robin, Starfire and Cassie were out scouring the city for even a hint of the malevolent mime's whereabouts. They were not alone in their search; the police had been notified of the situation and every unit was on the street. The National Guard had been alerted and they had leant their support. While some units guarded the city's exit routes, others prepared to evacuate the citizenry. All was done in secrecy; the press having agreed to keep silent so as not to cause a panic. A panicked public would only impede the search, and probably endanger the City.

Meanwhile, Cyborg and Raven pursued other routes of inquiry. Raven sent out her Astral Self to search the city- even entering peoples homes and private property if need be. She was uncfortable doing this- quite apart from the legal and constitutional issues of such a search, her astral self was far more susceptible to the emotions of others. Nevertheless, for the good of the city, she agreed to try. She had entered a deep meditative state around ten PM, and had yet to stir. The trouble was, the Joker could be anywhere and Jump City was a very big place.

Cyborg had decided to focus on the cyber-realm. His cyber search program had yet to find the Joker but, he reasoned, perhaps it would be able to search faster with more processing power. He hooked every computer in the Tower together and then added his OWN formidable system to the search. This had sped the search exponentially, but had yet to find any trace of the Joker's trail. He sat in his room, his eyes vacant, all of his systems power devoted to the search.

By seven thirty, it was clear that the Titans were unlikely to find the Joker before he finished his nuclear weapon. Even so, Robin knew the team had one slim chance. The Joker was, first and foremost, a showman. While other villains might complete the bomb and detonate it at the first opportunity, the Joker would consider that lacking in style. No, he would want to be sure everyone knew what he was doing and that the Titans had been powerless to stop him from murdering an entire city. That, to the Joker, was the point. It wasn't about the destruction, it was about showing the world that he was unbeatable.

So, Robin reluctantly ordered his team to return to the Tower, and awoke Raven and Cyborg from their efforts. When the time came, he needed the Teen Titans to be at their very best- not half-drunk on exhaustion.

Meanwhile, the National Guard began to evacuate the City of all non-essential personnel. A story had been concocted about a possible leak at the power plant, and that the city was being evacuated 'temporarily, and for the safety of the general public'. Slowly but surely, the city began to empty, with the displaced citizens heading for the suburbs- this being outside the predicted blast radius.

* * *

Robin awoke to the sound of his communicator going off. He glanced at the clock- almost noon. Triggering his communicator he said "What is it?"

"Robin it's commissioner Whyte. We've got a message here for you."

Robin roused his team and within twenty minutes they were at police Headquarters, listening to the commissioner 's report. It seems that at ten o'clock that morning a middle-aged man had walked into Police Station 102, in the northern part of the city. He had asked, politely, to speak to the senior officer on duty, and declined, also politely, to say what about. Eventually, the station captain had seen him. The man had said nothing but handed the captain a small piece of paper. The paper read as follows:  
_  
Dearest Rube-In, Star-Fryer, Sigh-Bore, Bratgirl, and Ray-Bans,_

_By now you probably know what I took from the JetAge lab. Smart little diaper rats that you are, I bet you know what I'm planning to do with it, and that you want to stop me. Spoilsports! Can't you let an old clown have his fun? But if you really want to play again, meet me at the Clown World Amusement Park at ten pm. Don't try scouting the place out beforehand or bringing back-up; I'll know if you do and I'll be oh so disappointed. You really don't want that- trust me.  
And just to show you that I'm all heart, I'll even give back your little green friend. Kermit and me have been having loads of fun, but all good things must come to an end! I think he really misses you, too, thugh I can't imagine why. I've been the perfect host; considerate, charming, and of course funny. Oh well, some people just have no appreciation._

_Be there on time so I can perform my grand finale! Toodles for now!_

_Hugs and kisses,_

_Your Loving Unky Joker_

The captain had immediately sent the message via courier to the commissioner. Not wanting to disturb the young heroes without being sure, the commisioner had ordered a handwriting comparison done. When the computer confirmed that the note came from the Joker, Whyte had called Robin.

"And now" the older man said, his voice weary and worried "we decide what to do. Do we follow the madman's directions and let you walk straight into a trap? Or risk the city and try to bring him down before he's ready?"

Robin's face was grim "Commissioner, if there's one thing I know about the Joker its to never NEVER underestimate him. Odds are, he's prepared something in case we try to buck his rules. If we show up with police or if someone goes to that damned Part before 10 tonight, he'll almost certainly detonate the bomb."

Starfire spoke up "It is not all bad. Does this deadline not give us more time to evacuate the City?"

The commissioner nodded slowly "yes. I'll speak to the National Guard and the mayor. If we work together we can evacuate everyone to the suburbs by that time. It'll be close but we can do it. My question, and please don't take offense, is this: can you beat him?"

Robin was silent for a moment before speaking. "I don't know. In our first battle, the Joker won because most of us did not take him seriously- I'm not blaming anyone, but it's true. In our second fight, he won because he was able to disrupt our strategies, which were mostly centered on fighting as a team. This time we'll be marching straight into his lair. He'll doubtless have rigged the grounds with traps and other surprises; he'll have all of his goons- by all accounts, a small army of hired muscle- and all his weapons on hand, and he can detonate his bomb at any time. I can't imagine this situation being much worse than it is."

The commissioner simply nodded. "Right. Then my focus is the evacuation. I've already ordered the plans for the amusement park- they contain a detailed map of the grounds and schematics and layouts for all the attractions. They're waiting for you at the duty sergeant's desk- and they might give you some idea of what to expect. May god be with us all."

* * *

The rest of the day was the tensest that the Titans had faced in all their time together. Even Raven's disastrous birthday had been slightly better; at least then Beastboy had been around to make jokes. There were no jokes now, no smiles. Everyone was too worried. Upon arrival, Robin made a short speech to his friends.

"Guys, this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to say. Today is most likely the last day of our lives. The Joker is almost certainly going to kill us- if his thugs and traps don't manage it, the atomic blast will. But we can't let that distract us- tonight we're going to have to fight our hardest, and that means being focused. I want everyone here to take today and settle all your affairs. Those who have one, talk to your families. We'll meet for supper at five and discuss our plan."

Upon arrival at the Tower, Raven headed to her room. Once the door was open, she began to cry. This truly wasn't fair; not only was the first boy she ever loved (really loved!) kidnapped by the Joker before she could tell him, but now she was almost certainly going to die without seeing him again. Raven was under no illusions when it came to the afterlife. The monks of Azar had told her often enough that she was fundamentally tainted by her father's heritage. That no matter how much good she did in this life, she would receive no reward in the next. She had long ago come to accept that, or at least she thought she had. Now, though, now it troubled her. Life had been hard on her, and it seemed death would be no better. She curled into a ball and wept for the unfairness of the world.

Starfire, meanwhile, was in her room contacting Tamaran. Real-time communication was difficult between planets, and anyway she didn't think she could face Galfore right now. So she contented herself with writing letters. She wrote to Galfore, thanking him for being the only parent she'd ever known and ordering him to take over as ruler of the planet. She told him not to blame humans for what had happened, and asked him to care for Tamaran as he had cared for her.

She wrote to Blackfire, telling her sister that no matter what Blackfire had done in the past, she still loved her and forgave her. She begged her sister to turn away from the evil path her life had taken and return to the ways of her people.That done, she began to pray to X'hal, the traditional prayers of warriors facing death. She prayed for strength and courage in battle, for the safety of her friends, and for victory.

Upon reaching the privacy of his room, Cyborg rushed to the phone and contacted his father. The two men spoke for a long time; they laughed, they cried, they raged, they mourned and eventually, after four hours of from-the-heart conversation, they reconciled. Cyborg accepted that his father had only been trying to save his life in grafting the cybernetics to his body. Professor Stone realized that his son felt the prosthetics made him into a monster.

Robin and Cassie called Oracle and arranged for a conference call with the whole BatClan. There was Batman, Alfred, Nightwing, Dr. Leslie Tompkins, Oracle and Azrael. It was an unusual moment- all those involved knew that their young friends were making the right choice. Every one of them had, at one point or another, been in a similar position- the vigilantes wihile in the field, Alfred and Leslie during the war, and they knew that neither youngster could be (or should be) dissuaded . That didn't make things any easier.

Oracle and Leslie were in open tears, while Nightwing and Azrael were clearly having a hard time not joining them. Alfred's eyes were wet, but staid British reserve kept them in place. Batman showed no emotion, except that he inadvertantly crushed the coffee cup he was holding. All wished their young friends the best of luck, and eventually, all but Batman hung up.

"Tim, Cassie. I want to tell you something" the Dark Knight seemed ill at ease, and suddenly it wasn't Batman talking anymore. His voice was more human, warmer. With a start, Robin realized that this was Bruce Wayne, the REAL Bruce Wayne, speaking for the first time in decades. "I- I'm immensely proud of both of you. I know many supposedly mature heroes who don't behave with a quarter of the maturity and responsibility that you both have shown today. I'm proud to have had a part in your lives. You are no less my children than Dick is, and I want you both to know that…that I love you." Bruce cleared his throat, and when he spoke again, it was Batman talking once more. "Stop the Joker at all costs. Batman out."

More than anything else, that brought home how bad things were.

At a quarter to five, Starfire prepared to leave her room. She blew out the burning Tamariil incense, brushed her hair, and opened the door…only to find Robin standing outside. Before she could speak, Robin's lips were pressed against hers. For a moment she was too stunned to respond, then she began to kiss him back. Her arms encircled his waist, while his began stroking her hair. After a long moment (which somehow seemed too short) they broke apart, breathing heavily.

"You were right Star" Robin said, when he had his breath back "You've always been right. I have been hiding my problems behind my mask- and it's been hurting me. I love you, Star. I still can't be with you yet- I have to deal with my grief, first. But, I promise you, someday we will be together."

Starfire smiled "I am joyous that you have seen the light, Robin. Perhaps this is an omen of goodness, yes?"

Robin smiled. "Maybe"

A/N  
I think Batman was a little too mushy, but honestly it somehow felt right. After all, if one situation would bring out 'Bruce Wayne' its probably this one. I'd like to apologize to Whoreoftortuge- my reply to her last review may have seemed more snappish than I intended. Sorry.

Love it? Hate it? Review.


	34. Chapter 34

Starfire had never had a chance to finish the grad feast she had planned, so the Titans dinner consisted of five personal pizzas ordered from their favorite pizza place

Starfire had never had a chance to finish the grad feast she had planned, so the Titans dinner consisted of three pizzas ordered from their favorite pizza place. This caused an unexpected problem.

The pizzeria in question was used to the Titan's order- in all the years they'd delivered to the Tower the order was always the same. Three large pizzas; one half Hawaiian- half mustard, one half meat lovers-half vegetarian, one regular. When the order came without the vegetarian, the workers assumed their heroes had simply forgotten. In the interests of keeping their best customers, and out of respect for the city's heroes, they 'corrected' the order.

So it was that the Titans sat staring gloomily at a half-pizza covered in vegetables and tofu pepperoni.

"man" commented Cyborg "I really miss the little salad eater. This sucks. Here we are, what could well be the last night of our lives, and not only do I not have my little brother around, but I gotta stare at his nasty pizza"

The other Titans nodded. Cassie hesitantly reached over and took a slice of pizza "To Beastboy" she said and took a bite. The other Titans followed suit, honoring their absent comrade with his favorite food. Raven and Cassie had tears in their eyes, and the other Titan's didn't look much happier.

"Y'know what this situation reminds me of?" Robin said "That movie 300. We're going into battle, and there's no real way we can win"  
"Funny" Raven droned "I was thinking of the Charge of The Light Brigade."

"My" Cyborg remarked, dryly "Aren't we all cheery tonight?"

Cassie snorted and said "Sure death not happy thought."

Cyborg smirked "Now, I'm not so certain it IS certain. Robin, I've been thinking. Remember when Raven's powers turned the Tower into a horror movie? And afterwards, you came to me with that sample?"

"The Scarecrow's Fear Toxin" Robin affirmed, unsure where his friend was going with this "Right. I wanted to be prepared- before we found out what was really causing all that weirdness, I thought we might have been exposed without knowing it"

"Right. Well, I still have a chemical analysis in the computer- I think I could whip up a small amount of it; or at least a modified, non-lethal version of it. Could be useful, especially if the Joker has as many goons as we think he does."

Robin grimaced "I don't like that idea Cy. The Scarecrow's toxin is evil, evil stuff- at least as nasty as Joker Venom, maybe worse. I'm not comfortable with using it against anyone, no matter what they've done. It's really close to psychological torture."

"Robin, I agree and in any other situation I wouldn't suggest it. But you said it yourself, we have to stop the Joker no matter the cost. What's more important- saving the city or keeping our hands clean?"

Robin still didn't look happy but nodded "All right, do it. But make sure it's non-lethal. Anyone else have something to add?" Everyone shook his or her heads.  
Robin was silent for a moment, then began to speak, slowly and with deep feeling evident in every word. "I want you guys to know something. No matter what happens, whether we win or lose, I'm proud to have been a part of this team. Of this family. I love all of you. And no matter what the odds are, I believe we can win tonight-it'll be the toughest thing we've ever done, but we can do it. We've pulled off the impossible before, and we can do it again. We have four-and-a-half hours to prepare for this. Cassie, you and I will go over our utility belts together. Cyborg, get working on that chemical- I may not like it, but you're right, we've got no choice. Starfire and Raven, I want you to monitor the emergency channels- the Joker might try to interfere with the evacuation."

The dinner broke up, with each Titan going off to their appointed tasks.

At nine thirty the Titans gathered in the Tower's garage, and made ready to leave. As he entered the car, Cyborg commented "I feel like I'm on my way to the OK Corral, y'know?" Robin chuckled and nodded.

* * *

At exactly Ten O'clock the Titans entered Clown World Amusement Park. The place was, naturally enough, deserted since it was the off season. The rides were inactivated and silent, though the park lights were on. A big sign had been set up just in front of the exit.

_I'm Waiting in storage bay #4. Apply your legendary detective skills to that._

Robin did a slow burn at the Joker's insult, but led the team to the storage bay. It was a large gray warehouse building where the park's owners stored equipment and tools when the park wasn't open. Normally, such a building would be full of machinery, costumes, tools and spare parts. Now it was suspiciously empty- the room was bare. As the Titans entered, the door slammed shut behind them and the overhead lights snapped on.

The lights revealed a small army of men and women- almost a hundred- dressed in various gang colors, wielding a variety of crude weapons. On the catwalk above, in all his grinning glory, stood the Joker. By his side stood Harley Quinn, gazing adoringly at her man. On either side of the clowns stood two large men- the Joker's personal bodyguards. At the other end of the room was a large door, no doubt the entrance to another storage area.

"Ladies and gentlemen, bad-boys and riot-grrrls, may I present to you the so-called heroes of Jump City… the Teeny Ty-Tots! Robin, the Boy Target! Starfire, the clueless princess! Cyborg, half brat half junkheap! Raven, a whose skin is only slightly grayer than her personality! And of course, straight from Gotham City where she was deemed too young to play, Batgirl! Let's give them a round of applause!" And the Joker began to clap enthusiastically, while Harley whistled. Below, the gang members merely chuckled.

Eventually, the Joker seemed to tire of this gag. "No applause? All right them, if you won't give them a hand how a bout a solid beating? Get 'em!" The goons roared and charged forward.

Cyborg had had a hard time preparing the gas. It was simple enough to reproduce- it had to be, since its creator could rarely depend on large quantities of rare chemicals or a long period of time. The trouble came in weakening the effects enough to guarantee it wouldn't kill its targets. That had taken some doing, but finally he had produced a large gas grenade packed with enough Fear Gas to incapacitate a large crowd. He had provided each member of the Titans with an antidote, and at his signal, the Titans injected themselves.

Cyborg transformed his arm into a cannon- he felt that launching the grenade via his arm was the optimal method of delivery. Sure enough, the gas bomb landed in the middle of the crowd and detonated. The thugs began coughing, then began screaming.

"RATS! RATS! Rats everywhere! Crawling all over me!"

"No daddy, please! I'll be good! I'll BE GOOD!!"

"OH GOD I'M ON FIRE! HELP! HELP ME! IN THE NAME OF GOD, I'M BURNING!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

The noise was horrific , as the members of the Joker's army was suddenly plunged into their own personal hell. Robin felt sick; he generally had little sympathy for those who chose to work for monsters like the Joker. On the other hand, he'd experienced the nightmares cause by the Scarecrow's gas too often to be entirely hard hearted. He raced to the warehouse door and threw it open.

"RUN!" He yelled "Its your only chance!"

The thugs took his advice and fled, each pursued by the worst thing he psyche could conjure. The Joker looked on with an expression of distaste.

"I knew you'd beat my little friends, but honestly I was expecting more of a floor show. Let me guess, that was Crane's Fear Gas? Hoo boy, is he going to get his straw in a bunch when he hears about this. "

"It's over, Joker. We've beaten your gang, and the city's been evacuated. All the citizens have been moved to the suburbs, outside the blast radius. Give it up." Robin sounded confident, but inwardly he was anything but. Yes, they had beaten the Joker's thugs, but what other surprises did the maniacal mountebank have in store for them?

The Joker's grin only broadened "Really? All of them are in the suburbs, eh? Well, good thing I ordered my boys to lace the 'burbs with surprises! HAHAHAHAHHAAHAAAAA!"

Robin's mouth dropped open in horror "What?! Why?!"

The Joker leaned over the railing and adopted a conversational tone "You see, Robin, this city is a bit of a problem for me- frankly, it sickens me. The unnatural air of hypocritical goodness, the lack of honest natural chaos… I can't stand it! I just couldn't bear to stay here, but I couldn't just leave- why I'd never be able to look tall dark and gloomy in the eyes if he thought I'd been chased off by so-called heroes who are practically still in diapers! Plus, this city is SUCH a blight on the world… I've decided to do the world a favor and get rid of it"

"Get … rid of it?" Cassie echoed, numb with horror.

"It SPEAKS!" the Joker exclaimed, feigning astonishment "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Twofers owes me a thousand bucks; he bet you were mute! Anyway my little Bat, yes get rid of it. Wipe it from the face of the earth, along with all its inhabitants. But how to do it? An A-Bomb alone can't destroy an entire city- Hiroshima and Nagasaki still exist despite the bombs. Ah, but then inspiration struck! I would ring the city with large, conventional bombs- explosive ones AND some featuring my lethal laughing gas! That would be enough to kill off this nest of roaches you call a city. Then it's home again to dear sweet nasty Gotham! Ooooh, can you just imagine the Bat's face when he finds out I killed not just his little birdy, but a whole city besides! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

Cyborg shook his head "Y-you…you can't do this. You just can't"

"Hmmph! Why not?" the Joker snapped, looking annoyed "I've just gotten through an explanation of exactly how I plan to do it. There really isn't much you can do to stop me, not with all the problems you're about to have. Now, I was saving this for later but I suppose you've earned it now. The control, please Harley."

"Right-a-Rooney Mista J" chirped Harley, reaching into her pocket for a moment before handing something to the Joker.

The menacing mime held up a small gray remote control. It had only two buttons- on top a lime green one, and beneath a candy red one. Clearly whatever it was designed to operate was very simple.  
"I promised you that I would return your friend, Beast-Boob." Joker tapped first the green button, and a loud scream was heard. "And here he is" Now the Joker tapped the red button. The doors on the far side of the room flew open. The other side of the doors was pitch dark, but two large eyes could be seen.

Overwhelmed by the chance to see her would-be boyfriend once more, Batgirl raced into the next room. The others heard the sounds of a scuffle, and Batgirl came soaring out the doors again. She tucked and rolled upon landing, coming up into a combat stance. Before anyone could ask what happened, the answer became all too plain.

With a roar of savage fury the Beast charged its former friends. Green furred, huge and very angry, it was clear that Beastboy was currently beyond reasoning. Robin, naturally was the first to react, leaping backwards and calling for the other Titans to do the same. Cyborg however was too stunned by the appearance of his buddy's bestial side to react. A hairy green fist smashed into Cyborg, knocking the metal man over. Up on the catwalk the Joker dabbed at his eyes with a purple handkerchief.

"I always cry at reunions! HAHAHHAAHAHAHAAA!"


	35. Chapter 35

**R!**

The Titans scattered as the Beast leapt at them. Raven, knowing she was currently more of a danger than a help, stumbled to the wall and tried to stay out of the way. All she could do was watch as her friends battled the boy she loved.  
The others were constantly in motion, dodging the Beast's savage attacks but unwilling to seriously assault their friend. Even Robin, who had had little trouble attacking Beastboy during his last transformation, was unable to hurt his friend- he knew that Beastboy was not doing this by choice; that he had been driven to it by the Joker. Even as it attacked, the monster howled in pain and appeared to be in agony.

They were paying for their kindness, though, as they were unable to dodge all of the monster's attacks. Already, Cyborg's arm cannon had been damaged by a claw-swipe, and Batgirl had received a blow that cracked several ribs. All the while, the Joker stood above them on the catwalk, laughing hysterically at the wonderful show.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, my! I knew Beastie-Boo would be fun, but I never dreamed he'd be this amusing! That's it, boy! Sic 'em! HAHAHAHHAA!!"

The Beast raked its claws across Cyborg's metal chest- throwing up sparks but doing only cosmetic damage. The metal man responded with a haymaker punch, which barely seemed to faze the enraged Beast. Robin and Cassie leapt in, their flying kicks striking the broad green back at the same time. The monster staggered, but spun round in time to knock Batgirl from the air. The girl from Gotham was slammed into the concrete floor of the warehouse, only just managing to roll away from a claw-strike that would have disemboweled her. Despite the pain in her body, the pain in her heart was far greater.

"Garfield, calm down! Love you! Not want to fight you" she yelled out, and barely managed to avoid another mighty blow. 'It no use' she thought 'He too far gone, not recognize me'. She felt like crying, but years of strict discipline forced her to battle on.

Starfire, meanwhile, had taken to the air to avoid her friend's assault- she knew she should act against the Joker, but her heart would not let her abandon her loved ones. As she hovered above the scene, she noticed something attached to the Beast's back. Risking herself, she flew a little lower to get a better look. It appeared to be a small metal device, imbedded withing the Beast's very flesh- and it was not the only one. Another such device was visible on the chest, and a third could be found on the…rear. Starfire had a feeling these devices were the cause of her friends pain.

"Boyfriend Robin! I believe I have found the root of Beastboy's distress! There are three small metal devices attacehd to him- they look very much like the spark of the plugs which are in Cyborg garage!"

Robin cursed as understanding dawned. "They're sparkers, Star! Small machines that periodically release painful electric shocks! I've seen them used by dog fighters- they make the animals crazy with pain and then turn them loose on one another! Those must be the reason Beastboy is so vicious right now! If only Raven could use her powers we might…OOF!" Robin's moment of distraction had allowed the green monster to grab him and throw him against the wall. The Boy Projectile slammed into a large wooden crate…right next to Raven. The Beast, which had tracked its enemies trajectory, settled its gaze on the dark girl. It charged her, seeing easy prey.

From somewhere deep within the Beast's feral mind came…something. It wasn't so much a thought- for the Beast did not think. Nor was it a memory- for the monster lived almost entirely in the present. It was more a sense, a feeling, that the being before it was most emphatically NOT prey. That harming her (for it was close enough now to see that the not-prey was indeed female) was completely unacceptable.  
The Beast attempted to resist this; ALL weaker beings (save the Tormentor) were prey, that was the way of things. It raised a massive claw, intending to strike down the female who had caused it to think such odd thoughts.

Raven stared fixedly at the green monster which seemed about to kill her. She saw the fury in its eyes, saw it raise a huge green talon, and saw the light glint off its long black claws. All the while, her addled mind could only jibber in fear.

The arm stayed in the air. Its muscles quivered, as though they were straining against some invisible force.

Raven saw her life flashing before her eyes and all she could think was 'What a waste'.

Slowly, slowly, the Beast lowered its arm to its side and stared at this mysterious She. Although the pain was intense, and its fury was building, some part of it was comforted by her presence. It moved closer and rubbed its nose against her cheek.

Up on the catwalk, the Joker looked disgusted. "oh, how cliché. Beauty soothes the savage Beastboy, eh? We'll see about that! Let's see if beauty hath charms to soothe the savage BURN WOUNDS! HAHAHHAHAAA!" The demented clown jabbed the green button on his remote control, sending a greater jolt of electricity to the sparkers. Small bursts of electricity were visible, coursing along the massive limbs of the Beast.The green goliath howled in agony, but didn't budge. Within Raven, however, something snapped.

'NO! I won't let him suffer this way! I won't let those monsters up there kill our city!'

Raven closed her eyes, and focused all her willpower into forcing her powers to function. Her red chakra stone glowed dully with the sheer psychic force being brought to bear. Somehow, she managed to focus long enough to use her power.

"Azarath…"

'I have to do this! For the city! For my friends!'

"…Metrion…"

'For Beastboy!'

"…ZINTHOS!"

Black energy encased the massive frame of the Beast, and concentrated around the sparkers. With a tug of telekinesis, Raven tore the devices from the monster's body, and detonated them in the air. Almost immediately, the Beast sagged to the ground and began to revert to Beastboy's normal elf-like form. The changeling was covered in scars, burn marks, and bruises. His body was almost completely covered in dried blood and his own filth- the stench was incredible. Despite this, Raven put her arms around him and drew the green boy into a hug. She felt his small body shake with sobbing, and she dully began to realize what sort of horrors her beloved had been subjected to.

The Joker was furious. "THAT'S IT?! All my hard work, my sweat, my tears, your blood- and THAT'S IT? You barely even scratched them you worthless circus freak!" At the sound of the mad clowns voice, the changeling's gaze snapped upwards. Upon seeing the Joker, he bolted from the room, running on all four to the far door.  
"That's right, run! Not that it'll do you much good… Come on, Harley, we're leaving- lets get to the helicopter. Oh, and just incase our young friends have any thoughts about following us…" The Joker reached into his pocket and pulled out another, larger remote. He pushed a button, and the loading doors opened, revealing a large device.

Robin stared and spoke without looking away "Cyborg, is that…?"

The metal man nodded "Yeah. It's the A-Bomb."

"Kee-rect, my little amigos" the Joker crowed "And its set to go off in twenty minutes. But of course,a skilled hero like Batty could disarm in in about seven minutes- and I'm sure even you reform school rejects could manage it in twenty. So I decided to make your lives more interesting. In the office, up here, are the controls for all the bombs and traps I had placed in the suburbs. You have enough time to stop me, OR stop the A-Bomb, OR stop the suburbs from being obliterated. So, basically, stop me OR save the city OR save the innocent people you so thoughtfully herded into my trap! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Come on Harl, the HA-HA-licopter awaits."

The Joker raced out of the room, cackling. Robin wasted no time- with the decisiveness that was his hallmark he began snapping orders. "Starfire, stop the Joker! Cyborg, defuse the nuclear bomb! Cassie, come with me to the office! Raven go after Beastboy. Titan's GO!"

Although they were unsure that they could do it, although they were hurting physically and emotionally from their battle, and although they knew death was still probable, the young heroes leapt into action.

A/n

Just got my copy of the Killing Joke. So awesome it hurts. Why can't more comics be this cool? On one page the Joker's so magnificently evil it frightens me a little- but on the very next you have to feel sorry for the man he used to be. And how cool is that ending? Batman laughing is just wrong (espescially at a clunker like that joke).


	36. Chapter 36

Raven slowly crossed the thresh hold that separated the warehouse from the dark chamber that Beastboy had been kept in prior to his battle with the Titans

Raven slowly crossed the thresh hold that separated the warehouse from the dark chamber that Beastboy had been kept in prior to his battle with the Titans. She warily wandered through the near-darkness, allowing her night-vision to adjust to the gloom. She could feel her mind regaining it's stability- a sure sign that the Joker was no longer nearby. As her mind cleared, she took in the details of her surroundings.

The chamber was actually another warehouse, attached to storage bay #4. Unlike the warehouse to which the Joker had lured them, this one was filled with crates and machinery. In fact, she noticed that there seemed to be more stuff here than there should be; while most of the items were organized into rows and aisles, the rest had simply been shoved wherever there was room for it. Clearly, the Joker had had storage bay #4 partially emptied in preparation for his battle with the Titans. His goons had just shoved stuff in here.

There was a wide path free of clutter, leading from the door to a massive cage in the center of the room. The cage's door had been knocked clean off its hinges, presumably destroyed by the Beast when the Joker had activated the sparkers. Inside the cage, she found Beastboy huddled in the corner in the fetal position.

The green boy was shaking violently, and tears streamed down his grimy face.

Raven approached the cage slowly, being as quiet as possible. She knew that the shape shifter was extremely vulnerable right now, and that he needed comfort. Unfortunately, when sober Raven had a hard time being comforting- it required too much emotion. Nevertheless, she felt that Beastboy's needs took precedence right now. If he needed comfort, she would give it.

She slowly opened the cage door, wincing slightly at the noise the deformed metal made upon moving. Beastboy looked up at charged her, grabbing her in a fierce hug. Raven's face flushed scarlet as the boy buried his head in her chest. He pressed his face into her breasts as though he wanted to bury inside. She could tell it wasn't sexual; she could feel his tears soaking through her leotard., could see his body shaking with his sobs. She placed a hand on his head, and used the other to return the hug.

"Don't worry Gar" she whispered "Everything will be all right. I love you and I won't let anything happen to you. You're safe now"

* * *

Cyborg carefully examined the bomb. He had plenty of time to defuse it- hell, in twenty minutes he could practically BUILD a nuclear bomb! The trouble was it was unlikely to be that simple. Cyborg would admit to not being an expert on the Joker- but from what he knew, tripwires and failsafes were almost certainly par for the course. If he made just one mistake, or missed just one trick, the bomb would wipe Jump City off the map.

Slowly, he eased the covering off the bomb's wiring case. He found it to be a jumble of wires, dozens upon dozens of wires- far more than was necessary for even a nuclear bomb. The metal man grimaced as realization struck. The wires were the trap- the Joker had hooked up a bunch of false wires to deter attempts to defuse it. These false wires were probably all linked to the trigger mechanism, and would detonate the bomb if he made even the slightest mistake. He mentally opened a link to the Titan's computer- and instructed it to compare the image of the bombs interior with that of a 'normal' atom bomb.

He nodded to himself as the results came in, confirming his theory. The metal man set to work- slowly but surely isolating those wires that were relevant and ignoring all the others. It took time and effort, because he didn't know what might trigger the traps. Therefore, he took extreme care not to even jiggle the wiring, moving his hands slowly and carefully all the while.

Cyborg quickly entered what he called the zone- a state of extreme concentration in which all of his focus was on the task at hand. It was as though the entire world faded away, and there was only him and the wiring. Usually he only got that way when working on the T-car, or practicing his medical skills. He supposed it was a gift of his father- one he appreciated more than he did the cybernetics which composed most of his body.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity (but was really only about six minutes- eat that Batman!), he snipped the last blue wire. It was done. He sighed with relief, double-checked that the bomb was no threat, and ran upstairs to help Robin and Cassie.

* * *

Immediately after the Joker's speech, Robin and Batgirl had raced to the office. They were met with a large computer bearing a map of Jump City on the monitor. Highlighted were the many small communities which ringed the city, and which the Joker had turned into death-traps. Scattered throughout the area were numerous red and purple dots- a hundred all together. Above the map was a count-down timer, which currently read 19:49- nineteen minutes, forty nine seconds. Attempts to use the keyboard proved useless, as the system required a password.  
"Knowing the Joker, the purple dots are gas bombs which means the red ones are explosives. Let's see if we can deactivate them from here- find a USB port and get out your code cracker" Robin said "We'll both hook ours in and get the password faster"

Cassie nodded and reached into her utility-belt. She pulled out the code cracker, one of the Oracle's contributions to Bat-Technology. It was essentially a portable, computerized hacking program. Designed to hook into any system, it methodically tried thousands of combinations per second, until reaching the correct one. Furthermore, two or more units would work together, multiplying their efficiency. Within moments, both vigilantes had hooked up their code crackers and awaited the results.

Robin fidgeted, uneasy. He knew that he'd had no choice but to send Starfire after the Joker- the madman had to be caught. Robin couldn't let the Joker get away, not after all the suffering he'd inflicted on the Titans and on their city. He knew, also, that Starfire was their best shot- she could fly faster than any of them could run, and she was currently the most powerful member of the Titans. Still, some part of him worried that the Joker might do something to the girl who meant more to him than anything.

Batgirl was in a state of misery. Beastboy had chosen Raven, if only subconsciously- when the Beast had seen her, it had been unable to attack, and indeed had nuzzled her affectionately. When Batgirl had approached, the Beast had attacked without hesitation or mercy. It was, to her thinking, a fairly clear sign.

She yearned to vent her feelings the way she always had, by pummeling someone deserving.

A beeping noise ended the two vigilantes moment of reflection, and signaled that the completed- apparently the password had been Haddock. The clock above now read 16:30. Robin began to type rapidly on the keyboard, searching for a way to disable the bombs. After a few minutes he looked up .

"I think we can disable the explosives, but the gas bombs are on a separate program- we'll have to do one first and then the other. I'm not sure we have that kind of time- each bomb has to be switched off individually and that takes about fifteen seconds apiece. We can't stop them all."

"Maybe you can't Robbie" Cyborg said from the doorway "But WE can. I can hook my systems into the computer and defuse the gas bombs while Cassie defuses the explosives. You go help Star, I have the feeling she needs it. "

* * *

Starfire hovered over the path that lead from the warehouse to the helipad, where a garishly painted two person helicopter waited. She had managed to block the Joker and Harley Quinn from reaching their escape vehicle. However, she was unable to capture the two due to their weaponry and position- they were currently concealed behind fuel barrels. She could not use her starbolts for fear of setting off the fuel, nor could she engage them physically- every time she approached, the pair opened fire.

The Joker, meanwhile, was having a grand time. The orange girl made a great target, and she screamed wonderfully at a few of his near misses. Still, he supposed he should get moving- if the Titan's hadn't defused his bomb, it would go off soon. And if they had… well, it was still best to leave now. He signaled to Harley to pass him a smoke bomb, which he tossed upwards at the flying pest.

"Here you go, my dear" he said "you look like you could do with a laugh! HAHAHAHAHA!"

As the "gas" grenade exploded, Starfire gasped. She recalled all too well her experience with the Joker's laughing gas. She remembered the pain, the fear, the sensation of having no control over her own body. Since she had no desire to experience these things again, she held her breath as the purple vapor enveloped her. She soared above the cloud, just in time to see the Joker and his companion race into the helicopter. She was about to give chase when she heard a familiar (and welcome) voice from the path.

"Starfire, wait for me!"

"Boyfriend Robin! Were you not to be in the office undoing the Joker's evil traps?"

"Cyborg and Batgirl are taking care of it. Let's go! It's time to finish this once and for all!" Robin said as Starfire swept him up in her arms. As they flew, the Boy Wonder reflected that being carried Bridal Style might not be the most dignified way to pursue a criminal, but it had its advantages.

A/N  
One or two more chapters, then you all have to wait for my epilogue (which will be a major undertaking) in and of itself. Meanwhile, here are some more rules for writing the Joker. I hope they're helpful!

7- The Joker has no friends. Friendship is a meeting of equals, and the Joker acknowledges no one as his equal (nor should he!). The closest he comes are in his relationships with Harley Quinn and Batman. Both of those are tinged with violence and domination- but they're the closest he'll ever come to healthy relationships. This means that no, the Joker will NOT fall in love/be best buddies with your OC.

8- The Joker is the ultimate Nihilist. everything is funny because nothing is meaningful. The universe has no center, life has no meaning, and the only correct response is laughter and madness. Once you understand this, he makes a bit more sense. He's not just goofing around- he's showing his contempt for a hollow and empty world. As well as having some laughs.

9- The Joker is a true sociopath which means he has no fear. Its actually part of the definition my old abnormal psych textbook gave. As such, he should never seem to be afraid or intimidated (unless of course it's part of an act). He was even immune to Scarecrow's fear gas! By the same token, most emotions are foreign to him; he only knows glee, rage and recently love (of a sort). Some say this makes him a shallower character; myself I think it hammers home his inhumanity and makes him even scarier.

10- Try to mix it up a little when it comes to actual humor. Sure, everyone loves a good psychotic 'joke' (so long as its in accordance with rule 1), but even that can get a little repetitious. Add a few scenes of so-called harmless merriment; regular joybuzzers, ordinary whoopie cushions, and so forth. By adding non-lethal pranks, you break the audience's expectations and keep the Joker surprising- and show off his contempt for societal conventions, and indeed, society.


	37. Chapter 37

**R!**

The Joker was feeling good, and Harley couldn't figure out why. Normally she wouldn't think to question such a situation, but if he was going to snap she'd rather he do it now. He was busy piloting the helicopter and couldn't really do much to her, and in the time it'd take them to reach the rendez-vous point in Oregon he was likely to forget he was angry.

"Uhm, P-Puddin'?" she asked, nervousness clear in her voice "Why are ya so happy? I mean, if that was Robin we saw on the runway, then the Titan's musta beaten your bomb."

"That would indeed be true, my dim doll" The Joker agreed, still smiling "IF I hadn't rigged the bomb with a remote detonator. It doesn't matter if the Try-Ands stopped the bomb's main detonator, because I can still set it off. Think of it, harley. The Titan's are down there, so proud of having stopped my nuclear firecracker, so happy to be reunited with their friend- and then they'll here my lovely voice telling them 'Remote detonation activated- ain't it a hoot?'." The Joker paused to giggle.

" Fifteen seconds later KA-BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Hooo, just think of the looks on their little faces! The anguish! The despair! The wounded pride and shattered hope! Why just the t-th-thought of it m-ma- makes m-m-me…HA HA HAHAAHAHAHaHHAAAA AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Harley giggled. She couldn't help it; the image of the little kiddy's shock was just too funny. "All their hard work for nothing, huh Mista J?"

"Oh no, Harley! All their hard work buys me one hell of a laugh! And that's what really matters- that's what the whole things about. Now, Daddy's feeling tense. How 'bout a neck rub?" The Joker stretched out his neck and moved his shoulders, inviting Harley to come massage him.

With a squeak of happiness, Harley jumped from her seat, eager to show her Puddin' what a special touch she had. She loved it when he asked for a massage- it showed that she could take away some of her angels pain, and that he appreciated her talents. She leapt from her chair to do as he asked, but glanced out the window as she rose.

The Joker had designed the Ha-Ha-licopter some time ago, for use in Gotham. Given Batman's habit of chasing after him, the Joker had modified the original design with mirrors that allowed him to see directly behind him. Harley saw the reflection of an orange girl, carrying a very familiar boy, gaining on them.

"Puddin'! We got company! Robin and that redhead are right behind us!"

"Oh, for-! Can't they just let an old clown have his fun?!" The Joker jabbed a button on the Ha-Ha-licopter controls. This triggered the launch of two small missiles, which rocketed towards the young heroes. Starfire swooped and dived, and managed to dodge both missiles, but only barely.

Robin noticed this and started thinking. "Star, I need you to get me close to the helicopter, close enough to jump on. Then, I want you to stay nearby, but not interfere."

Starfire nodded, but uncertainly. "As you wish, Robin. Please be careful- I do not wish to see you harmed."

Robin gave a tight smile "Neither do I, Star, trust me."

Flying close to the demented clown's helicopter, she tossed Robin thorugh the air. The Boy Wonder snagged a landing strut and pulled himself up. He was now level with the helicopters rear door, and managed to get it open. He quickly entered…only to be hit with a powerful punch from Harley Quinn.

"Hey Birdboy! Doncha know it's a federal crime to play stowaway?" she taunted, throwing a roundhouse punch at her opponent's head. "if you ain't careful, you'll wind up in that jail they got in Cuba!"

* * *

In the warehouse office, Cyborg and Batgirl worked at the computer, deactivating the Joker's bombs.It wasn't a particularly difficult task, merely time-consuming- as each bomb had to be selected and deactivated using a lengthy procedure. Therefore, they were able to talk.

"So" Cyborg said, trying to broach what he was sure was a painful subject "How are you feeling? About, y'know, Beastboy and Raven? I mean, it seems…well, it seems he chose her"

Batgirl shrugged. The BatClan had a long tradition of stoicism and denial of feelings, and right now she understood why that was. "Trying not to think about it. Will deal with pain when have time. Trying to focus on job"

She prayed that that would be enough to deter any further enquiry. The trouble was, Cyborg wasn't Batman or Oracle or Nightwing- in fact, he was more than a little like Alfred. He knew when someone had to talk about their feelings whether they wanted to or not.

"This job doesn't need focus" he said "And you know it. So how's about you answer my question?"

"Fine" the young girl said "Hurts. Hurts a lot. I…I try be good girlfriend, try be caring and warm like I always wanted. But no, he pick Ice Girl Keep thinking what I do wrong? Why her, not me?"

Cyborg decided to ignore the slight to his friend, since Batgirl was so obviously in pain. He tried to remember how he'd felt after his first disastrous crush- and what his mother had told him. "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. I know for a fact that Beastboy really liked you- he said that you were funny and cool and great to be around. I guess that he just felt something special for Raven- some kind of emotional bond. Point is, you did nothing wrong."

"Hmmm." Batgirl said "Still hurts inside. But thank you anyway."

"No sweat" the mechanical man said "And if you need a friend, I'm always here. Seems that's part of my job description: Mechanic, medic, fighter, metal shoulder to cry on. Heh heh heh."  
Cassie gave a weak smile, glad to know she still had friends. She still felt more heartache than she thought was possible, but having friends to help her through it would make it bearable.

* * *

The fight was short and brutal, with no finesse or acrobatics. The Boy Wonder simply hit the clown girl with every trick he had, and finally succeeded in knocking her out. It had cost him though; his fighting style was primarily based on avoiding attacks rather than blocking them, and in the tight confines of the helicopter, dodging hadn't been an option. He'd lost a tooth, cracked two ribs, and sprained an ankle- but he continued on towards the cockpit area, determined to end this once and for all.

The Joker, however, was ready for him. Switching on the autopilot, he spun his chair around and leapt at the young hero, tackling him to the ground. "Hello, Robin! I'm SOOOO glad you could join us. I mean, part of the reason I came to this dreadful dive was to kill you- I didn't feel right leaving with the job undone. So why don't you just relax, lie back, and let me send you on to the big nest in the sky?"

"Sorry, Joker" Robin said, trying to keep the clown from closing his hands around his neck "I can't let you kill me today. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAA! Ooooh, actual banter from the Boy Hostage! I'm glad to see my sense of humor is finally rubbing off on you! I must admit, your green friend spoiled me a little- he kept making jokes even as I…well, use your imagination! I'm not sure I can go back to the terse replies I get from Tall Dark and Maladjusted back in Gotham! Oh well, maybe a second dead sidekick will make him more chatty! HAHAHAHAHA!"

The rest of the battle proceeded in silence, punctuated only by grunts of effort/ The two rolled around, trying to gain some advantage over one another. Normally, such a fight would have been over quickly due to the adults greater mass. However, the Joker was extremely thin- weighing barely over 190 pounds, just twenty pounds more than Robin. Moreover, the boy wonder was more muscular than the hateful harlequin, making the match more even.

Finally, however, Robin was able to gain the advantage by seizing the Joker's own cane and bludgeoning the clown with it. After ten solid blows, the Joker finally passed out. Robin sighed. The nightmare was finally over. He wearily headed to the controls, and began to pilot the chopper back to Jump City.

A/N

And that's just about it, boils and ghouls! There's an epilogue coming, and a quasi-sequel, which will describe the next year in the Titans lives. It will focus on Beastboy and the damage the Joker wreaked on his mind, but all the Titan's will have their moment to shine.

I know the final battle may not have been everything you hoped for, but I felt that it really wasn't appropriate for anyone other than the son of the Bat to take the Joker down.

I see a lot of people are reading this story, but only a handful post reviews (although they are all very faithful and VERY appreciated!). If you haven't said anything til now, please do so!

Before finishing this fic,I'm going to do something I promised myself I would never do. Weigh in on pairings wars.  
Robin/Starfire: Obviously. They're more or less perfect for one another.

Beastboy/Raven: I see this working very well indeed IF Beastboy matures and Raven starts showing some respect for him. The comics show exactly this happening- yeah, they broke up but my guess is there's more there than meets the eye, and that a reunion is in the cards.

Starfire/Beastboy: I actually see this working well. At the start they would see one another as a second choice, but over time I think it could develop into a solid relationship. Very happy people who have quite a bit of depth to them. He provides the energy and earthly experience, she provides the intelligence and conscience.

Cyborg/Raven: I really see their dynamic as more brother and sister than anything else. They'd both find the idea of dating more than a little creepy.

Robin/Raven: Two overly serious people; one gloomy, the other a workaholic. I can't picture them together without the words 'Murder-Suicide' involved. Plus, they never seem interested in being close friends, let alone lovers.

Cyborg/Terra: I think this could work. Both know how it feels to be an outsider, both like many of the same things. In fact, most of the BB/T arguments could be made for C/T- he and Beastboy are very similar after all.

Cyborg/Jinx: As I said before, not yet. Neither of them are really ready- and even then, it's uncertain.

Cyborg/ BumbleBee: Is there any evidence to this? Or is it a race thing? Because they have zero in common. Seems like the metal guy got the shaft when it came to romance.

One last thing: so many stories feature the children of Starfire and Robin. Exactly how would that work? I mean, it's been a long time since High School Biology, but it seems to me that Robin's got a better chance at knocking up a Starfish than an alien. COme on people, there's willing suspension of disbelief and then there's just plain silliness. If you're going to have it, explain how it happened.

That's it. Oh, god. I feel so dirty.


	38. Epilogue immediately afterward

The arrest of the Joker was naturally a source of great rejoicing among the citizens of Jump City

The arrest of the Joker was naturally a source of great rejoicing among the citizens of Jump City. No sooner had they returned to their homes but spontaneous block parties erupted throughout the city. People were relieved and happy to be alive, especially once news of the Joker's nuclear threat filtered out. The mayor declared the next day to be a civic holiday, as he put it, "In honor of this great victory for the forces of law and good". The newspaper headline summed up the city's mood best: "It's Over! It's Finally Over!"

A smaller story went unnoticed by most of the city: Titans rush Beastboy to Hospital.

The doctors had been examining Beastboy for hours, and the Titans were becoming very worried.  
"It has to be bad news" Raven said, as she paced the waiting room in an uncharacteristic display of nervousness "If there were no problems they would have finished inside of an hour or two. We've been here six hours now, and still no word"

Starfire, as always, was the voice of optimism. "Do not worry, friend Raven. I am certain that all will be well- Beastboy is most resilient, and seemed to be most healthy when we fought the Beast."  
The alien girl was currently seated beside her new boyfriend, who had just finished his own treatment. Periodically, she would caress or stroke him, reassuring herself that he was indeed all right. She had nothing but sympathy for her friend, who could not be so sure of her own boyfriend.

Robin cleared his throat. "I'm more concerned with what the Joker may have done to his mind. I don't know what that monster actually did, but my guess is it was nothing pleasant. Did you see the way he clung to Raven the whole way over here?"  
Raven blushed, slightly. In truth the green boy hadn't stopped holding her the entire time. He'd clung to her as though he was afraid to let go- indeed, he had been giving off wave after wave of pure fear and horror ever since his return.

Cyborg, who'd been sitting quietly until this point finally spoke. "Listen, guys. There's something we need to consider. What if…what if the Joker's permanently damaged Beastboy? I mean, what if the guy's been so traumatized he can't fight crime anymore? We need to decide what to do if he can't be a Titan anymore."  
Everyone in the room glared at him- but it wasn't because they were offended. Rather, it was because they hadn't wanted to think about that. Finally, Raven sighed.

"Cyborg's right. Much as I hate to think about it, we have to be ready for all possibilities. First, no matter what, he stays with us"

Cyborg nodded "We're his family- and he's ours. That means we stick with each other no matter what."

"Right" Robin said, wincing as Starfire's grip on his hand tightened "But we have to be ready to bar him from active duty. Maybe set him up as a coordinator- like what Oracle does in Gotham. I'll send Cassie a message to ask Oracle for some ideas on that"

Batgirl had returned to Gotham, citing the ongoing crisis caused by the huge number of active lawbreakers. No one doubted that this was true as far as it went, but it was plain that the young woman was hurting badly from Beastboy's choice, and needed to leave town.

Starfire raised a hand "Please friends, I have no desire to be the damp blanket but what if Beastboy is so ill he CANNOT return home? Does it not sometimes occur that someone can be so damaged they require a commitment?"

"You mean be committed?" Cyborg asked, uneasily. In truth, he hadn't even thought of that possibility. Could he really confine his best friend to a mental home- to the same fate that awaited his tormenter? "We might have to. I mean, if the green bean is a danger to himself…"

"NO." Raven's voice was flat and unemotional, but it didn't take an empath to see how badly this discussion had unnerved her "We can't just ship him off to Arkham or wherever. We can't abandon him like that."

Cyborg put a hand on the dark girl's shoulder. "Rae, I don't like the idea anymore than you do, but you know as well as I do that it might be necessary. If Beastboy has become a danger to himself or others, it's our responsibility- as heroes and as his family- to make sure he can't hurt anyone."

"Besides" Robin added "we wouldn't be talking about Arkham anyway. That's for the criminally insane; we'd be looking at something like that sanitarium they have just outside of town. What's it called?"

"Sunnyvale Rest Home" Commissioner Whyte answered from the doorway "Sorry to interrupt, but we finally found the Joker's hideout. It was a private home in Jump City's wealthier area. Well-maintained, quiet; no wonder no one ever suspected. While we were there we found this" The older man held out a small DVD "It seems the Joker decided to record his antics. I think you guys need to see this."

Behind him came a doctor "I think you might as well" he said, his voice weary "I'm afraid your friend won't be able to see you until tomorrow."

* * *

Back at Titans Tower, the young champions of Jump City sat on their sofa, and began the Joker's home movie. The Dvd began playing, showing the interior of what looked like a combination dining room and dungeon. The camera swung around to a close up on the Joker. As usual, he wore a huge smile. He also stood before a chained and naked Beastboy, and held a scalpel in one hand.

"Hello Hello hello whoever you are. I record this for the future. The way I see it, if I win this will help me while away the tedious nights in Gotham.- those nights when for whatever reason , I have to lie low. If I lose, then the Teen Titans are probably watching. Hi Robin!" The Joker waved maniacally. "I hope the next few hours are as entertaining for you as they will be for me. And if I'm watching this, then enjoy you handsome devil you! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" With that, he plunged the blade into Beastboy's hand.

The brutality continued as the film progressed, a seemingly endless assortment of painful tortures and procedures. There was, however, one constant feature. Audible the whole time- over the screams of pain and the whimpers of fear, over the whine of drill and the roar of power tools, over the hum of tazers and the crackling of flames- could be heard the Joker's hateful demonic laughter. Sometimes it was accompanied by the childish giggling of Harley Quinn, often it was clear only the Joker was laughing. But always, always that ghoulish screaming cackle was there, underlining just how much pleasure the Joker took from the proceedings.

By the end, the Titans realized just how badly their friend had suffered. Robin sat stock still, his mouth a thin line. Starfire was quietly weeping, her head leaning against Robin's shoulder. Cyborg was simply numb, rendered so by the sheer horror of what he'd seen. Raven rose to return to the waiting room, but said one thing, which summed up their feelings.

"Hell is empty, and all the devils are here"

* * *

Raven was the first to enter Beastboy's room the next morning- and by agreement she came in alone.

"hey Rae" the changeling said weakly "Where's everyone else?"

"Uhm, they decided to give me some time alone with you. Beastboy…did you really mean to choose me? Or was that just the Beast?"

Beastboy sat up straight in bed, wincing as he did so. Superhuman healing or not, he'd been through a LOT of pain. "Rae, I was planning on making my choice clear that day I got kidnapped. Rob told me to look in my heart, so I did- and saw you"

Raven felt like she was floating and melting at the same time. She didn't know what to do- so she listened to her heart. She leaned over and kissed the green boy on the lips. The kiss went on for a long time…until raucous applause interrupted them.

Raven turned to glare at Starfire and Cyborg, who stood in the doorway applauding madly.

"Woohoo! Go Green Bean!"

"May your romance be long, happy and produce many many offspring friends!"

Beastboy smiled, and sheepishly rubbed his neck. Raven blushed and muttered "Shut up. Just…just shut up."

As the other Titans helped Beastboy get ready for his return home, Robin pulled the doctor aside for a quiet talk. "Level with me doc. No one can go through what he did unaffected. Have you seen any signs of problems?"

The doctor, a middle-aged man with curly red hair, took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He began ticking things off his fingers, raising one for every problem they'd discovered "First off, he's terrified of being alone. If we left him for five minutes, the results were predictable. First, fidgeting and sweating. Second, elevated pulse and blood pressure. Third, calling for a nurse- just to have someone there, but of course he always had some excuse. Secondly, he's having nightmares- not unexpected, but these are real night terrors. His EEG is way outside of the normal range during REM sleep, and he wakes up sweaty and screaming. Another thing is his hygiene- he's constantly washing his hands, tidying up, and checking his clothes for stains. He showers two or three times per day. Finally, loud laughter seems to set him off as well- it causes panic attacks, although ordinary noise seems to have no effect. And remember, these are only the things we've noticed- he could be having any number of other problems we don't know about."

Robin silently digested this. Not as bad as he'd feared, but not as good as he'd hoped- he made a note to keep a close eye on his green friend in the future. Right now, though, he'd just enjoy his friend's return.

* * *

If the Joker's rampage was a horror show, then his trial was a farce. The Joker and Harley Quinn made jokes through the entire affair and disrupted the trial every way they could. Their antics ranged from stage-whispered comments about the judge and the spectators, to stealing the prosecutors toupee off his head, to slipping a whoopee cushion onto the witness chair. The Joker persistently referred to Judge Maxwell as 'Judgie-Wudgie', while Harley seemed to prefer Maximum Justice as a nickname.

They gave testimony one day that they contradicted the next. One day the Joker would admit to having murdered the audience of Quizzle Me This, the next he would deny ever having heard of the show. One day he refused to answer to any name other than Mister Saunders. Another day, Harley told the bailiff that no, she did NOT swear but assured him that she "knew all the words", which set the Joker into such peels of laughter that court had to be adjourned for the day.

Finally, the judge had enough and asked the Joker straight out why he was doing this. The reply? "The law is the biggest, most ridiculous joke there is, and I want everyone to enjoy it as much as I do! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"

Meanwhile, the Joker's high-powered legal team worked to have him and his girlfriend declared insane. This was not a real challenge- any psychologist who spent ten minutes in the company of either one was generally convinced that they were mentally ill. The trouble came in obtaining that elusive prize- a ruling of Not Guilty By Reason Of Insanity. This was difficult now, because no one wanted to see the Joker walk for the crimes he'd committed regardless of what the law said. The judges and lawyers were officers of the law, but they were only human and sometimes the law didn't seem to go far enough.

Finally, though, the judge had to recognize that the Joker was in no way competent to stand trial for his crimes. He and Harley Quinn were sentenced to resume treatment at Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. The Joker laughed all the way out of the courtroom.

* * *

"Friend Cyborg, I very much wish that we did not have to do this. I do not want to spend several hours in close contact with that…evil woman!"

Cyborg jus shook his head "Count your lucky stars, Star. I get to spend five hours with the Joker, do ya think I'm happy? Do you want to trade? Yeah, I didn't think so. Anyway, you know we have to do this. The city doesn't trust anyone but the Titans to make sure these loonies get back to their bin. Robin can't set foot on the asylum grounds without setting off a riot, Beastboy's been traumatized enough, and Raven would be useless around a place with so many crazies. Like it or not, and believe me I like it NOT, it has to be you and me. Or, rather- you and Harley, and me and the Joker, since those nuts aren't allowed to travel together."

The two heroes split apart with a last farewell and headed for their respective transports. Because of the extreme danger he posed, the Joker was being flown to Gotham- the only prisoner on the plane. Just him, two guards, and Cyborg. Harley, meanwhile, would be riding the express train with Starfire. The two would arrive in Gotham several hours apart. Cyborg would return home on the plane (first class, a gift from a grateful city) while Starfire would fly home on her own.

At first, Starfire had no wish to speak to her charge. But Ms. Quinn ("Call me Harley! Everyone does!") was so agressively friendly that she found it hard to remain aloof. Finally, Harley asked the alien girl why she was being so mean to her.

"Mean? No. What you did to my friend was mean.!" Starfire said coldly. "I see no reason to speak to you any more than is needed."

Harley gave the girl a puzzled but hurt look "It was just a joke. We were only playing"/ Suddenly, Starfire understood how the clown girl could be so pleasant- she truly did not see that what she had done was wrong.

In truth, Starfire had not understood why the Joker and Harley were being sent to a hospital rather than a prison. On Tamaran, justice was simple. The guilty were found, the guilty were punished. There was no talk of mental illness or mitigating circumstances. It had seemed to her that the Joker and Harley were being allowed to get away with what they had done. Now she understood why prison had not been an option- punishment served no purpose unless the criminal understood why he was being punished. If not, it was no more than revenge or pointless cruelty.

"You truly do not see" she murmured, her anger dissapating. "I am sorry, Miss Quinn. I was wrong to treat you as I did. Still, we are not friends- I cannot forgive you for what you did to my friend. But I will endeavor to be less mean."

Harley gave a broad smile and chirped "Okey-Dokey! Hey, if Ivy's red, can I call you Or? Y'know, short for Or-ange?"  
Over the course of the trip, Starfire learned two things that the Rogues of Gotham had known for a long time. First, that it was impossible to not like Harley Quinn. She was too friendly, and possessed of a curious innocence- despite all the things she had done. For some reason when Starfire told her friends about this, they had just started laughing- and Raven had commented that she was sure Robin understood better than any of them.

The second lesson was never ever play Candyland with her. She always won.

* * *

Cyborg's trip was, predictably, far less pleasant. The first hour passed easily enough, with the Joker doing nothing but looking at Cyborg. That should have been unnerving in the extreme, but it didn't bother the metal man very much. He'd been stared at everyday of his life since his accident, and the clown wasn't any worse than the strangers on the street.

Then the Joker started singing Ninety-Nine Bottles Of Beer On the Wall. At about bottle eighty-seven, Cyborg snapped.

"What are you ding? That's a children's song, you freak!"

"HAHAHAHAH! The tin can calls me a freak! Oh that's rich! HAHAHAHA! To answer your question, Rust-Nuts, I have to do SOMEthing to keep myself entertained, and with this lovely coat on " he indicated his straight-jacket "I can't do much else. Now, where was I? Lost my place. Oh well… Ninety-Nine Bottles of beer on the wall…"

Cyborg endured it in silence for a time. The Joker had a right to speak, and even to sing he supposed. But after an hour of the song, repeated over and over, he decided that the Joker didn't deserve any rights.  
"Stop singing, clown! Do you want me to gag you?!"

The Joker's eyes went wide, before his smile turned from deranged to lecherous. "Oooo kinky. I suddenly feel all vulnerable- I mean here I am, bound and defenseless at the mercy of your depraved mechanical lusts."

"What?! You- I- Trust me you are SO not my type!" Cyborg tried desperately to banish the sick images conjured forth by the Joker's words.

"Well, what is your type, Cybore?" the monstrous mountebank asked "Do you even have one? I mean, it's obvious to all that you've got no…hardware. Or even SOFTware! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"SHUT. UP" the metal teen growled.

"No, I don't think I will- this is even better than singing, though less fun than I had with your green buddy whatshisface. Now, Starfire told Harley- that is Miss Peggy Liacci- that you were single. She also said that you, and I quote, seemed to have the greatest of difficulties in attracting girls unquote. Wonder why that is?"

"Shut up" Cyborg said, but his heart clearly wasn't in it. Is that what his friends all thought?

"Now, obviously the problem isn't the metal. I mean, look at me. Bone white skin, ruby-red lips, green hair and I have a twenty something ex-gymnast squirming to get in my pants. So what could it- OH! I know! Let me make a few guesses about your love life here, Cyborg"

The young hero snorted "why should I tell you anything, Joker?"

"Because if you don't I'll make this trip ten times more unpleasant, and will do everything I can to escape. Now, you've had a couple of brief relationships, am I right? Physical ones, I mean?"

Cyborg nodded, remembering his brief fling with Bumblebee and his short affair with Jinx.

"They broke it off, I presume?"

Another nod.

"Let me make a guess, you spent more time in bed than on dates, correct? Well, then the answer is simple. You're basically a sex toy. Oh don't look so shocked, it must have occurred to you before. You were just a talking vibrator that didn't need batteries- a way of getting off that was slightly better than jilling off. So, you see? It's not all bad. You're a sort of sexual superhero, saving desperate girls from their right hands! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAA!"

Cyborg said nothing. The Joker made a lot of sense, and had described his past relationships to a T. Was that all he was to women? Just a fancy dildo?

Satisfied at a job well done, the Joker leaned back in his chair and began to hum 'Greensleeves'.

After far too long, the plane landed in Gotham. The ride to Arkham was free of incident, and at last the Joker looked out over the closest thing to a home that he could remember. The dreary Victorian building squatted on its small hill adding a pallor of gloom to an otherwise beautiful winter day.

"AH!" The Joker cried as they lead him off the ambulance "Home Sweet Hell! Cash! You came to greet me in person!"

The security chief of Arkham Asylum nodded "Damn right I did, clown. I'm making sure you get to your cell safe and sound. And that this time you stay there!"

The Joker laughed uproariously. "Oh, Cash. Sweet, naive, stupid Cash. I'll leave here when I want to- no sooner and no later. Nothing you, or this brat, or Batman himself can do to stop me. Now, take me home"

Cyborg returned to the airport, waiting for the flight back to Jump City. They'd done it. They'd beaten the Joker and sent him to Arkham- soon to be joined by his side-kick. They'd saved the city and saved their friend. So why didn't it feel like a victory?  
As he boarded the plane, the flight attendant handed him a note. On it was written:

_Victor,_

_I congratulate you and your team mates. You stopped the worst monster humanity has ever produced, and you did it by the book. You should all be very proud of yourselves._

_Batman_

Suddenly, he felt a bit better. Whistling, he took his seat, and prepared to return home to his family.

The End

A/N

Whoa. This was a longy, huh? Not just this chapter, either. Fact is, this is the longest story I've ever written. I'd like to thank all those who reviewed my work for their kind words and encouragement, which helped motivate me to finish this puppy. There will be a sequel –once I get it all planned out. In the meantime, I'm starting work on a new Batman story, which I have high hopes for. Please come and read it- it may not be Titans but I think it'll still turn out pretty well.

Oh, and the R that began most of my chapters was my guesstimate of the Republican Party's chances in the election. R! meant I thought they had a good chance. R? meant I thought they had none. Please keep politics out of reviews, though.

Flying Frog, you can start that story now. Everyone else, make sure to read it.

So, what did everybody think of the story? If you like it, why? If not, why not?


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